Im sitting here in front of my pc writing this words, woundering what the point?
My whole life my parents done nothing for me, my whole life my parents said that by feeding me and supplying me with a place to live, it means that thay do everything for me. When i was 17 it was the first time i noticed that somthing is wrong with me,
i wasnt able to learn, and i spent a huge amount of my free time on computer games, and only by the age of 17 i knew why.
I discovered what a Depression is and how it effects me, and the fact that i spent so much time in front of the computer, playing games, is becouse i needed to disconnect from the reallity serrounding me, and the thoughts in my head. Back then i wast suicidial, but i felt so worthless that i lost any motivation to do anything. By the age of 18 i droped out of school, my parents didnt done anything about it, thay just said that im a worthless and a lazy boy who will spend the rest f his low life on some sh*ty job.
After i droped out of school my dad sent me away from home to live alone in some distant city, i managed to hold on for about 5 months before my mental condition tourned from Depressd to Suicidial. I left my job, i wast able to support myself so i came back home with hope that my parent accept me to live with them. My parents was in rage and keept telling me how worthless and lazy i am, thay never beliaved me that i have a mental issues.
One day i asked them for some money so that i could go to a psychatriest and prove them that im not lazy, to proove them that i have mental disorder and that is why i cant do anything (learn or work).
My dad gave me some cash and sent me away.
By myself with a sevier depression and suicidial thoughts i found a psyichtriest and told him about my life and so on. After 1 meeting he sent me to the local mental hospital where psychtriest accpted to help me with no charge.
After that my parents didnt said anything, i countiniud meeting a psychtriest
twise each week for 3 YEARS! and spent loads of money on pills.
Sometimes my mental condition was better sometimes worse but i could live, i had freands, i had hobbies, i was active.
Then my parents started this business in other country, my father left first
for 2 years i lived with only my mother, then she left too, i had no choise and after 2 month i joined them.
After i came to this new country, Ukraine, i stopped taking pills becouse there is no such pills in here, my depression came back, and it wasnt long before the suicudial thoughts took over. I live here for 4 months now, for 4 months i asked my father to take me to a psychtriest, he refused by telling me that the psychtriest here are diffrent and that most of them are actualy thifes and that all thay do is helping drug addicts by closing them in mental health hospitals, where thay are filled with drugs so that thay dont know who thay are and where thay are. Anyway he refused and for me, im just too scared to do it by myself, and i dont know how becouse this is a new country with new ruls and beurocracy, and i dont know the lunguage very well.
Anyways, each time i asked my parents for help, thay refused to help me, the only thing thay help me with is if i need cash so that i could help myself.
It was like this and it still like this.
So now my situations is like this:
Im depressed and unable to do anything at all
(I even loosing the "need" for smoke)
I dont have any income at all
I live in a country where i dont know how to help myself
I dont know the local lunguage very well
My perents ignoring my mental condition
I am unable to work or learn
Im suicidial
So.. I wake up in the morning, eating breakfast, watching tv, surfing the internet, eating again, watvhing tv, surfing the internet, eating, going to sleep. every day, this is my life.
No freands, no one to talk to, im like a shadow
even if ill die no one will notice
if ill die my parent wount need to support me finnansly any more
so at least there is one good thing i can do, that right, to die.
This is me
Sorry for my lame english, heh im 23 years old and im the most worhtless guy in the world, i dont even know a lunguage good enough to wright with no mistakes! lol i even tryed to suicide 1 year ago and i field, im am SO worthless!!!
All i need now is to find a tall building...
My whole life my parents done nothing for me, my whole life my parents said that by feeding me and supplying me with a place to live, it means that thay do everything for me. When i was 17 it was the first time i noticed that somthing is wrong with me,
i wasnt able to learn, and i spent a huge amount of my free time on computer games, and only by the age of 17 i knew why.
I discovered what a Depression is and how it effects me, and the fact that i spent so much time in front of the computer, playing games, is becouse i needed to disconnect from the reallity serrounding me, and the thoughts in my head. Back then i wast suicidial, but i felt so worthless that i lost any motivation to do anything. By the age of 18 i droped out of school, my parents didnt done anything about it, thay just said that im a worthless and a lazy boy who will spend the rest f his low life on some sh*ty job.
After i droped out of school my dad sent me away from home to live alone in some distant city, i managed to hold on for about 5 months before my mental condition tourned from Depressd to Suicidial. I left my job, i wast able to support myself so i came back home with hope that my parent accept me to live with them. My parents was in rage and keept telling me how worthless and lazy i am, thay never beliaved me that i have a mental issues.
One day i asked them for some money so that i could go to a psychatriest and prove them that im not lazy, to proove them that i have mental disorder and that is why i cant do anything (learn or work).
My dad gave me some cash and sent me away.
By myself with a sevier depression and suicidial thoughts i found a psyichtriest and told him about my life and so on. After 1 meeting he sent me to the local mental hospital where psychtriest accpted to help me with no charge.
After that my parents didnt said anything, i countiniud meeting a psychtriest
twise each week for 3 YEARS! and spent loads of money on pills.
Sometimes my mental condition was better sometimes worse but i could live, i had freands, i had hobbies, i was active.
Then my parents started this business in other country, my father left first
for 2 years i lived with only my mother, then she left too, i had no choise and after 2 month i joined them.
After i came to this new country, Ukraine, i stopped taking pills becouse there is no such pills in here, my depression came back, and it wasnt long before the suicudial thoughts took over. I live here for 4 months now, for 4 months i asked my father to take me to a psychtriest, he refused by telling me that the psychtriest here are diffrent and that most of them are actualy thifes and that all thay do is helping drug addicts by closing them in mental health hospitals, where thay are filled with drugs so that thay dont know who thay are and where thay are. Anyway he refused and for me, im just too scared to do it by myself, and i dont know how becouse this is a new country with new ruls and beurocracy, and i dont know the lunguage very well.
Anyways, each time i asked my parents for help, thay refused to help me, the only thing thay help me with is if i need cash so that i could help myself.
It was like this and it still like this.
So now my situations is like this:
Im depressed and unable to do anything at all
(I even loosing the "need" for smoke)
I dont have any income at all
I live in a country where i dont know how to help myself
I dont know the local lunguage very well
My perents ignoring my mental condition
I am unable to work or learn
Im suicidial
So.. I wake up in the morning, eating breakfast, watching tv, surfing the internet, eating again, watvhing tv, surfing the internet, eating, going to sleep. every day, this is my life.
No freands, no one to talk to, im like a shadow
even if ill die no one will notice
if ill die my parent wount need to support me finnansly any more
so at least there is one good thing i can do, that right, to die.
This is me
Sorry for my lame english, heh im 23 years old and im the most worhtless guy in the world, i dont even know a lunguage good enough to wright with no mistakes! lol i even tryed to suicide 1 year ago and i field, im am SO worthless!!!
All i need now is to find a tall building...