no more xmas.

no one will ever understand the invisable pain that I feel, the thoughts, the feelings things that go thru my mind, now rush thru my body. Everytime I see, or hear my mother or someone that sounds or even looks like her, no1 will understand not even me, whilst she triggers me more then anything..

no1 understands whilst on the 1st December all work collegues will be parting and yet for the last 2 years I've not been able to bring myself to go..the night before the last time I went I was r****, I went to the xmas do with my friend who knew and she walked out as she couldn't watch me falling apart behing closed doors, but in front of everyone else I was the clown, the drunken clown flirting with the men.

At Xmas it will be the anniversaries to remember, 22nd last year my great uncle/grandad passed away, 23rd my friend took an overdose and died on the 24th, the year before my friend was murdered and the man was sentenaced to 3 years..drink driving at christmas. christmas eve 93 my friend was killed by a drunk driver, he got 3yrs 6 months and is now out.

The christmas present I got in 1989 from c****** was a se* toy, the "pretty" dress I got, he now has pictures of me with that dress on and playing with the se* toy. Christmas day was always for the children, but if you done what kids do and broke a toy....hell would break lose. Boxing day was the adult days, all drunk, falling around, playing cards, shouting, name calling, you fuc*ing litte wh*re, my brother would always destroy one of the toy I got and tell mum it was me so everything was taken away...one year it was a green orvile i managed to hold on to for a couple of months then my brother burnt it. I had a black and white called Sooty I got him for xmas 1987, in the summer he went missing I came home from school, with my brother looking smug..I cried, I searched every where for sooty...then my brother, told me he knew where he was. We walked along the canel towards the arsenal and in the bin there was my cat, and my brother said next time you show me up it will be you. He killed my cat. another xmas present taken away from me. Anything that was mine and I loved was taken away from me.

I don't want to live with the memories, I dont want the reminders, and I don't want anymore taken from me. I won't, I can't go through this xmas the same as the rest..so this year I will do one thing for me that will mean xmas 2006 was my last.

Sorry, its just remidners, memories, losing people I love, cared for, and having any happy memories ripped away from me. Yes I'm selfish, i've heard it before you don't need to tell me, yes guilt rips through me..and the selfishness says what about me, my pain, my memories..spending xmas day with the false "HAPPY" family. NO.

I can already hear people saying "oh here we go again"..yeap its tiering, I live with it but not after the 1st..I can't, I can't do it

 

rambo is back

I'm back, i'm mean and I will end her life. hahahahhaahaha you can't fight me. hahahaha i'm back. i will kill her. hahahahaha. don't be nice to her she's a bitch. a dirty bitch. I cut her she's bleeding. i won't let her get help.

 

she can cry, she can do what she wants I won't listen to her, she cry and cry and scream and shout but its what she deserves. she deserves no love, no care. she deserves nothing but hate. she ruined my life. I will kill her for that. how can I love her. I can't. she's horrible, nasty.blue eyes, curly hair, chop it off just like mum done to me cause of her. she will take the pills I tell her to she wants my attention she can have it give her pills and shut her up.