No One Cares

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Mar 21, 2015.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    I really don't care myself. But its heartbreaking when you have no one in your life that gives a d*mn. No support. Doctors and therapists turn you away because your poor. Can't afford insurance to receive sufficient treatment for some of the most complex medical issues of our time. Mental Illness. My family..... they just don't care much. Have no idea how much I suffer. There are are so many unreasonable barriers between me and a path to mental stability. I have no hope to ever finding it or every getting better. So I just .... suffer. Day in and day out. I just suffer. I am in hell. I am in hell right now. This is my eternity. And no one cares. People say they care, but do they really. I know im nothing. I get it, im not worth anything. Im a waste of space. I wish I was dead. I wish I could just collapse right now. I dont want <mod edit - methods>. I dont want to <mod edit - methods>. I just want to faint and just die.

    I read so many stories on here of people just lost and in pain. And theres really nothing anyone can do probably. Everything just seems so hopeless. For all of you, I wish there was a way. We suffer in ways people just dont understand. I hurt for you. And im so sorry. You get one life and this is it. These are the cards im dealt. Truly a fate worse than death. Living with mental illness. And its astounding how people stigmatize me and just dont seem to care at all.

    There is no way out. Maybe a few of us will squirt through the maze, but theres really no way out. I am trapped.... forever.

    To all of the normal ones, with perfect lives, and love, and money, and stability and health. One day you will be laying in a bed, getting sick, getting old, in pain, depressed and dying. And then you will feel part of what I feel. And I wish I could be there to see it.

    Im tired of crying for help. Trying to find support. Begging for people to help me. Im done reaching out. Im done praying to a absent God. Its ok. Its ok. I will find my support in death. I will find my help in death. If I cant live a beautiful life, I want to have a beautiful death. Taking a bottom of pills laying in my mothers garden, slowly drifting away, staring at the sky or a dying flower. I know it wont last forever but I just want it to be over with now. Why am I here. Why do I feel this way. Why wont it just go away. Why doesnt anyone care about me? Why doesnt anyone care? Why doesnt anyone care.....
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 22, 2015
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I'm really sorry to hear things are so difficult for you right now. Trying to deal with depression is so hard anyway, but to try to do it without treatment or a support network of family and friends can make the challenges of this nasty disease seem insurmountable. You mention you don't have insurance, but depending on where you live, you might have more options than you realize. Local hotlines often can steer you towards no cost, or low cost therapy. I was astonished to discover that the local hotline where I live actually offers free in-home therapy as a stop gap until they can get people settled with affordable therapy. They even have a clinic where free psychiatric care is available for medication management. If you live in the US, you might also consider calling "211" which is a hotline that puts people in touch with all kinds of community resources. "211" isn't available everywhere, but it is quickly spreading throughout the country.

    I know what it is like to beg for help for friends and pray for help from God and not get it. It is almost impossible not to feel bitter under such circumstances. Sometimes people really are jerks and don't care, but all too often, they are just unable to cope with our depression. It's great you've posted here, because everyone here really does understand and it is a very caring community. I haven't been here very long, but I've been impressed by how much people want to help each other. As for God....well, that's another story and who knows the answer to that one? Certainly not me.

    You sound very tired and ready to give up. In fact, it sounds like you have a plan. This is a very dangerous place to be and you need to get some help as soon as you can. Please keep posting here and try calling a hotline. If you don't get relief, try another one,or even call the same one back. Odds are you'll get a different operator and that person might be the right one. My experience is that most hotline operators are very caring and compassionate people. Some of them are poorly trained or burned out so you do run the risk of running into the occasional person who doesn't help much - but that's why it's worth calling back.

    There is help out there and there are people who care.
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Most people simply don't understand the nature of depression or mental illness. I've even met professionals (seen quite a few of them) who didn't seem to grasp the concept that being in pain is not by choice and can just be argued away with logic. The best thing I've found is peer support. That isn't easy though, I found it through going to rehab of all places.

    Posting here is good and I think people really care here, I know I do. Hope you find some help.
  4. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Its mission impossible. Im fighting something profoundly beyond my understanding and ability to cope. Theres no cure, and eventually it will kill me. I live in Tenn. One of the worse states when it comes to welfare and disability claims. No medicaid, high priced insurance, piss poor mental health facilities, and some of the worse doctors and psychiatrists in the country. Ive check extensively for local places in my area and there just isnt anything. The facility near me is idea and has a comprehensive out patient program but i have to have insurance. lol. Poor people are the ones who need these services more than anyone but its just like cancer, if you cant afford treatment, too bad, just die as quickly as you can. Thats why suicide will always be an option on the table for me. Suffering long term is not. And its ok, cos noone cares. Me dying would be about as significant as someone stepping on a roach. No one cares.

    You know what breaks my heart. Seeing these police officers gun down these mentally ill people, who have no chance. Cos no one cares about them. And theyre the villains cos their mind has been left untreated and broken. But at least they are being put out of their misery. I wish someone would do the same for me. I dont feel help from people here or anywhere else. I come here for support and to try to start a dialogue but no one is really interested. If I was some pretty girl going through angst about a break up im sure id had alot of replies. lol.

    I have the means and desire but I dont have a plan. Ive cut down on calling hotlines. Its like talking to scripted robots. Theyre only volunteers, not professionals. No one cares.
  5. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    Your post hit home Multiple Man. In my experience I have found a lot of people don't understand chronic mental illness. Many people want a fast easy fix for it, when for many, (myself included) it is something they deal with for a lifetime. And as soon as you see some improvement, you are fixed! The medical industry is a business first and foremost, and a lot of doctors are hardened or try to turn things around on you I have found. It's also like you said: a lot of people have no idea how we suffer. Some of them don't want to and some of them can't deal with it because they have too much else going on in their lives. I feel like if I could just push a button and disappear forever I totally would, so I get what you are saying, and I feel that way very often. Society doesn't know what to do with mental illness exactly because it is so complex. Society doesn't know what to do with a person who really does not want to be here. In my experience there is no beautiful death, just a horrible and haunting experience trying to reach it. In fact I'm haunted by it daily. I'm not going to assume I know about your life but I would bet people would be devastated if you were gone man. That helps to hold me here, but I know it is hard when people don't understand. Feeling alone when you are ill is a real terror. By the way you wouldn't happen to be an X-Factor fan would you? I'm guessing that's where you got your name from? Great comic series. I just want you to know I hear you man.
  6. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    The state of mental health care for the poor in this country is appalling and I can well believe things are so grim in Tenn. Like you say, it is the poor who need services the most, and yet, they just aren't there. Because my depression kept me from working, I was very close to being homeless last year and have never been so close to ending things. I knew I was not strong enough to survive life on the streets and didn't want to even try. Shelters were full, there was no place to go. At the last minute, one of my landlords revealed himself to be a compassionate human being and turned away the sheriffs until I could find a place. It's surprising where you find people who care.

    Is there any possibility of you moving to another state? Maybe one that's not so conservative? I live in Maryland and though budget slashing has hit here, too, there are probably more services than in Tenn.
  7. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Im replying to everyone's responses without quoting....

    My last therapist told me I should maybe see someone else or just try to live with it the best I can. She admittedly told me I would be denied disability and there are barriers between me being able to obtain mental stability. And I quote "your in limbo right now." And that despite my mental instability, social anxiety, depression and panic attacks I should "push" myself to work full time so I can get insurance or just accept what im going through now and find better coping skills. She wants to ween me off of clonazepam. For anxiety and depression her advice was to close my eyes and imagine im in paradise and listen to soothing music and sounds of nature. Or buy get a puppy. Sigh. They actually pay these people to tell me this garbage. Your right. Your so right. Its just like back in the medieval days. They had no idea what to do with mentally ill people then, or now. My sister, who is religious thinks I have a demon inside me and tells me to get baptized or something. It doesnt compute and I cant blame them. Its a form a darkness that you really cant imagine. Its a feeling you cant replicate or explain in full detail to people. You cant articulate it in a way that doctors would believe or understand.

    I think thats my main issues. I dont want to be here. And there is no easy way to check out. Im past the point of having sympathy for those who would be hurt by me being gone. Which is in essence only one person. Because that person doesnt have the equal amount of sympathy or understanding for my suffering. Its basically, continue to live and suffer so I wont have to bury you and grieve for about 3-4 months. We put people to death for committing heinous crimes. We put down animals that are sick or strayed. But for me.... just live with it. And im trying for this person. Because I love her. But when push comes to shove, if I were to commit suicide it wouldnt be because I quit on her, it would be because I lost my battle and ability to cope. Another issue I have is that I suffer from gastroparesis. On its own it is hell. And there is no way to treat it. The abdominal pains and 24/7 nausea contributes to my poor mental health but id actually rather have this than mental illness. To live with both is truly a life of misery.

    I think about death alot. I read so much about it and I honestly dont know what to believe. I do have one fear. That my consciousness would end up somewhere worse. But at times I feel like I would cut a deal with God, id give up eternity in heaven if he just destroyed my soul right now and spared me the 10-20 more year left here on earth. That is how much I hate life. That is how much i hate myself. Im agnostic. I just dont know either way. Thats what makes it hard to go through with suicide.

    I like the X-Men. But my name is not related to the comic character....

    There is no possibility of me moving. I live in a conservative state. Trying to get any kind of assistance, like food stamps, disability, and home repairs is like pulling teeth. My uncle is a iraq war vet with PTSD and was denied disability. Thats all you need to know about here. They dont allow for medicaid expansion here so the lowest insurance i could get is about 150 bucks a month. I could maybe afford something 30-40 dollars. I have to give myself credit for one thing. I drag myself to work and clean cars and scrub toilets part time for minimum wage, depressed, miserable, sick, and in pain, in tears, vomiting, and sometimes fainting, but the saving grace is i work alone so I have minimal social anxiety and panic. I cannot under any circumstance work around people. I have people go to the store for me or ill go to a store at 3 am in the morning. Ill try to go see a movie at the theater when theres only one or two people there. Im pretty screwed up.

    I think your landlord is a amazing person. I know those type of people exist. ive just never met one before. Your a stronger person than I am. And I hope and wish the best for you. Whatever keep you guys going, i wish I had that. Its a virtue. Never lose it.
  8. Big M

    Big M Well-Known Member

    What keeps me going somedays isn't much other than cowardice and fear that I won't succeed in an attempt. I lived in Tennessee but now I am in NY so I know the difference in how they view social programs and how brutal the south can be. That said just because your therapist (who sounds like a nitwit) said you won't get disability doesn't mean you won't. It is likely tough in Tennessee but it definitely sounds like you deserve it. I've had people tell me I could get it guaranteed when I was really bad and I've had people tell me I couldn't. A lot of therapists are really useless and there is a reason people are suspicious of them. Or they are just naiieve and believe they can change you. The government has it set up like a stinking game and often people who deserve it don't get it. I think you are a hero for working the way you do. I know it can be a monumental struggle and continues to be for me. Lately I've just been hoping for a breakthrough in antidepressants. One can hope at least, because nothing has worked for me to the point where I can be a fully functional human yet.
  9. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Big M is absolutely right - you are a hero for forcing yourself to work the way you do. It takes a great deal of courage and strength to do what you are doing, as sick as you are. I also agree that your therapist sounds like a nitwit. Urging you to force yourself to work full time doesn't sound very helpful - obviously you can't, or you would be doing it already. You're not exactly sitting around - you're out there trying with everything you've got.

    I'd get a lawyer and pursue social security disability, no matter how discouraging your therapist is. You don't have to pay SS lawyers up front - they take their pound of flesh from your first check. Do your research and find a law firm with a good record of success. They'll know the good doctors for your conditions. And don't be discouraged if you're turned down. I've read it often takes several times before you're successful.
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Its difficult to get services or resources you need. Sometimes people resort to getting a lawyer to force Social Security to approve you. Dont give up the fight. People can be limited with their job rules/regulations and cant bend rule to help you or risk losing their job. Its the rules/regulations that can make some people heartless or not helpful.

    People do care but sometimes theres nothing we can do as a bystander looking in but offer emotional support when needed.

    I would just say look into getting advice from lawyer who knows disability and can get you the approval you need.
  11. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    It really is a perfect trap. Fear of living, fear of dying. I dont really know if im capable of committing suicide. My two previous attempt were in the grips of rage and temporary insanity. I cant imagine consciously doing it. I wish I had that kind of courage, but I dont. Theres alot of nitwits when it comes to mental illness. It is overwhelmingly misunderstood, mistreated, undertreated, and just lack and comprehensive consistent method to treat it other than people playing merry go round with your pills and giving you fairy tale advice. But most depressing is the incredible lack of empathy for the mentally ill. Its looked at as a character flaw moreso than an illness.

    My therapists told me if im working part time im not mentally disabled. And despite having a partially paralyzed stomach, she said theyre not going to give me disability cos I cant eat pizza anymore. And went on to tell me about how people with cancer dont get treated cos they cant afford insurance or the treatments as if that is suppose to make me feel better???

    Your the first person in my entire life who has ever called me a "hero." I had to actually read it a few times. Even my mother doesnt say things that nice. Im not of course but thanks. Heroes overcome, saves the day and gets the girl. Im just a crippled loser. But ill admit, you know... whether its just desperation or the fact that its my crippled a*s working or being homeless, I do drag myself out of bed and work hard.

    We all know this is a dog eat dog world. And nothing will change really. I was actually going to wait until i got sicker to file. Cos you cant deny someone with feeding tubes down their throat and a mind that is slowly but surely deteriorating into sand. Either way itll be a 2-3 year process. I still have to work.

    Your right.... someone a long time ago told me sometimes you cant help, you cant only witness. Im beyond help.
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