I feel like I can't take any more of my life. I've been in and out of therapy for 18 years and in and out of psych hospitals for 7 years, and nothing has helped for any length of time. I always end up depressed and suicidal. Even now, I'm in one of the top psych hospitals in the country, but I've been here over a year with no measurable improvement. I'm just so tired of all of it. I've been dealing with eating disorder and self-injury stuff that feels impossible to stop despite my best efforts. I've had 3 friends die since the end of June (2 from suicide, one from anorexia), and the only two friends I had where I am have apparently both decided they can't be bothered with me anymore, not that I blame them. I have this intense self-hatred that I can never escape, screaming in my head that I have to kill myself, I deserve to be dead, I have to kill myself. All day every day. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop. I know I'm a terrible person for wanting to kill myself because I *know* what it does to people, but I'm so far gone now that it doesn't matter enough. The only reason I'm still hanging on is my therapist and my friend in NZ, but I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on. I have plans and access to what I would need, though intent comes and goes. And I can't tell anyone here where I am or they would have me locked up in someplace far worse. Been there, done that, got the t-shirts, and I'm not going back again. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of the pain and the hopelessness and the self-hatred.