No motivation anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by emotionallyexhausted, May 14, 2012.

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  1. ... and i dont have the motivation to keep going anymore. let me tell you a little bit about my life

    i grew up in a very verbally, physically emotionally abusive household. my father mostly, but my mother let it happen, bc if she didnt, she would get it too. They were both alcholics and drug addicts. only doing things that benefit themselves, my dad even tried to kill us once bc we didnt have money for christmas. all of our family members looked the other way, and my mom never seriously left my dad. they are still together now.

    i was an extremely promiscuous person through my teen years, and through my marriage too. i have 3 daughters by 3 differnt men. i loved all three, with all my heart, but they all abandoned me, with my youngest's father having committed suicide 9/09.

    12/10 i find out i have huntingtons disease, and im dying, and that my children have a 50% chance of having this too. i go to bed every night praying for some sort of miracle, that my life cant be this bad, and now for the rest of it i am guaranteed to suffer too. I was so numb i was barely functional.

    10/11 andy came into my life. a friend of mine since high school, and he showed me that he didnt judge, by howing up at the motel i was living in just to show me he didnt care about my situation. I fell so hard in love with him, he promised me that i would never be hurt again. he hurt me a lot. he says a lot of hurtful things, he doesnt call me names or anything, but he says things to lead me to believe he doesnt care one way or another,but he says hes in love with me.

    im about to lose him. he told me that he has only been with me bc he knows i deserve to be happy. and tonight he said that he was done and im devasttated, i cant handle all of the suffering without no one to lean on. i dont want to fight alone, and im not strong enough. why cant i just be normal? im so screwed up im holding on to someone who doesnt want to be held... i cant handle loss and abandonment. i just want to be happy and healthy but i dont have either? so my question is, why should i delay the inevitable? i dont want to live like t his anymore, i dont really want to live at all.

    Its so hard to find the motivation to keep going, when my quality of life already sucks to begin with. I feel like it would be merciful for me to end the suffering now.
     
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    You are going through a very tough time but you have 3 children who need you too.Are you seeking any sort of help with everything that you are coping with.I m sure if you talk to your doc there has to be some sort of support around.We are here to for support as well glad youve reached out.Please seek some good support as you do need it to help you stay strong and as i said we here too.
     
  3. i dont have the means to get any help. no money, and no insurance. its complicated story... i just dont have any fight left in me
     
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    There is always a support network can you say where you are as ppl here can turn you to the right direction i have seen it through here.I understand you just want to give in but if you know you can have that help it will help get you through.
     
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