No more.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by browncoatrebel, Sep 7, 2009.

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  1. I feel like I can't take any more of my life. I've been in and out of therapy for 18 years and in and out of psych hospitals for 7 years, and nothing has helped for any length of time. I always end up depressed and suicidal. Even now, I'm in one of the top psych hospitals in the country, but I've been here over a year with no measurable improvement.

    I'm just so tired of all of it. I've been dealing with eating disorder and self-injury stuff that feels impossible to stop despite my best efforts. I've had 3 friends die since the end of June (2 from suicide, one from anorexia), and the only two friends I had where I am have apparently both decided they can't be bothered with me anymore, not that I blame them.

    I have this intense self-hatred that I can never escape, screaming in my head that I have to kill myself, I deserve to be dead, I have to kill myself. All day every day. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I know I'm a terrible person for wanting to kill myself because I *know* what it does to people, but I'm so far gone now that it doesn't matter enough. The only reason I'm still hanging on is my therapist and my friend in NZ, but I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on. I have plans and access to what I would need, though intent comes and goes. And I can't tell anyone here where I am or they would have me locked up in someplace far worse. Been there, done that, got the t-shirts, and I'm not going back again.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of the pain and the hopelessness and the self-hatred.
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there..
    im sorry ur feeling this way.. i feel it most of the time also.. its a horrible place 2 be :hug:
    ur not a horrible person from wanting 2 kill urself..i sometimes think i am aswel..but were not horrible ppl..we are just not feel this way anymore..we cant help it if we feel this way..
    hope ur ok..try 2 stay strong..u might not like it in hospital.. but it is the best place u can be 2 have the best chance of getting well..
    please stay safe x
  3. There is no place with a chance of me getting well. I've been hospitalized 17 times. If something were going to work, it would've worked already. I've done every kind of therapy known to man, but I'm just a lost cause. There's no point to me life.
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I don't know if I am in the best frame of mind to be offering words of encouragement as I am in a bad place right now but I related to what you said about the years of trying, the meds, the docs and the hospitals - fuck 6 point restaints didn't do a thing to help me so I know what ya mean!

    But I would like your thoughts on something and maybe we can help each other, who knows?? But I feel like such crap I will try anything cuz the next step is downing pills and wine to just escape for the day (or two?). Sooo..

    I am thinking I would be a lot happier if I could just accept that I am gonna have these crappy times (okay really fucking crappy times) all my life and that there will be times of great joy in between??? I mean lets face it is never 1000% shit right? I mean hell I laugh here and like you I have a few precious reasons that keep me going so do you think we ought to just stop fighting the pain and say "Oh today is a crap day..oh well lets get down to the business of the day and hope tomorrow is not a crap day?"
    Does this make sense? Acceptance? is that the key for ones like us?
  5. I dunno. I've tried acceptance and still felt like shit, still wanted to be dead. Maybe I'm just too screwed up to even do the acceptance thing right, but I get so angry when people tell me stuff like, "Oh, everyone has bad days. You just have to accept it and keep going." If I accepted being suicidal all the time, I'd have been dead along time ago. I don't think people consider that when they're spewing those kinds of platitudes.

    If this were just an occasional thing, maybe it would be something I could accept. But I spend probably 75% of my life wanting to kill myself, if not more. Why should that be something anyone should have to accept? Either there is hope for me to get better or I should just be allowed to kill myself. My whole treatment team is at a loss as to how to help, and I've been in treatment for years. If my team has no idea how to help, then why should I be obligated to stay alive?
  6. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I personally don't feel any obligation to live, none at all really. My father flat out told me that he would kill himself if I did and while I find that sad I see that as his choice and it has little to no impact on me. Maybe I am a heartless bitch but in the same way it is my choice and yours it is his too.

    I really feel for you as I am certainly not at 75% of the time feeling like crap but seems when I do have lows they take me to the edge and fast! They too don't know what to do about these states and if this new drug combo does not work I am going to try ECT have they tried that on you?
  7. They won't do ECT's on me. I have a congenital neurovascular deformity, and ECT's would probably kill me. I've tried just about every med made--antidepressants, mood stabilizers, sedatives, antipsychotics, you name it. I'm on a whole cocktail of meds now, but they might as well be sugar pills, for all the good they're doing me.

    It wouldn't be so bad if I at least had some hope that things might get better, but I don't. I have an entire treatment team, and no one really has any idea what to do with me anymore. I think I'm just too far gone.
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