No one f*****g wants me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Amanda, Oct 8, 2007.

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  1. Amanda

    Amanda Well-Known Member

    So Im all alone, I cant get sex with anyone, and I know you are all going to laugh at me and tell me to go find a cheap hooker, but thats not what I want because Im not really sure what I want, because well, just read my cliffnotes version of my life.

    - I was raped at 7-8 by my then best friend at the time... I went to therapy a bunch of times because of it but all the therapists said was that was a normalt thing that boys do to each other. Something tells me they have never had someone's cock forced into their mouth and ass. :unsure:

    - I have Complex PTSD from it, even though it was 12 years ago now I still have flashbacks and I still am scared when I start a new year of school now that I will see him. I still cry myself to sleep because of it.

    - I have OCD.

    - I am depressed.

    - I am trannsexual, and will soon be going through the process to do a male-to-female sex change surgery. I wanted to change my username to Amanda, as that is what will be my new name when i transition, but it was already in use, so if anyone has any ideas for a username let me know, id like to hear them.

    - I got my first real job, they loved me, and on the last shift i worked, they gave me a raise, a benefits package, and wrote me up twice, for working so hard and going above and beyond. Later that shift they found out I was transgender, and I was fired the next day.

    - I am an anorexic.

    - I lost my virginity to a prostitute, because I was going to commit suicide after I fucked her and I didnt want to die a virgin. The second time again I fucked a prostitute because I was going to kill myself.

    - The third time I had sex was with a guy I met online (im bi) and when he got on top of me I had a flashback of my rape and freaked the fuck out on him.

    - I have a neurologic disorder.

    - I have a brain disease.

    - I want someone to have sex with me to show me that I am wanted and loved, but I need to love myself before anyone will do that, but I cant love myself before someone does that so I am screwed.

    - I want to say I want to die, but...

  2. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Hi, you will sometimes feel up and down. It is normal. Job firings happen. I have been through many myself. Your sexual orientation will not change who you are as a person! You're still the same in most ways and it's natural to of course have conflicting emotions about it for some time. Keep talking to us, we are here to listen!!
  3. Amanda

    Amanda Well-Known Member

    You read that whole post and the only thing you address is me getting fired. I think thats the least of my worries. :blink:
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hey there Hun,

    I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I'm afraid I don't have an solutions to give you. I wish I somehow could fix everything, but I can't... What I can do is let you know that you aren't alone. From about 7-13 I was raped and physically and emotionally and verbally abused by my step father. I know how it scars you so, and effects your left and mental state. I also disagree with whoever told you rapes are normal .. it isn't normal to rape others. Maybe they meant sexual experimentation is but that wasn't that, that was rape and that isn't your fault, it isn't right and it isn't normal what was done to you. And about not feeling loved.. I'm sure one day you'll find a wonderful person that will love you that you can love back, just give it some time, you never know when things will turn around. I felt similar, unloved, like no-on would ever love me, and now I have a lovely boyfriend who's great. Give life a chance dear. I can also identify with PTSD and how it effects you with others, flashbacks are so horrible, they can effect so much in life.. :hug: And with the eating disorder, I can identify, when I was younger I was Anorexic for a couple years, until it went back and forth from starving and binging to mainly binging. By the way I'm not trying to turn this unto me, because this isn't about me, I'm just trying to explain I can identify with you and let you know I'm here to support you all the way, in anyway I can dear. Please try and hang in there and if you'd ever like to talk.... Please feel free to PM me on here or add me to MSN messenger. My MSN address is as following: . Take care and stay safe, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. :hug: :hug:
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