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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sihuskyzoi, Apr 30, 2016.

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  1. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    It's not enough that I'm fat ugly and alone. The sleep apnea and diabetes aren't enough. I now get hidrenitis to accompany it all. I am everything I aways felt I was. I am this irresponsible piece of shit. I get it. I do. I earned this. Somehow. But I don't wanna play anymore. I just dont. I feel like I was never equipped with the skills to be here. I feel like I was always destined to be this piece of shit. I hate that my parents thought that they needed kids. I hate this world. I hate my life. I can't ever see the end of this. I can't keep feeling like this.
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    hey there friend
    i know how it feels to be you, i been there, for years and years.
    for the past 13 years all i did was crying, telling everyone how much it hurts, drowning in my own negative thoughts.
    I isolated myself, like a dog that is ready to die, so it disappears, finds some hidden corner, and waits to die.

    but let me tell you something, you can change the world around you, you can do it so that people will be attracted to you,
    the change have to come from inside of you.
    you say you are over weight, have you considered to exercise?
    start with 15 minute walks every 3 days, if you see its too easy, switch to 20 min, then 25, then 25 minutes ever 2 days,
    you WILL progress, and with progression you will gain more and more motivation.
    I know that diabetes is connected to weight, so maybe by doing sports, and watching your diet, you will be able to fix the diabetes?
    stay positive, believe in yourself, and others will start to believe in you.
    and remember, any life changing thing you do, requires time, so dont rush it, take as much time as you need

    also to get even MORE motivation, you can join groups on facebook, with others who fight to loos weight
    you can also open your very own blog, and post your progress there to inspire others

    good luck friend
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter


    That sounds very tough to live with! Scary as well do you have to use a sleeping mask?

    Only advice I can give you is from this point foward, placing blame on the parents who brought you into this world isn't going to help or get you anywhere. You are very important and letting go of that anger about being here and blaming lousy genetics getting those stuff you got wont hurt. Everyone got flaws. Thats what makes all of us human beings. Like others said start out getting more proactive about your health. Start positive changes and when people are self confident and happy with themselves it attracts more friends and the potential partner. Start out small like finding one positive thing a day about anything and build up from there. Shredding the pounds is one way to give you more confidence but its not a solution if your still unhappy about it. Sending Positive vibes your way. a lot of members here are part or journaling their weight loss journey. I am one of those people that needs to lose weight but I don't talk about it often or journal it when I should. Ill be quiet and let others chime in.

    Sending hugs your way! Just letting you know you're not alone in your battles. We are here to help
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sorry to hear that you're struggling with all of this!

    Are you getting proper treatment? Both for the physical and the mental side of things?
    The hidrantitits sounds awful in itself. I think it is treatable though? It might need antibiotics or steroids for a while. I hope you are looking into your options.

    Don't give up on yourself. I'm sorry things are tough, but please let yourself get the help you need, and do deserve!
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, i also have diabetes type 2 and am struggling with my weight but I believe I can reverse the damage done by my comforting eating habits gone out the window and with therapy i'm slowly getting better and you can too. Believe in yourself. I hope you don't decide to end your life, your life is precious. How is your relationship with your parents?
  6. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    I just feel so exhausted. I know myself well enough to know that means my clinical depression is back yet again. I know that suicidal ideation and planning is normal when I feel like this. It just all feels so hopeless.

    I made time to see friends today for a bit. I can act like life is great with the best of them. But all I am thinking in my head is that I just wanna die.

    I can do the exercise but apparently sweating triggers the hidrantitis. I can eat better too and did today. I can feel better in those moments. But my head just keeps going back. I have no insurance and cannot keep going back for more meds. My armpit hurts. Again. After two rounds of antibiotics. I just don't see any hope. I'm alone in this. Both parents are gone. My brother is an ultra responsible and amazing engineer who always seems exasperated and annoyed with me and with a wife who holds little respect for me. They have three kids... one of whom made fat jokes in regard to me last time I saw him.

    I have a job where people need me. Everyday. And I get that. But it's just this acting version of me. The inner version doesn't want to get out of bed anymore.

    I take one step forward and two back. Nothing is even "okay" for too long without being blindsided. I feel damaged. Cursed even. And I just don't have the energy to fight one more thing. I just really dont.

    I really hate feeling this depressed. I'm really tired of seeing things and being scared. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of feeling so hopeless.

    I feel like I was the runt of the litter who should have died.
  7. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    I really just can't keep feeling like this. I can't tackle another battle. Maybe that makes me weak. Maybe it makes me a quitter. But I just can't. I just know that I can't.
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    As long as you keep saying you cant it becomes too real. What about trying one tiny thing at a time?
    sihuskyzoi likes this.
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