No more words

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by itmahanh, Dec 26, 2007.

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  1. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I keep going through the threads and posts but just can't "feel " the words any longer. I'm empty and can't help you any more. I can't even help myself. That was all I had left, the words and even they have betrayed me and left me all alone. The time I have chosen is closing in and I feel nothing. And for once that is a good thing! All that is left is thank you to those that tried to do for me what I couldn't do for myself.
  2. wonderer

    wonderer Well-Known Member

    Perhaps someone will still be able to say something that'll have meaning to you. Hope so.
  3. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    No words?!
    You could try repeating this prayer:

    Blessed Holy Spirit:
    I need to feel your comfort.
    I need to feel your srength.
    I need to feel your peace.
    I need to feel your joy.
    I need to know that I am surrounded by your divine
    light and love.
    I now ask for and open myself to receive a full
    outpouring of your presence.
    In and to your presence I surrender every thought,
    belief, judgement, perception and feeling that supports
    the experience of loneliness, confusion, desperation
    and pain.
    I embrase your presence, Holy Spirit, and I now claim
    I now claim peace!
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sure and let me add thanks God for letting me lose the last thing I had, the ability to help others. The only thing that made me feel connected or that I belonged somewhere other than the Hell i am barely surviving in now. Amen.
  5. srnityblu

    srnityblu Well-Known Member

    Hello, May I say something and share this with you?

    God may not seem like He is there, but He is. He loves you with an EVERLASTING LOVE, He is a God of love and a God of healing.

    Whatever you ask of Him and it is in your favor, He will do it. Sometimes healing takes great faith and belief. Most of us say, " no god you can't, I can do it better," but most often times we fail, and we discover people fail us.

    If there is anything that I can say to you is this... one day I was hurting, so deeply from the only person who I thought knew me. She betrayed me and I never knew. Her words were honey dipped daggers as she spoke words of love to my face, and then words of hate to others.
    It was during my time of deep sorrow did I call out to God and asked Him
    " God, Why do you love me? "

    I always carry a pen and paper with me in prayer. This is times when I am given great understanding of myself. I began to write down the thoughts that entered my head, somehow I knew they weren't my own.

    " I love you for who you are, and who you are to become..." and He told me of how I place too much worth in how others think of me and neglect at how He loves me. His love for me should matter, and too often times, I become a martyr of my own making. " He went on and on, but today I do believe He has a message for you. One similar to mine, but only He knows your pain and the love that you need. Only He can wrap His arms of His Holy Spirit and give you the comfort and security of His endless love. Only God can heal a broken heart. No one else can. The love of this world has grown cold, but His love endures forever! He loves you because He created you. He knew you before you were even a thought or entered your mother's womb! He had a plan for your life, and never did He want or steer you or others into this path that you are walking on. He never intended you to become so broken and full of dispair. He never intended you to become a victim born out of other people's brokeness. He wants to lift you up and raise you above all this hurt and pain. He wants you to choose life, and focus your eyes on Him, like a child looks upon thier parent when they are first let go and begin to walk. He is longing to hold you and comfort you. Your choices are your own, just like every one has a choice. If you end your life, it will devistate Him, but after your spirit dies, He can no longer do anything. He cannot interfere and He cannot bring healing to your life. To end your life is a final act of denial of Him. His heart longs to be intertwined with yours.

    If you choose His ways for your life, and turn your eyes and ears towards Him, He will heal you. His promises are yes and Amen! Your mind, and all of mankind cannot fathom or even attain the concept of God's UNCONDITIONAL love. It is beyond our understanding, but know this, His love is for you, You are allowed to come to Him as you are, and step BOLDLY before the throne of God and claim your victory! and claim your prize. You are loved beyond all understanding. THe suffering you are going through is not by his choice but by your choices, you have made, and the choices of others.

    Will you give prayer another try? Even if you do not hear God, sometimes our hearts are so overwhelmed with grief and sorrow, it is hard to hear God's still small voice, but He promises that He hears all prayers and answers them, mind you it's in His timing, and it's always for your benefit.

    He's standing at the door of your heart now and silently knocking. It's up to you, He cannot interfere because He wants you to love Him freely. He does not want to demand love out of any of us, because then it would have no meaning. God is watching over you, but He cannot wipe His hand and make your troubles disappear, but when you walk with Him, He will guide you and help you go through them. He is not responsible for others who do not seek or ask for him, but when you ask for Him, He takes responsibility for you and leads you through the darkness. Sometimes he dries your eyes, and other times He carries you. Never did He want this life and pain for you.
    He loves you and knows your life before you have lived it. Life is a present, it's a gift, but the choice is up to you.

    May I pray for you?

    Love, Shannon
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I have always had God in my life. But He too just doesn't seem to cut it for me any longer. I believe and I love Him but even he can't help me any longer. So please use your prayers on somebody that is still worthy of them. I'm not scared of what is about to happen. I welcome it and who knows, maybe I'll be asking the big guy in person what the Hell was going on?
  7. aqaq22

    aqaq22 Well-Known Member

    Hi Shannon...

    I'm confused. I was taught (Southern Baptist) that everything we do should be to further His glory. Always seek to "Praise God". "Glorify God" is not an uncommon mantra. I think you would even agree with this teaching.

    What does "futhering the kingdom of god", and "making him number one"...

    How is it then? How is it, that if that is our purpose, How is it that "it's always for your benefit'. As you put it?

    Which is it? For God's benefit (I was taught) For the Benefit of God...
    or..."For my benefit", as you put it.

    I'm swear, I'm not meaning to argue, I've just always wondered...which is it? His benefit? My benefit? Did I misunderstand when I "learned" to SACRIFICE my wants and needs for that of GOD"S wants and needs.

    Doesn't that benefit God more than me? (I guess I'm assuming I know that being suicidal is not best for me. Maybe god knows better?)

    Sincerely confused...
    dc :blink:

    ps...I don't mean to "steal the thread" me if you'd like...Thanks

    pss...HI ITMAHANH!!! I think of you every single day! :) Hang in. (Kids are stressful. They absolutely wear me out. I admire your ability to do it at all. I never could. Hang tough!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2007
  8. srnityblu

    srnityblu Well-Known Member


    You are not confused and are right when you say what we do ultimately benefits God for His Glory. But with that being said, God does have our best interests at heart, He says that one would not give a stone if they asked for a fish, then how much MORE will God give if you ask Him?

    It is because of His love, mercy and grace that we recieve His Glory and through recieving this we can magnify Him. We live our lives for Him so that others see by example God's grace and mercy and love.

    You are not wrong in your understanding, but we are also told that ALL good things happen to those who follow God. ( Paraphrasing) Things that bring us Joy, peace and love are ultimately from Him, so that we may give thanks and give Him the glory. Gosh I am soundy preachy sorry. But in giving God the recognition there is still a genuine gratitude, we still have a choice to recognize where our blessings come from, but with a believer in Christ, doesn't second guess, the gratitude becomes automatic, and we do not care IF or when we decide to show our thanks, we recognize that He is deserving because He is the giver of good things.

    Prayers are not answered to our liking most times, because God does know the begining from the end, and He has gone through every scenerio before it happens and already knows the best decision for the best outcome in our lives. He does not sit on His throne and mock us, or allow us to endure something knowing that we are doomed to fail. In fact when He steers us into danger, He always knows that we will succeed, perhaps alittle broken and bruised, but as scripture says, never destroyed. It is true that God doesn't allow you to endure anything that you can't handle. When we come through trials, it is for our benefit, it doesn't make sense but it is for our growth and maturity that hardships have to come. We have a choice, but God's answer to prayer isn't how we percieve it. We can ask, but it doesn't mean that what we ask for is given, because ultimately what we ask for could have dire consequence in our future that we cannot yet see.

    Just like the story of the desciples in the boat with Jesus, Jesus fell asleep and a storm came and the desciples woke Jesus, they were upset at him, for allowing a storm to come that they thought would destroy them. Jesus chastized them for not having faith, ( Faith that Jesus would not steer them into danger) and Jesus called out to the storm, and it was gone.

    What benefit honestly would God have in steering us wrong? and allowing us to endure heartache and grief alone? What benefit would it be to Him, that we struggle and never see the light of day so to speak? It would cast an unfavorable light on Him wouldn't it? It would say something against His character and against who He says He is.

    God cannot go against Himself. He cannot have His kingdom divided, so it is in His best interest to see you through the dark and horrible times, yes so that He might be glorified, but also because He loves us so deeply.
    I have had it said to me, that God must be so arrogant to have His creation worship Him. Really, What is so harmful for us if we do that? It is no different than thanking our birth parents for things they give to us, Isn't it a fair trade off that we gratify God and magnify His name and we live in Heaven eternally with Him. It's a small price to pay I think.

    Well thanks for letting me rant. SOrry I didn't want to preach and I hope this answers your question if only a bit.... Stepping off my soap box... hahaha

    Love, Shannon
  9. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Itman it's alway's difficult to help other's when you're struggling so badly yourself,next of all I think it's alot different because we're all communicating to each other via a computer screen and not in person.Ther's nothing like that face to face support and in the flesh,and I bet if you and all of us were able to see each other in person our word's will mean a million times more.Especially with depression being so powerful advice and support doesn't alway's seem so easy to take on board,I know you and everyone else understand's that.
  10. srnityblu

    srnityblu Well-Known Member

    Hello, I just need finish what I started.

    If you don't mind, I thought this space was a good spot since we have already started talking about God...

    I started thinking of how you must feel how you may feel like God has given up on you, and how the horrible stuff just keeps hitting you with no end in sight...

    This past summer I was comfronted with the same feeling. I have always known that God was there for me, wether he was standing on the side lines patiently waiting or actually steering me, it was something I knew but couldn't tell most times. Then something happened to me and my world was shattered, it lay in pieces around my feet, and I boldly came to God and asked him why. I did not need to know the information that was given to me, I was glad to live in my glass house uf denial... the more I dwelt on "Me" and My PAIN, I began to slip away from God and for the first time I actually felt the void that some of the people on here try to explain. I felt empty and lost. I felt like I was screaming in the dark and my voice was the only one that echoed back to me. This lasted for a week. A long tormenting week of echoes in my head that were unyielding. I would try to watch t.v but I couldn't focus on anything that gave me comfort. I would cry so hard and so much, the next sob session surprized me that I had any liquid left to loose.

    I was hollow, and I felt blackness all around me. I sat outside in the sunshine but I felt cold, weak, and helpless...
    I was so upset, my hair began to fall out. I had long hair growing down to the middle of my back, but I had to cut it to above my shoulders, I had a bald patch on the top of my head, first the size of a quarter, now to this day its' the size of my fist, but thankfully it's growing back. I have three bald spots all together. I am healthy, but stress and depression, and lack of eating can cause this. The noticable time when your hair falls out is three months after the crisis, can last up to six months to a year, and may never return, but sometimes it does. Doctors can't figure it out. Women baldness, frick just another thing to add to my misery...

    I called out to God one last time, and I said literally ' The more I reach for you, the emptier my hands become! I am failing you!" I began to sob.

    Then I heard, not an audible voice but one in my head that rested upon my heart. " You are not failing, you are growing"

    I cannot tell you the elation I felt! That began my road to recovery and discovering why I was given such devistating information.

    You see, God can only HELP when we ask, many of us say " God isnt' there," and we begin to doubt that there is any sort of help for us. Many times we ask God for help, and after a few days we begin to think " This isn't working, I can do better" And we begin to take back the problem into our lives by dwelling on it, and thinking of ways we can either run from it, advoid it, or allow it to feed on us like a parasite.

    These feelings you are feeling are not healthy and in fact parasitic to you. Patience is the key in all things, and your feelings are not worthy enough to take over and rule you like a dictator. YOu are beautiful and presious and deserve the best of this world, but the best of this world is not what you think it is. Desire the security and the acceptance of yourself, What do you like about yourself? Nothing? Why? Because others say you are something, this or that? No far from it!

    God is patient and when we ask Him to help, we need to allow ourselves to become patient. Ask God what He wants you to learn in the current conflicts of your life, he will reveal them to you. Often times when I have asked this I am faced with life changing revelations about myself. I hate taking a look at myself, but often times it isn't so much the people around you that need to change, so much as it is yourself.

    I don't need to change???? Yeah that is what I thought going through what I did, the person just spewed information at my feet and had other obligations and left me to deal with it. It was HIS problem, but I allowed it to become mine, but I wanted to face the problem together, but I was forced to deal with it alone.... I was shown how even thought the circumstance was beyond my control, and the person was responsible for what they did, but I was responsible in how I reacted and handled the ultimate rejection. I didn't do so well, it was based on my own outlook of myself. I have always faced rejection, and because of that, had an unhealthy look at myself. I know know that it doesn't matter how others percieve you. You have to be the best you can be and you are responsible for giving away your power, your power is your emotions, your attitude and your mindsets and perceptions of who you THINK you are. If you give all that away, then you become what others think and say you are... I am not a looser( Like my foster mom said, I am not an incubator for babies, like my birth mom said sure, I made mistakes, but one relationship didn't work out, and I am married to the daddy of my daughter... We did right by her) and I am not a statistic- abused and used... I have arrived in this life, the here and now, battered and bruised, perhaps a little worn down, broken but like scripture says, never destroyed.

    We all have problems, and I am thankful my hair is growing back, a sure sign of recovery.

    Thanks for letting me share.
  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am happy for you blu. That you were able to share and that you are finally where you want and need to be. I hope that things keep going your way. But that said, take your one week and that is what i have been through for the last 30 years. I am just tired and worn and beyond seeking or getting help any longer. And yes it has all been my doing ultimately by the choices I have made and the things I have let be done to me. So now this too is ultimately my choice. No one even God is responsible for what I need to do. I want peace and this is the only way to find it. I can no longer turn the other cheek or try to rise against my enemies. I just want peace!
  12. srnityblu

    srnityblu Well-Known Member

    I understand, do you have a professional therapist you can talk with? Y'know your local crisis center may be able to help if you haven't tried that already.

    Finding peace in this world is difficult, and trying to find it within, is somewhat harder. Your pain doesn't have to envelope you though, have you tried writing feelings down on paper? Perhaps a way to deal with the pain of others is write them a letter, screaming at them, leaving the hate in the letter and then burning it up, as a symbol that the pain is left there on that paper, and the flame is engulfing the torment and the open door for you to take back your dignity and leave the shame behind? d'know, just a thought,

    Suicide seems like the only answer, but for those left behind, it effects them immeasurably. I myself have had a family member die, and my life was worse than his, but no one knows why, and that's a question we will all continue to ask... I have chatted with many people who were suicidal on the crisis lines, my first caller after my training was such a person, there are many reasons that they don't train you for, and I have to say, this day and age, with society spewing freedom, from this, freedom from that, where are the boundaries? Where are the guidlines?

    Now there is a link between suicide and depression, uh yeah... I guess you need an expert to tell you what you already know. sorry, I am getting a bit cynical, I don't mean to, it's just that you matter to me. I don't know you, heck you are on the other side of the world for all I know, but you guys, all of you on this forum effect me. I have had a horrible life, gosh I've made horrible mistakes, but I am here... How could it have been so easy for me? ( And yet it was torture to endure, and I don't want to go back to that place again...)

    What I am saying is that what you are going through doesn't make sense to you I am sure, and well it doesn't make sense to me, but if you stick around perhaps in time, this will all be figured out and perhaps we'll all figure out the answers.

    I am wondering if there isn't a chemical imbalance in the brain, like people coping with schizophrenia? There has to be away to get this right... right?

    Thanks for letting me vent...
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I have tried it all. The counselling, the doctors, the medications, hospitalization, in and out of crisis centres, my church, support groups, trying to convience myself of how horrible it will be for my children, truly to make myself feel too gulity to do it. Trust me, this isn't a spur of the moment thing. My problems started when I was 13. They kept manifesting and growing until about 7 years ago I made my first real attempt. There have been many since. I don't want to be dead. Nobody really wants that. But I know it is the only way to find the peace I am seeking , to end my problems and to protect my children before I spread like a disease to them. My 44th birthday is coming up and this is my special gift to me. I will not spend another year to see 45, 46, 47,etc. end the exact same way.
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