No more

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostbutnotfound, Nov 9, 2010.

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  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    Please bear with me, I'm not used to doing anything like this, and stumbled upon this website a couple of days ago. Have been trying to build up the courage to write something ever since... It's even tougher than I thought...
    Right, well, obviously I'm suicidal at the minute, it might make sense to try and explain why...
    Erm, okay, well as a child I was in a violent household, both of my parents drank and took drugs and used to hit eachother around, or sometimes me if they couldn't reach the other one. From the age of 8 I was left to fend for myself over the weekend so they could go on a 4-day pub bender, so would be gone days at a time, with no food etc. So I guess, maybe I was neglected or whatever. And then, when I was 12 my grandfather started sexually abusing me and I became anorexic. I finally told someone when I was 14, before trying to end my life. I was rushed to hospital, 'saved', and put into care. My entire family disowned me for 'breaking up the family, and leaving my mum when she needed me most'.. though mum was really upset and I still saw her occasionally. Within 3 months of being in my first foster home, my foster carers son, and his friend, raped me while my foster carer was out for the night.
    I moved around lots of different places after that, due to people feeling unable to deal with me and my self harm and 'self-destructive behaviour'. I made numerous attempts to commit suicide, unfortunately none of them worked.
    And, now, here I am, 21 years of age. Things were brighter for a couple of years, and I thought I had beaten everyone who had hurt me. Until last year, when I randomly got a text from my mum. I can't go into detail, it still hurts, but she said stuff I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. She hates me, and the basic intent of the text was stating that everything that happened to me was my fault and I deserved it. So I went off the rails, attempted suicide again, failed, again. I attempted once more about 10 weeks ago and failed. And 2 days ago, I received an email from my mum (I don't see her anymore, when I was 15 she stated she wanted nothing more to do with me) saying even worse stuff than before. I truly can't go through this anymore. I really can't

    I'm so so so sorry about how long this post is. If anyone actually reads it, I will be amazed! I'm not sure why I wrote this, but I haven't got anything else to lose anymore.
     
  2. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    I think your mother is hurting too. Why else would she send email to you? She must have issues that is hurting her and she is using you to "shift the blame".
     
  3. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    That's all well and good, but that's not my fault. She is supposed to by mum, if everyone else hates me, she is supposed to be the one person who doesn't. I know she is hurting, and I understand why, and I still love her to bits, but that doesn't stop the hurt when she emails me telling me I should have counted myself lucky that my granddad found my attractive. Maybe she is right. I don't know anymore
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you need to block your mother from your computer so she cannot send you harmful msgs anymore I think it is good you are away from that toxic enviorment and people there. you should if you have not get a good psychologist to help you heal okay Get a therapist that deals with trauma
    You do not have to take anymore abuse from any of them okay You block allthe negative connections you have NO more letting them hurt you okay
    BLOCK her off anything you have and move on make a new life now away from all the pain
     
  5. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi Violet

    Thank you so much for replying. I know I should block my mum, but I still hold hope that one da she is going to turn around and realise she loves me. I know it's farfetched but I can't help it. I just want her to want me. To be there, like a mother should. Urgh, I hate it when I moan. I'm sorry

    And I know I should get on with my life, but I can't. I feel dirty, infected by what's happened. I don't understand how I could ever be happy, how anyone could love me when I'm 'second hand goods'. The only way out of this is suicide. I can't keep living when it hurts this bad. I really can't cope with this anymore. Sorry
     
  6. Absum

    Absum Member

    It is not your fault, it really isnt. You are not second hand goods. Please dont belive the lies that have been forced on you.

    I am with Violet on this one. Block all connections to your previous life. Stay well away. Even though your mother is venting and shifting the blame she has no right to put you down like that.

    Please belive me that there are people who look past your experiences and see you with uncolored glasses.
     
  7. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    What if they are not lies though? What if what she is saying is the truth. She actively wants me to die, she told me to do it. She can't be wrong. And like I said, rationally I know I should block her, but what if she needs me in the future? She won't be able to get hold of me. My life is so messed up right now. I deserve this. And I should die. She is right. I'm beyond help I guess. I'm sorry for wasting your time
     
  8. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Hi lostbutnotfound, I'm new here too, kicked off my story with a big old post and ruined everyone's eyes.

    What happened to you was not your fault in any way. It was the work of terrible people who were charged with your protection and failed you.

    I understand you may feel your mother may make a turn around but right now she's hurting you and you don't have to deal with that. I'm with the others, you need to block out these people, cut them loose. It will be hard but right now, it's what you need to help yourself.

    Get the help you need, see a therapist, your GP, whatever you want to get you to a better place. Only when you build up your strength and faith in yourself can you deal with these people. You'll realise what an amazing person you really are and so will everyone else.

    Everyone doesn't hate you, because I'm part of everyone and so are the other people here, by posting here you've let us into your life, so we're on your everyone train now, I don't hate you and neither does anyone else here. Stick around, you might find something good.
     
  9. Absum

    Absum Member

    By some account everything can be a waste of time. It is a matter of perspective. And I guarantee, you are not wasting my time.

    I understand your wish to help your mother if she is in need. But as you said, how can you help her if she cant get in touch with you?

    Trying to balance an imbalanced existence means you actively have to choose what you let yourself be influenced by. And right now any contact with your mother might not be a healty thing for you. So a little distance might not be a bad thing.
    You could simply choose not to read anything she writes for a while. Until you have gotten your feet on a little more solid ground.
     
  10. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Thank you Prophet and Absum

    I can't believe you actually wrote to me... I feel so worthless that this comes as a huge shock!!
    Prophet, thank you for saying you care.. I think you're the only one right now!

    I know I should block my mum, and I just have, but my heart is literally aching having done so. I want to be there for her, if she ever needs me. Now I know she is alone, and she doesn't even have me to fall back on. I do have Mental Health Services involvement at the moment, and a few weeks ago spent some time in a psychiatric unit, but these suicidal feeling are right now, stronger than ever. I know I keep on moaning, and this is why I keep apologising, you surely have you're own stuff to deal with (prophet, i happened to read your post earlier and was moved) and me moaning about non-sequential shit probably isn't helping. I just can't fond a way out right now. I feel so... deserving of suicide. Like everything I have done has resulted in this. Humph, I will shut up now... am boring myself!!
     
  11. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    Thanks for staying around, every extra minute your still kicking around ranting on here is a win for me.

    You have nothing to apologise for, you can moan, rant and rave until your keys fly out of the bottom of your keyboard and you'll get the same support as when you first posted.

    I'm glad you made the right choice, I understand it's hard to block her out, if nothing else she now knows she can't project her blame onto you, maybe she'll realise what she's doing and get the help she also needs. You're the important one here and you've taken and big step in the right direction.

    Don't worry about what I or others have to deal with, I wouldn't be here posting if I didn't want you support you. I've never bought into that other people worse off stuff, I don't find comfort in other people's pain. There are other problems out there, but that's them and we're us, it does not change how our problems affect us. This is your thread for you and those offering support.

    Post as much as you want, whenever you want.
     
  12. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I could cry right now! Thank you for your kind and lovely words. I'm gobsmacked that you care enough to keep posting. I'm stunned that you think I am worth talking to. And I thank you so much for that.

    I hope she does get the help she needs. I know she has punched, hit and kicked me as well as the emotional abuse but she is still my mum and I want her to be better... purely selfishly ofcourse as I just want her to love me!!! Haha

    Thank you so much for offering support
     
  13. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    I am so sad to hear about your situation. I just want you to know that you are not to blame. So many times we are made to feel this way which gives us no way out but to kill ourselves. But the picture you are sharing with us has loopholes. I hope you realize that the people (even your mother, god bless her) has her own issues, and she can't help but to make you feel guilty. That being said, you need to separate yourself from those who would purposely or inadvertently use you for their ends. I hope I helped you in some small way. You are absolutely and positively not to blame for the circumstance you find yourself in. I would love to talk to you further if I have a chance. Yours truly, peacegirl
     
  14. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I can't believe this may people have replied. I'm absolutely in shock. Peacegirl thank you so much.You have helped, every message I get helps me try and understand that I'm not completely in the wrong. I'm glad you think I'm not to blame, but after 21 years of it, it's hard to accept. What loopholes have you detected?!
    I know my mum is unwell, it just hurts that my own flesh and blood would desert me this easily. God, I moan waaaaaaaaaaaay too much!! I'm sorry
     
  15. Prophet

    Prophet Well-Known Member

    You're very welcome and don't be so shocked. There's plenty of good people out there who will help and support you.

    I hope so too for both your sakes. It's time to concentrate on you now though, get your help and things will slowly start to improve.

    I hope you feel even a little better for coming here, I have. My support is very much offered anytime.
     
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    She won't change she won't so you need to change okay you need to look after you NOTHING was your fault nothing i know what is like to feel like garabage okay i know but your are NOT that you are someone very special and you need to let all those sick people who hurt you go
    They are the ones that are sick and you need to stay as far away from them as possible.
    You are a someone you matter and i pray you go get help okay you deserve help love care and so much more
     
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