No More...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Thomas281, Jan 12, 2014.

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  1. Thomas281

    Thomas281 New Member

    I've been contemplating for a few years now...for numerous reasons. I'm literally completely alone in my life...people barely speak to me online...and really don't speak to me offline. McDonalds won't even hire I'm practically about to go homeless. I'm tired of doing this and each day that goes by I just get more tired. Been steadily holding on for 8 years of nothing. Not an accomplishment. Not a chance. No affection. Every couple of years, I try to end this pointless life...and every time I fail, only to wake up in a hospital bed. Been having bad dreams. It's gotten worse now...I can't even stand going places because everyone else seems so happy with friends and loved ones. I'm always alone. People have told me for the last 8 years to hold on...that eventually things will turn around...and maybe that's what normally happens, but not for me. I'm not saying my life is worse than anyone else's...I'm just saying I can't do this anymore.

    So if anything, I tried looking for a place that wouldn't immediately call me emo or tell me to kill myself. Because I probably will. But I at least wanted to post this where people would understand...maybe sympathize, maybe even remember me...even though you don't know me. (mod edit. method) I'm actually scared...but I supposed that just means I'm human. Maybe the pain will really stop once it's done...I like to think so. If you have girlfriend or boyfriend. Hold on to them.


    - Tom
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you may only cause more pain for you hun or brain damage or other ailments there is help go back to hospital and get that help ok
  3. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    Couldn't have said it better myself really. Truly, I'd help if I could, but I am basically in the same situation. Even with a job at mcdonalds, I couldn't make a living off of it and still be planning for the same release and outcome.

    I always find it funny how people say to those in financial distress to "go to a hospital and get help." That's the idea, just go to a hospital and they'll give you a job and everything will be fine. Or better yet, take a magical pill, have a session of therapy, and then you'll land a living wage job in no time and someone will buy you a home to live in. And then there's that one who goes around saying how everyone can easily obtain and live off of disability from the government, that one really takes the cake.

    Ultimately, there's no advice or words of wisdom for those who are contemplating suicide due to financial distress. We're in an entire realm of our own which needs a separate forum. The odd ones out in the real world as well as the odd ones out on this suicideforum. There's plenty of medication for depression, disorders, and behavioral issues, but it's going to be next to impossible for a medical break through to solve the problem of unemployment and homelessness. At least for the rest their burden of guilt is diminished by believing those that are in financial distress and are losing their homes are just not "applying themselves" or "trying hard enough." I'd love to be on that side of the fence and kick back and suggest it's the individuals fault for everything. If that's the case, then everyone else with suicidal thoughts just isn't taking enough pills or trying hard enough to get through it.

    I really hope things can immediately turn around for you in the future. I hope that there maybe some divine intervention which will enter your life as the universe can see you for the decent and good person you maybe to give you a square deal and a fare chance at this life. I even hope something of the sort will happen for myself as well along with everyone else who's seeking employment and willing to work.

    Nothing exists without its opposite and some people are going to go through those horrible and painful experiences which only serves the purpose of making others feel better about their lives. At best, you and I sharing our stories will probably make everyone else on the forums feel a bit of joy for that shelter, employment, food, family, friends, lovers, companionships, pets, and all the other material and spiritual aspects in their lives which are absent from ours.

    Ultimately perhaps we have helped a great deal with the stories. We may never know, but some probably realize what they truly have as it's completely absent from others lives which they may never admit. I'd like to think so at least. At least a small hidden purpose to my life by being that example of how bad it can truly really be making all those other petty problems seem so insignificant.

    Who's to really say what's wrong or right anymore anyway. Life seems to just be what is regardless of what could be or should be. A random cosmic accident with random cell division forming into random individuals with random thoughts and random problems. An infinite supply of possibilities just as much as the infinite variety of faces, voices, fingerprints, and personalities.

    I'll hang around for the month and a half left that I really have in my apartment trying to enjoy life or wait for some type of grand intervention which could change everything around, but I don't care to wait around in a joyless and stressful life anymore after that. Most of my time is spent reading through the old history of written posts of this forum which has brought me to many conclusions and realizations.

    I truly wish the best for you even though I can't do much of anything to help. You are not alone though, I am basically in the same situation without any hope, love, companionship. It all seems to finally conclude into an acceptance of what is as there's no more paths to take or directions to turn, just a dead end road.
  4. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Tabula, I really have to say I kinda take offense at your words. I understand that you are frustrated, but so am I. I try to help others even while I am falling myself. To throw people's advice in their face is being down right hurtful. If you don't want the advice, fine, don't take it... or better yet, don't ask for it. See, I can be bitter too.

    I don't believe I have ever said to take a magic pill and everything will be fine. Or to talk to a therapist and he/she will make your life instantly better. Or that a hospital will land you a job. Or that its "easy" to get on disability. It took me 6 months of no income and no job and no place to live before I got my disability and I'm one of the lucky ones. Took my husband 2 yrs. And the whole thing about it, if you do try to get an income at any point in the time you are applying , they automatically deny your application... so no, it definately is NOT easy... however, if CAN make things less stressful for you AFTER you get it... and you do get a backpay check for all the months you had to wait when you first start AS LONG AS you continue appeals without interuption each time you are denied. I am not quite sure why you consider yourself to be off in some unique subset of suicidal people. Suicidal feelings are the same no matter what your circumstance or beliefs of appearance or gender or age.... its easy to figure out "do you want to kill yourself? yes? you are suicidal!!" that doesn't change no matter what the reasons are for it, so you are no different in that way. your solutions may be different, but you know something? i've suffered with depression 27 yrs, been suicidal most of it, and guess what? i have an income? and STILL no freaking solution. i've been in the hospital 7 or 8 times just so i could make it through. it does not claim to nor does it just make things automatically better for you. nor does therapy. nor does medication. the only thing that can make it better for you ... is you. i dont believe life is 100% all about how you make it. i believe life is mostly about chance and then you decide how to deal with the things chance throws at you in order to continue to try to obtain your goals. now... all of that plays into how your mental health is but so does things like genetics and environment and the food you eat and etc. there is a lot that goes into it but since you are the only one in control of what you yourself do and think, nothing will work unless you are willing to work at it... my suggestion... stop looking for a magic answer, and start working toward one... whether its finding a job (that likely does not exist b/c too many are unemployed), getting on disability, getting on assistance, giong to the hospital, getting on medication, going to therapy, doing alternative therapies, changing your diet, learning how to deal with your issues in a healthy way, exercising, starting up crafts and hobbies, finding other interests, maybe starting up a new relationship or altering the way you behave in the one you have... whatever you need to do, do it.... and stop spewing hate in the direction of ppl that try to help.
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hi Tom,

    First of all, I know what its like to suffer long term depression and feel like there is no light at the end of that tunnel, I've been suffering with mine for 27yrs. I am on disability because I cannot handle the stress of work without ending up in the psych hospital every 3 months. I was homeless myself for 2 yrs on and off... I stayed at a Salvation Army, but I think I would have been better off on the streets to be honest. I have tried suicide 7 times myself, so I know what it is to fail at suicide and all the feelings of worthlessness and guilt that come after. My family only likes me when they can put on a show for someone else, but otherwise, I'm not worth their time. I have no real life friends. So I know what feeling totally alone feels like too. Point is though... don't give up. There is always chance at happiness, as long as you don't give up. Since you have been in hospitals I presume you have tried counseling and medications. Have you also tried alternative therapies such as aromatherapy, homeopathy, etc... or tried changing your diet, adding vitamins/minerals/supplements to it, exercising? Have you tried different kinds of psych therapy, or just one?
  6. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Thank you for that! I really like this post of your if only this forum has a LIKE button like typical social networking platform. And also, I think I need to reflect on myself too.. For simply discounting the emotional distress just becausr others are in the worse situation than me. I thank you for telling me off.

    I dont want to judge. But people here are judging us. If mental illness can be cured by simply a pill or 2 then no asylums will exist. I am trying to adopt a habit, if you haf nth nice to say dont say anything at all. But I cant help it. But anyway, you are in alot of pain urself but you are still doing ur utmost best to bring comfort to others yet adding value to urself. You deserve my utmost respect.
  7. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Tom, I cant find any constructive words to say to you but I was wondering if you are living on food stamps? Should you need anyone to talk to or not enuff to eat, drop me a text, would be glad to help you out on food, sry but that is the best I can do for u.
  8. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    I hope you're around still Thomas. Some know exactly what it's like and perhaps the best thing to do would be to write and talk it out for now until another idea or something else can be put forth into motion.

    Seriously, even I applied at McDonalds not too long ago. That one can hurt the most when wide opinion suggests that mcdonalds is the menial and fall back employment for people in general. And of course I never even received a call regardless of their constant advertising of open positions.

    Being unemployed, alone, and without that love and compassion in life is a painful reality not a whole lot of people can understand or even go through on a constant and consistent basis. I personally don't mind being alone, but I can feel and see the toll it takes after losing my job due to being a whistleblower.

    It seems sometimes karma may work in our favor throughout the lifetime as I have recently found out that everyone with any power in my last employment has been dismissed from their positions. Perhaps that karma maybe taking its time for you and something will come around once and for all.

    The universe we inhabit is very mysterious, and at times on a scientific level, very special which suggests amazing possibilities and combinations of perfect harmony. Kind of like earth's atmosphere being that absolute perfect composition of nitrogen and oxygen amongst other gasses which creates that perfect situation for life to inhabit. The moon being in the perfect position of harmony to guide the tides which plays a huge role in sustaining life on earth as well. Or even Jupiter, being the largest planet, which is also in that perfect harmonious position to absorb all those meteors and asteroids which constantly aim for planet earth. The sun being the absolute perfect distance in order for life to officially flourish completely.

    Sometimes I like to believe that with all those perfect situations which comes down to the structure of our solar system, it's hard not to believe as we are all composed of the same molecules and atoms, that even our lives maybe in that perfect harmonious situations which leads for true purpose and meaning in all the general being of life itself.

    Perhaps we are right where we are supposed to be. To endure what there is to endure right now in order for something greater and higher meaning of purpose which will present itself. No one will truly know for sure, but sometimes things, along with the mystery of life itself, there might be a destiny or fate after all which guides us to go through everything we must. Even the potential possibility of life after death as theories suggest that this may not be the only universe itself as there maybe a plethora of even more with different sets of physical laws in which it abides.

    In the giant scheme of how unimaginable large the universe is, it's hard to believe this is the only life, the only existence of energy experiencing itself, and maybe it's a test, or just something we must all make the best of in any which way we can. Philosophers suggest that good and evil do not exist, as we have the capabilities of both, and what is simply just is. Perhaps in order to prosper, we must do something outside of social acceptance in order to finally get ahead as we can make up for our lack of morals or even-out our karma when ability provides such a possibility.

    If there is life somewhere else in the universe, or in other planes of existence, it won't be like this one. There probably wouldn't be morals, integrity, good and evil. In the animal kingdom it's a pretty wild existence of simply surviving by any means necessary and maybe those in such a horrible situation must tread outside that moral compass for a while in order to survive. By what means, I wouldn't know. Perhaps a lesson from the animal kingdom itself suggests surviving by any means necessary, especially when all is lost and doing the right and sociable moral thing has failed us completely.

    But as a person such as myself, I couldn't really tread outside that moral compass of integrity, ethic, and good in order to survive. Even my own pride constantly tells me to reject hand-outs which leaves me feeling guilty as if suffering completely would be me honorable rather than living off of others or simply taking what was needed just to survive by any means necessary.

    I hope you respond again Thomas, maybe we could just distract ourselves and get carried away in a thought process of philosophy and life itself for a while. If not, I hope you find what you are looking for and if I had the means, I would definitely help you in any way that I could.
  9. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I want to say thank you for this comment, it gladdened my heart a bit. I honestly don't believe there is a worse or better situation when you are in emotional pain though.... I believe that emotional pain is significant no matter what the outside circumstances may be... if it hurts, its significant.
  10. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hi, tom
    if noone will employ you, how about self employment, what are your talents?
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