I feel like i have been living a lie, these past couple of years everyone has been telling me that they are here for me, that i can trust them but it was all a lie. my life's a lie as if i didnt hate myself enough already. so many people thinking im lying, trying to get attention, not moving on with my grief, just plain being stupid for not letting go. They think i dont want help and that they waste their time even acknowledging me. well if you knew me, really knew me and understood me you'd kno that this wasnt true; but none of you take the time to look beyond the words. To look beyond the "im ok" or "tired" to see a quivering child hiding in the shadows of my my mind and my soul. No one takes the time to realize i cant fix me, it isnt that i dont want to, its....ive lost myself a long the way, and with problem after problem building up and me not being able to trust anyone to confide in to let anything out. I have lost what little confidence I had left within myself and have lost all faith in the people around me. The people i cared about and would do anything for. people i considered friends and would never hurt, and yet they turn their backs on me, make me realize how much everyone really hates me. Hate such a little word but how fast it can take a small pain and turn it into a kind of suffering that makes you wish you could just disappear forever from. Im not saying this to hurt anyone, in the beginning all i wanted to do was get back at the people who hurt me, make them suffer as much as they did me; but making them hurt doesn't help solve anything it only makes it worse. Im saying this because for months i have not been able to sleep well, eat or focus on coping this miserable life. All i feel is the pain of people who didnt care how much their words hurt me, words that meant nothing to them but tore out my heart and shattered the tiny fragments of my soul. I will never forgive the once trusted friends who have betrayed me, never before have i held a grudge this long but what happened will never go away, that memory of that night lives in my mind forever; and no amount of apologizing will ever change that. I used to trust on sight and would always be there for someone until they gave me a reason not to. now i have trust for no one ever again. ive had it with always being there and then being stepped on like dirt under someones feet. no more....no more.