No one cares, im alone! :( *trigger*

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Summer.Rain, May 31, 2008.

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  1. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Im sitting here in front of my pc writing this words, woundering what the point?
    My whole life my parents done nothing for me, my whole life my parents said that by feeding me and supplying me with a place to live, it means that thay do everything for me. When i was 17 it was the first time i noticed that somthing is wrong with me,
    i wasnt able to learn, and i spent a huge amount of my free time on computer games, and only by the age of 17 i knew why.
    I discovered what a Depression is and how it effects me, and the fact that i spent so much time in front of the computer, playing games, is becouse i needed to disconnect from the reallity serrounding me, and the thoughts in my head. Back then i wast suicidial, but i felt so worthless that i lost any motivation to do anything. By the age of 18 i droped out of school, my parents didnt done anything about it, thay just said that im a worthless and a lazy boy who will spend the rest f his low life on some sh*ty job.
    After i droped out of school my dad sent me away from home to live alone in some distant city, i managed to hold on for about 5 months before my mental condition tourned from Depressd to Suicidial. I left my job, i wast able to support myself so i came back home with hope that my parent accept me to live with them. My parents was in rage and keept telling me how worthless and lazy i am, thay never beliaved me that i have a mental issues.
    One day i asked them for some money so that i could go to a psychatriest and prove them that im not lazy, to proove them that i have mental disorder and that is why i cant do anything (learn or work).
    My dad gave me some cash and sent me away.
    By myself with a sevier depression and suicidial thoughts i found a psyichtriest and told him about my life and so on. After 1 meeting he sent me to the local mental hospital where psychtriest accpted to help me with no charge.
    After that my parents didnt said anything, i countiniud meeting a psychtriest
    twise each week for 3 YEARS! and spent loads of money on pills.
    Sometimes my mental condition was better sometimes worse but i could live, i had freands, i had hobbies, i was active.
    Then my parents started this business in other country, my father left first
    for 2 years i lived with only my mother, then she left too, i had no choise and after 2 month i joined them.
    After i came to this new country, Ukraine, i stopped taking pills becouse there is no such pills in here, my depression came back, and it wasnt long before the suicudial thoughts took over. I live here for 4 months now, for 4 months i asked my father to take me to a psychtriest, he refused by telling me that the psychtriest here are diffrent and that most of them are actualy thifes and that all thay do is helping drug addicts by closing them in mental health hospitals, where thay are filled with drugs so that thay dont know who thay are and where thay are. Anyway he refused and for me, im just too scared to do it by myself, and i dont know how becouse this is a new country with new ruls and beurocracy, and i dont know the lunguage very well.
    Anyways, each time i asked my parents for help, thay refused to help me, the only thing thay help me with is if i need cash so that i could help myself.
    It was like this and it still like this.
    So now my situations is like this:
    Im depressed and unable to do anything at all
    (I even loosing the "need" for smoke)
    I dont have any income at all
    I live in a country where i dont know how to help myself
    I dont know the local lunguage very well
    My perents ignoring my mental condition
    I am unable to work or learn
    Im suicidial

    So.. I wake up in the morning, eating breakfast, watching tv, surfing the internet, eating again, watvhing tv, surfing the internet, eating, going to sleep. every day, this is my life.
    No freands, no one to talk to, im like a shadow
    even if ill die no one will notice
    if ill die my parent wount need to support me finnansly any more
    so at least there is one good thing i can do, that right, to die.

    This is me
    Sorry for my lame english, heh im 23 years old and im the most worhtless guy in the world, i dont even know a lunguage good enough to wright with no mistakes! lol i even tryed to suicide 1 year ago and i field, im am SO worthless!!!

    All i need now is to find a tall building...
     
  2. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    To be honest I am jealous of your life. You have done more living then I've ever done.

    I don't think you are worthless or lazy, you just have your problems to deal with.
    If your parents are foreign then I can understand why they make you feel like worthless shit. My mom isn't American and she always told me that I will never amount to anything. But since I dropped out of school due to depression and suicide attempts she has come around and become more supportive... I know my parents love me.... they take care of me even when they don't need to. No one has to keep me alive.... nothing has to keep me alive.

    I am sorry that you are alone and your life is miserable.
    You could try to learn Russian or whatever language they speak in the Ukraine.
    If no one can help you, you need to help yourself. I feel stupid for saying that because I myself can't even help myself...

    Try your best, do your best, be your best.
    Live and die the way you choose.
     
  3. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I just cant imagine how it is possible to do less then what i did...
    I have no proffesion, no skills, I never had a job for longer then 1 month.
    Anyway what the point to learn Russian if i am unable to work?
    As far as i know there is no sucial help in Ukraine.
    Im too tired of helping myself :(
    At least your mom undarstanding you...
    My parents just ignoring me....
     
  4. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Its possible...

    I have no profession either. I have intellect but no social skills. I am smart and logical but It's hard for me to share myself with other people. I hate myself so much it's ridiculous. I feel so fukking ridiculous.

    You could learn Russian so you can try to get a job or meet new people. Learning Russian will open many doors.

    I understand how you feel. I am not to tired but I am weak. I have tried but I never get far.... I am fine with being worthless. I just don't care anymore.

    It's hard not be loved but you get used to it eventually. I am used to being alone and thus now I prefer it. I can be myself when I am alone. I don't have to lie or pretend when I am alone... I'll live until people get sick of me, or I give up, when that point comes I'll end it all. But for now I'm holding on...
     
  5. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    You right about the things one can get used to...
    Im not sure about you, i guess that you, just like me, do not enjoy
    the fact that others supports you even though thay dont have to.
    But as for me it is extrimly hard for me to recive even the basic support
    from my parents.
    But then, as you said, i am used to it, i am used to the hard fealings
    i feel about me beeing such a worthless person...
     
  6. Franki

    Franki New Member

    I feel the same way, I feel like I'm in the same situation.
     
  7. unbearable

    unbearable Well-Known Member

    *hugs* im 23 as well and ive spent years doing nothing, im agoraphobic and have social anxiety so I cant leave the house, no friends and no life, i just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in experiencing that.
    You are not worthless, I know lifes no fun when your not feeling as if you are living but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to die either.

    Take care x

    Ps. my spellings not good so I have to spell check all my posts, someone close to me cant spell a 3 letter word but that does not mean they are worthless etc. it does not take away from your heart and who you are, to me academic intelligence doesnt mean that much, its the other kind of intelligence that i see in people, i mean the soul, the compassion and awareness.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2008
  8. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    You know.. when im thinking about me beeing such a worthless person
    well, i was more thinking about me not able to build a stable feauture
    for myself. Even though i am somewhat aducated, i dont have any records
    about it becouse i never done any tests... with no aducation records i cant get a job at all, with no aducation the only job unaducated people can take is physicale jobs, but i cant do it also becouse.. well.. my boddy if far from ideal and i just dont have the phisical strainght...
    So.. even if i had no depression... i cant do anything... even if i will come out of my depression... there is nothing out there waiting for me.
    Some may say that i can study again to recive official papers about my
    aducation so that i could find a job, but i live in a country where my English is far better then the local lounguage in here, and my english is far from ideal so it means that even if i want, it is extrimly hard for me to study in here, plus dont forget that i do have mental issues, which make the whole thing impossible. That why im feeling worthless, i have no feauture at all!
    With or without the depression!
     
  9. meh__

    meh__ Well-Known Member

    have you ever thought about maybe moving back to your home country or to a country where they speak alot of english like canada or the states?
     
  10. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Yes i thought about it, I thought maybe to move to Canada or England, but the problem is that even if i will, my parents wount
    join me, so ill be all by myself in unknown country, with no citizenship, with no
    place to stay in, and with no money. And becouse i am not able to work due
    to my mental condition, it is impossible for me to survive in there. :(
     
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