No More Strength To Go On... My First Post

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Shiori, Dec 1, 2010.

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  1. Shiori

    Shiori Member

    Hey everyone...

    I'm new here... well, I've been signed up for a few months now and this is my first post. I've wanted to post here for a while but I just don't know what to say. I guess it's time to just spew out things. Please be prepared... this is probably going to be very disorganized, very long and for lack of a better word: half-assed, since I'm very tired.

    I'm 22 and a half years old and haven't had a job or the motivation to look for one in three years. I basically mooch off of my parents and I've fallen into a hole that I can't climb out of. I suppose I should give you all some back story to my life.

    Most people would kill to have my life... and I admit I was quite spoiled as a child. I grew up an only child with overworking parents. I got every toy or basically anything I ever wanted and didn't have to lift a finger for anything. That didn't teach me responsibility at all. I didn't get what I needed most though: emotional support. I can honestly say that I may have been emotionally abused by my mother, though I don't think it was intentional. My mom stayed at home and worked endlessly to make the house "perfect" and to achieve what in her mind was the perfect family. She could never accept that I had problems and when I came to her for help, I'd get yelled at and if she caught me crying she'd scream, "STOP YOUR CRYING RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT." I was always afraid of her and she told me she was glad, that's how it should be between a mother and a daughter. Whenever I'd try to express my emotions to her I'd be yelled at for "talking back" and possibly slapped occasionally, but they never left any bruises on the surface. She screamed so loud my heart would be jumping in my chest and my whole body would be shaking... As you can probably tell, I think she has her share of emotional problems too and I know she tried, but I can never forgive her for that fact that I never felt the love I should have felt...

    My dad was never home. He worked long hours from four in the morning until anywhere from four to six at night. I'd have dinner with him, he'd watch an hour or two of television then go to bed. On weekends, he liked to fish or do things to fix up our "perfect" house. Sometimes I swear I think he went out just to avoid my mother's negativity. We never did things as a family. And I learned to avoid them, because they'd always end up in fights or arguments or some sort of unneeded hassle. Normally, I'd only get invited to go to stores with them anyway...

    I grew up with severe emetophobia (fear of being sick/vomit) and I can remember being in the nurses office every day in elementary school... I had bad social anxiety and I couldn't even eat in front of people without shaking violently. I was made fun of relentlessly to the point I have PTSD from school. I graduated in 2006, but my PTSD from it is so bad, I consider myself still in high school. I relive the horrors every day in my mind of what it was like to walk into school and see and hear everyone getting made fun of... even people in wheel chairs, just for not being able to walk. These things really scarred me, being the overly sensitive person that I am. Through elementary and middle school were no different... I learned how cruel the world was when I was so small. I was always the outcast and gave up on people so quickly. My heart was already crushed and stepped on so much. I never had any long term friends... I was too afraid to get close and I preferred my own, safe lonely world I created in my head. It was safer there for me. I was always always ALWAYS a dreamer.

    I never knew what I wanted to do with my life. I could never figure out any career plans, and I was never smart enough for anything. A's on report cards don't really show how smart you are... in fact I think I may be slow. Half the time I don't understand what people are talking about even when the use very simple language and terms. I'm sure you can tell my intelligence is really low just from the way I write about things. I was unable to socialize due to pretty bad anxiety and OCD and not having enough experience due to my lack of will and criticism. I tried to learn to do simple every day tasks that people do daily, but they were always too much for me to handle. Just a year ago I learned how to do laundry. I can't help but blame my mother for that as well - she'd try to teach me things and when I had to keep asking her how to do things because I didn't understand she'd yell and say, "I'm better off just going it myself! It's useless trying to teach you anything!"

    I used to have one talent in something... but I really messed up in that area. I put so much emphasis on what people thought of my productions that I can no longer imagine finding any joy in it. In fact, it makes me physically ill to think about it.

    About three years ago my family had to move because of severe harassment... people damaging our property and making up stories about us to the point we were in the newspapers for false accusations. I was woken up at 2am on a school night and dragged outside in my pajamas by the policemen because I was accused of egging people's houses... everyone pointed a finger at me. It was all a setup, because people hated me... hated my family. It got so bad that my family and I were going out of our minds...we had to move. So there it went forever: the place that contained all my bad memories and where all my friends lived. But the bad memories and weak relationships were all I had, all I ever knew. I thought at least I could try to make a new start. Possibly gain some good friends and make more of an effort, but I ended up isolating myself even more. Going out of the house possibly 3 times a month at most. I was too afraid to even drive in fear I'd mess up like always and get in an accident or something. I lack confidence to trust myself to do anything correctly.

    Three years I've been sitting in this room doing nothing except worrying and crying and wanting to die. My emetophobia got so bad I could only eat very little for two years... like peppermints and ginger to settle my stomach so I wouldn't throw up. I obsessively do tasks like washing my hands until they feel clean enough - this often results in them cracked and bleeding so bad I can't move them without the dry cracks making me want to scream. I used to have to hit my head against the wall a number of times until it felt "right." This often lasted hours. My hygiene got so poor for a while that I got severe acne all over my body so bad it would hurt to lean against anything, or to lay down. That was also due to obsessively exercising in the house - I couldn't do it outside in fear I might have to say hello to someone walking down the street, which would cause me to panic. The exercising gave me an escape from the pain... it allowed me to daydream very vividly, but I damaged my knees pretty bad from doing it about sometimes 4 hours straight, non stop running. Nowadays I can barely get myself to walk to the bathroom, let alone run to escape the emotional pain like I used to.

    I've had two eating disorders in my life : anorexia for a year, eating 500 or less calories a day, sometimes as little as 200... which then developed into binge eating disorder. I still get bouts of it when something really tasty is in the house and no one is around. I still hide food in my room sometimes though, for when the mood strikes. I suppose I was lucky that the EDs mostly went away on their own.

    I never got help for my emotional problems because my parents would scream that psychiatrists only wanted money and that medication would make me worse than I already was. They still make me feel guilty for considering it now and since I have "everything to live for" and that depression "is all in my head" and I can just "snap out of it" or that it's just "boredom". I have no health insurance and no money, since I've been out of work for such a long time so not like I can get those things anyway.

    I have no more strength to go on anymore. I stayed in bed from three in the morning until six at night today. Getting up is getting exceedingly difficult. I have no more will to go on. No friends, no energy, no interests... I have a boyfriend who lives 9 hours away who tries to support me, but he suffers from depression as well.

    I can feel myself dying. I've thought of suicide countless times, but never seriously tried anything. I know I don't need to... I was so sad a month ago, that I know that if I let go enough I can just die. I believe I had my first NDE that night I was so sad... felt myself drifting and the pain going away, but sadly it scared me and I felt myself "come back to". I wish I just kept drifting... Maybe some day soon, my body will finally just give up.

    Thanks for reading this post. Hopefully I get some replies, but I have some fear that I'm going to be yelled at by people and I don't know why.
  2. Roots

    Roots Well-Known Member

    Hi, Shiori, I read your story, and it made me sad, and I really want to just ... I don't know, give you a hug and try to help you, because you don't deserve the pain and suffering you're going through (none of us does). It seems that life hasn't been easy on you so far - at all. But I can tell that you're an intelligent and good person. I wish I had a wonderful and easy solution that would make everything better right NOW, but I don't think that solution exists (because I sure haven't found it).

    I think you should try to get someone supportive, that you trust, to help you. A relative or maybe your boyfriend, perhaps (if only your parents would face reality and help you, is what I'm thinking). You need someone that can help you, so you can get out of the house and see a psychiatrist. It's not hopeless, but you can't do this all by yourself.

    Your parents are wrong; you can't just snap out of depression. They obviously haven't tried it. It makes me kind of mad that they don't support you, to be honest - sorry about that.

    Hope you don't think that I yelled at you with this reply - I'm just saying what I'm feeling and thinking about your situation because I want to help you. My situation was similar to your situation only a few years ago, but thanks to my mum, I got to talk to a psychiatrist and now I'm slowly improving and getting better. I'm on medication, and I have actually been so lucky to find one that takes away the worst part of the depression (in general - I feel better). Maybe that could work for you too. I want the same for you, you see. I want you to feel better about yourself and life. I want you to see that life can be more beautiful than what you've seen so far. Don't give up! And keep posting? =)

    Big hugs and best wishes to you :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No not going to yell just send you lots of compassion and care and hugs okay
    Please know you can vent here anytime to get the pain out of you. I hope in time with therapy and medication with professional help you can heal all the sadness and pain. We do not judge here okay or yell we care about you. Please do something nice just for you okay something small even but be kind to you keep posting okay as many times as it takes it does help some.:cheekkiss
  4. KatyKate

    KatyKate Antiquities Friend

    :welcome: :wave:
    Hey... I have just read your post and I just wanted you to know that people are here for you on here... if you can just find the strength to reach out more. I know its hard and maybe scary but once you have made that step to actually chat to people on here you will find a great set of people, who do not judge, who are very welcoming, who understand some if not all of the pain you are feeling, and who do honestly care, and will support you as much as they can. I have made some great friends on here, and I don't know what I would have done without them during my darkest of days. I'm much stronger now and want to do all I can to help others who need support and comfort during hard times.
    Please PM me anytime, and if you want to go into the chatroom sometime, I would be happy to buddy up with you to introduce you to the others and help you break the ice, and overcome any shyness you may still be experiencing. You are not alone Hun :) :handinhand: :arms:
    Thinking of you. :console:
    Love & hugs Kate xxxxxxxxxxxx :wub: :cheekkiss:
  5. Shiori

    Shiori Member

    Hey again everyone,

    Sorry for the slow reply... I haven't had much energy. Thanks a lot for your responses. They actually did help me feel a little better. I didn't think any of you were yelling at me at all, I guess I just expected I would be for some reason.

    It's expected that I'll be able to have health insurance in January, because according to new laws I'll be able to be put back on my dad's insurance until I'm 25... so that should help me get on my feet. Help is so close yet so far away...

    I worry that it will take me years to feel good enough to function normally... and then I can only look back and realize I wasted my "prime years" doing nothing and sink back into depression. It feels like nothing can help me... I just have a feeling that with medications and therapy, even those won't help. I tried St. John's Wort and it got a lot of good responses from people with depression... but it had absolutely no effect on me. I had to slowly ease off because it was making my suicidal feelings worse.

    Thanks again for your replies... It's 2:00 pm here, I got up an hour and a half ago... I'm trying to hold on, but I still want to just go back into bed and never get up.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry you are feeling so awful...yes, it is neglectful for your parent to have known you were suffering and to not have done anything, other than to demean you...that is awful...but it is never too late (this is not cliche as I do believe it). I do believe you should see how to at least have an evaluation with a therapist...some of the problems you have can be negative to your physical health as well. Do you have a family physician who you can consult and see if s/he can serve as your advocate to move further? Is there a family friend or relative who might serve this purpose? We are here and we care...and no, no one will yell at you (and if they ever do, you PM me immediately and they will not be happy, I can assure you)...please hang in there and continue to let us know how you are doing...big hugs, and thanks for sharing, J
  7. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    hey there, i feel like i can relate a lot to your story, i think its the obssesive thing, i dotn have it bad but it kicks in when stressed and i think my parents have it too, by your description yours have it seriously too. Its tricky when its focused on positive stuff like work or washing hands or exercising.
    Id be interested to talk to you, I feel very close to wat you say.
    Also noticed a lot of kids with mental parents (that dont see themselves as so but others do) grow up very alone and socially outcast. I dont have it bad but i think my parents induced it most of my life. I have distimia/severe depression? too and had social anxiety and probably PTSD from bullying, am still pondering on some for of aspergers or depersonalisation since ive been told im alot like my dad and he seams pretty incompetent socially. Now am just avpd (avoidant personality disorder) the anxiety is gone and gave up on all social interactions since they all ment only severe hurt to me. Am at home also at 24, never had a job also keep realizing how deluded and defective my parents where and how they pushed me in this and still are.
    I cant pinpoint all but your post sounded like home, the talent thing pushed onto me till I got overstressed about it (for me it got even more worst and complicated lifewise), the lethargy in gathering skills, the emotionally abusive mom. She always had this complex to not be contradicted ( that made me think alot of times shes stupid) and go mad at any hint of contradiction...imagine any discussions going like that. Now i hate her since she had more wrongs that 2 people in a lifetime.
    Also would loose patience with me that fast, I didn't even take her seriously, since as bad as people where to me she was really special in this thing. It was like she had already lost it and choose a reason to show she lost it (sometimes). My biggest problems was also fearing people and not expecting anything good from them, but I also have serious looks issues that got me into most of problems I deal with now, I also never had a bf because of these. Also had serious masochistic ideation/fantasies as a child but grew out of it so can only wonder why i was like that at such a small age since it marked me.
  8. Shiori

    Shiori Member

    Aww... thanks for the nice replies. *Hugs everyone*

    Sadeyes: I do have a boyfriend, and I'm very lucky to have him. He really has stuck by me through thick and thin and has seen me at my absolute worst. He does his best to motivate me, but sometimes I can't help even pushing him away. Like for the past couple of days, I've asked him to help me go to bed earlier and wake up earlier to get on schedule, but this morning I ended up barely picking up the phone when he called and not getting up until noon again anyway. :( He tries so hard... He's coming to visit me next week so I won't be as lonely and we will hopefully be seeing a therapist to get an evaluation... Thank you for your response.

    sunshinesblack: It does sound like we are a lot alike... wow... Thank you for sharing your own story with me. I'd like to talk to you further. Maybe we'll be good friends and can help each other. :)

    I just don't even know who I am. I have always been ruled by very powerful emotions that I've had. I feel like I'm my emotions, not even my own person anymore... does anybody else feel like that? Sometimes I don't even feel human or that I'm not even living. I'm going to try to stay awake today and not lay down a lot. I've been keeping myself busy watching movies on the computer and doing small chores here and there.
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Shiori,
    If you can't see a Pdoc then try to at least see a therapist.. I think they do more for you than a pdoc does..They will teach you coping skills, and the difference of cognitive distortions.. They can tell you if you need to see a pdoc to get yourself put on meds or not.. I wish you all the best..
  10. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    hey, Shiori
    I also have serious problem with keeping daytime schedule, i wake up at 3 pm and go to bed at 3 am half the time. Hope im not creepy lol. I think this things are somewhat common with the non aggressive mental disorders, anxiety, depression, to emotive, lack of schedule from lack of stable positive relationships etc
    Anyway im taking mirtazepine and it helps me alot with sleep and depression, whenever i feel overwhelmed or cant sleep i take half a pill and it makes the difference, but my life is probably the reason rather than depressive genes.

    How are? did you get to a doc? How do you deal with your parents? I am so angry at mine.....have to avoid them since they pay the bills. Why cant you spend more time with your bf?
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