No more strength left

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Mockingbirdblue, Dec 6, 2009.

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  1. so here goes...In October I tried to kill myself. I won't go into details as I'm pretty sure it is not allowed and I wouldn't want to upset anyone. But it was a very serious attempt. I've never been so devastated to have failed something in my life. I was sent to a psych ward for a week, where I acted exactly like I was supposed to act and did everything they wanted me to do so I could get out as quickly as possible. but after I got home nothing had changed, all the old pressures, the old stresses, everything was still there. The only difference was my family was preventing me from drinking and trying to prevent me from fraternizing with boys (both things that lead to my attempt) but I have to say that unlike a lot of posts that I've read on here, I am not happy and thankful to be alive. I don't think I am alive. I think I made the decision to die that night and did. Whatever this life is I'm living now, isn't mine. It is my mother's life and my sister's life and my friends' life, but not mine. They are the ones forcing me to live, requesting that I stay, but I long for that peace I felt, that calm that made everything go away. I know everyone says that suicide is selfish, but it is just as selfish to force someone to stay alive when they don't want to live. My life isn't the worst life in the world, yes bad things have happened to me, but it should be my inalienable right to do what I want with my life. Maybe I could get past what's happened, but I have been a survivor all my life, and frankly I'm done surviving, I'm done being strong. At a time when all I want to do is collapse into a million pieces, the people around me keep trying to make me be strong for them, put on a brave face for them. I just don't know what else to do to make them see, I'm hollowed out, and I've got no more strength for anyone else.
  2. Disappear

    Disappear Well-Known Member

    That's exactly right!
    I can't pretend I know how you must feel. I would love to be in your situation -having people love and care about you, having friends, loving family, all that, I can only ever dream of.
  3. morgan

    morgan Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're feeling so empty and that you're in such a bad place. The way you described your life made it sound truly miserable, but I hope you find something worth living for. When you do, you'll start living for yourself and not for other people.
  4. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    All acts are selfish. Every single one of them. Killing yourself is selfish. Living is selfish. Killing someone else is selfish. Letting someone else live is selfish. Handing out free food to the needy on Thanksgiving, is selfish. Just digest and philosophize about that for a few weeks, write yourself an essay on it and see what you'll conclude. :console:
  5. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Not directed at anyone but my feelings on this: You're born, you're parents put THEIR life into you, feeds you, clothe you, give you water, works their ass off for you, sacrifices for you, roof over you're head, they are living for you, you take their money, you use their bed, you eat THEIR food. Then you kill yourself, pffmh. Spit it all back into their face. They are giving their life for you thats what being a parent is! You kill yourself, you kill them.
  6. To Disappear: I'm sorry you don't have anyone. I realize that I am lucky to have people that love me so much, but it doesn't make my life easier for some reason.

    To Prinn: I'm well aware of the nature of selfishness and I'm highly attuned to my own selfishness. I am innately more selfish than the average person thus this was probably an inevitable act.

    To TWF: My Mother though she loves me, threatened to give me up for adoption several times, she often and repeatedly told me and my sister that we "ruined her life" by her having us, and often times she fantasized about running away and no longer having to take care of us, Also as soon as I could work I helped to support the family and still do. So really, please don't tell me I am spitting in my mother's face, when you are unaware of the true nature of my family dynamic.
  7. sucidalgirl99

    sucidalgirl99 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that, but I'm aways here for you.
  8. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    The way I see it, that's the least they can do for me after causing me to be born. You want to bring a kid into this world? Fine, you get to pay for it. Just don't get mad if the world turns out to be too much for it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2009
  9. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Well I didn't really say that to you because I wasn't sure about the nature of your family from reading that post so don't make it out like I did. But you say she loves you, what about all your family, do they? Love is afterall shown best through actions, if your mom truely meant her words she would get rid of you, and if she did, would she cry would she regret it? If so, she most likely said it through anger, rage. And why do you want to die anyway? Let it out.
  10. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Lol, yeah but the kid should stop leaching off the parents if it OD's or at least leave compensation...
  11. To TWF I realized that once I wrote my reply that it sounded very antagonistic. For that I apologize. My family is very small and everyone harbors a lot of deep seeded resentment towards one another. It was not a nurturing environment to grow up in. The reason that I no longer want to live... well to make a long story short, I was in a very abusive relationship (my first) with a man who demoralized me to the point of totally breaking me down. It got to the point where I no longer knew who I was, but I was disgusted by myself and my actions. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror I hated the person he had turned me into. I thought that I loved him and that he loved me, but when he told me that he had never loved me and that he was actually in love with someone else, I realized that he had dragged me down to the darkest place possible and then just left me there.
  12. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I see.. I know this will just sound like the common advice but you need to get on a road of recovery from your previous relationship, tell anyone close to yourself that you've been feeling down about it, all the details and they should support you, just have a talk. Trust me, all you really need to recover is love and support. It should work a treat since they should talk it through with you relatively easily compared to other issues, it should give you a boost... Can you do that?
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