no one gives a shit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kombatx, Apr 23, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    I don't want to start being pathetic but that's how things are. I'm sick, having a cold. My old back injury had reminded of itself again, causing pain that should be shut down with painkillers. And no one gives a fuck.
    That's all ok, in itself, the cold will soon end, the pain too, spring colds rarely last long. Just today when I was making breakfast, I was thinking how I'm used to put myself back on the track every fucking time and if it's good to get used to live like that. How I live alone through all the shit that happens to me, without a grain of support or concern, ever from anyone. That there's no actual reason to continue going on like that.

    Easter passed, and my family didn't even call me to ask if I'm coming or not. Can't really blame them, the past couple of months I was a rare asshole and all that, but still. No one ever actually checks out on me, even relatives seem to give up. Like, again, last year when I was immobilized by my back pains, it took my dad around three or four days to call me and after hearing about my trouble, to visit and bring me food. Funny, it is - when you exist only when people need something from you, or when you work for them, or when THEY decide you exist. When you're right in front of their noses. Apart from that, I'm nonexistent.
    I've been in an drinking binge for a month - get out of it by myself. Coped with unemployment - all by myself. Anything I do, I do by myself. In void.
    Maybe that's my fault, I've always positioned myself as a person made of steel, with no emotions or weakness showing through, but does that make people act like you're a robot or something? It's not that I haven't friends or some social circle - I have them. But apart from formal everday interaction with them, things don't go further. Either I, despite my outer communicabilty, don't express any human warmth that makes people feel for other people, or it's just that I don't know and am not able to send signals that something is wrong with me.

    I exist for nothing. I have no reason or motivation or anything to continue on. When I served in the army, I had a motivation, now - not. In the army I had friends, but now they too, forgot about me or moved far away. What I'm left with is with a future I hold no interest in. I don't practically wish for long-term relationships and don't believe in "love". I don't wish for a family or a fortune, and it's probably sure that I passed that barrier when I could achieve something significant. I don't WANT anything, except maybe for someone's interest in me even on a little scale, but in the end, I know that it would be a passing relief.

    I haven't got out of my house for three days. Feel too sick to clean up, and the garbage and dirty dishes keep piling up, which frustrates me. But when I finally drag myself into the kitchen and pick up a dish to wash it, I kinda go "meh what for", return back in the room, sleep or sit in the internet. My art comissioner called me yesterday, and instead of saying that I'm sick and not do shit, I told him that I found a job, and that's why I don't do shit. Never lied that massively before, but the apathy is stronger.
    In reality of course I haven't found no real job. I just don't have an idea where to start. Of course I can go back to selling mobile phones for funny money, like 300-400$ a month, but noooo, the great old me doesn't want any shitty job for funny money, nope, that's where the useless pride kicks in.

    No job, no real family, no real friends, nothing. And no actual interest in obtaining it. I drink, yes. I drink daily no to think about all this, about my future and perspectives, which are NULL. I found it recently hard to go to the college, to keep promises and such, because everytime I start worrying, I drink. The question is, either one day I'll drink myself to death, or use the shotgun, which keeps calling on me.

    Yes, I tried to tell about my "problems" to a couple of people who I thought would listen. They laughed at me, told me to pull together and that while drinking is bad, it's no shit and that they don't believe a person like me can be depressed. I called a suicide hotline, and got the same old shit about how my life would get better and how I should go to a therapist.
    I'm a fucking therapist myself, hehehe. And that too, is a problem in itself. I already now what can be done and said in my situation.
    It's all helpful and true things. But I know what they are, and my attitude towards this, I just have no motivation to get myself from this pithole. There's no pressing urge to do that, neither for me or for another person. More so, the world would be a better place without me. The world doesn't need a 23-year old Nazi alcoholic with a journalist degree.

    so, there's the dilemma - the only thing that kind of holds me from blowing my brains out right now is the pride factor, that my body will rot for probably WEEKS in the apartment before someone notices my absence and breaks the door down. That no one would particularly care. That's a massive blow to the ego, and that's why I drink instead of killing myself immediately.
    though, I hope there's a time when this factor will stop holding me. I'm fucking tired.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Spring colds suck. Well, colds suck in general. But they seem to knock you down even more during the spring and summer. Hope it goes away soon.

    Anyway, just wanted you to know that I read your post, and I care. I'm around if you ever want to talk.
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I care too.

    I'd give a shit, but the weekends coming up, and I only have 2 left!

    that's a joke, btw! :biggrin:
  4. thoughtspeak

    thoughtspeak New Member

    Hi kombax. I think that you don't seem sucidal at all but rather just need a fresh direction in life. You seem to care alot about your family and their opinions towards you, and i can see it must be upsetting for them to have not called you over for easter.

    But lets rewind a second. You said youve' been a bit of a arsehole, unemployed etc and you put a brave face on things. I think as a former solider, you probably seem a bit intimidating when challenged and maybe you family would rather not rock the boat with you. It's not a fact that they asre scared they just want you to do your own thing and get in contact with them when you are ready. communcation is a two way message, and If someone is unsure their message is not going to be recieved they stop bothering to send it.

    You contradictic yourself by saying your day comes and brings you food. Sorry but If your father, or anyone else is willl to come out their way to bring you anything, even a cup of wate, they must care somewhat. They missed one easter but im sure you have spent many a eater with then happy, joking and sharing. Take a moment to remember the good times before you throw out a statement like that.

    As for cleaning your place. Your human, and currently have a drinking problem. Im not saying its ok to keep your house like a total shithole but it isn't going to kill you or anyone else. Try and find things to make you feel happy. Even if its writing detailled descriptons of everybodys murder. Go out in a area you have been to. Talk to people you normally wouldn't and focus on not on the world you know, but the whole wide world.

    As for finding a resone to live, why do you need one? I dog runs, shits and barks all you think there is a higher purpose to it all. it just is. the purpose to life is to live. wait to you are dead to find a reason for it all have all the time in the world then.
  5. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    Yeah. I know. I never seem suicidal because I'm not very emotional even as it seems, in writing. People expect someone who thinks about killing himself to be very sad, angered, confused, crying, and expressing a great variety of outer disstress. And I'm not like that at all, so that's basically what everyone told me, including on the hotline. "What, you want to kill yourself? YOU? Bah man, stop bullshitting, look at yourself, you're dandy fine, you're a rock, cut the crap." Can't say it really helped the cause, heh. And what I had to do, demonstratively self-harm if I don't want to do it, or burst into tears, when I haven cried for a decade or smthg? I just shrug and continue planning. Well, another drawback of being reserved. I used to care for my family, yeah, but I figure I'm more of a burden to them, so why bother.

    I said that happened a YEAR ago, even more. And it still was more an act of duty than real desire.
    What I tried to say, is that I'm isolated on this level even by my family. I can't turn for them neither for help nor for advice, and that's the point. The memories are memories, their not the actual "here and now".
    What I'm trying to say, is that EVEN my relatives, NOW, don't actually care how I'm doing, if I'm alright or sorry for the picture, sleep in my own vomit. And not because I did something awful to them either. Just more out of mere diversification - I live my own life, they live theirs, parallel lines do not cross.

    You are right, it has to do with the fact that I served in the army and went to war (even though it wasn't a real war, more like local conflict clean-up), but what, scared to this point? Don't think so. They probably just don't like how I changed and didn't get accustomed to it.

    To feel happy one has to be motivated. I'm not. I don't feel happy and I think I don't really know what it means, to feel happy. At least not in the last three years. Killing everybody on sight? Well that could work, but then there still would be a one last bullet waiting in the end of such a feat.
    I've seen pretty much of the world, and it generally didn't impress me.

    well what's the point in living without a reason? I've always despised people who just carried on with their lives, not contributing anything to anyone, selfish, shallow little people living like animals... and if I degraded to an almost such a level, I should rather end myself than be like that.

    I did arts after my service, but my art apparently didn't bring anything nice to anyone either, and I've lost the drive for it, once recognizing that if it's going to be buried in my table it's the same as it being buried in my head and there's no real reason to actually do it in physical form, so yeah... As a journalist, I've got disappointed in the profession too. I know how to write, draw and kill, overall. All of these actions are completely pointless and unappliable in the future I can see, so yeah... if I'm dead I can at least stop worrying over wasted time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 24, 2009
  6. thoughtspeak

    thoughtspeak New Member

    ok Kombax heres my responce

  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe it would be helpful to stop defining what you feel and who you are and feel what you is much scarier, but one of the only roads that truly lead out of Rome...also, you say you are a therapist; sounds like you are burned out and ready for a there any area of study that would be more exciting...and lastly, you said you were in the Army...any influence of PTSD? just wondering...all the best, J
  8. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    I said that I'm a therapist in a sarcastic manner . I'm not a professional one though I've studied psychology, but I've studied it to the point when a PROFESSIONAL would tell me pretty much all the same and consider a course of behaviour and treatment which I would myself. IE, nothing new.
    As for being burned out, that's true. However, at the point I only want to get rid of myself, because I've felt this shitty pretty much all my life, and CHANGE if helped, then only for a few years. I know that if now, once again, I'll somehow get through this crysis, in a few months or a year, I'll still be at this same point again. So why bother? If before I had these crysises like once in a year, than in half a year, then in a couple of months, then once in a month, and the last time I was pretty close to finishing it was two weeks ago. It's getting more often, that's all, and change... it doesn't solve anything.
    As for stopping thinking, yes, I do that, only I need vodka for it to work, unfortunately.

    No, I don't think I have PTSD.
  9. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    Why do you want people to "give a fuck"? Are you mistaking their kindness for evasiveness?

    I have a grandmother who is suffering from macular degeneration (basically going blind). I'm helpless to help her, any answer i give her is not enough, and she generally is very pessimistic about the whole situation. I cant blame her. I love her and care about her a lot BUT when does seeking comfort turn into wanting everyone else to feel the misery you feel? I will gladly help her with anything she asks, but when she becomes so negative about the situation i refuse to feel responsible for something i can not control. I refuse to feel sad because her happiness is not my responsibility. I've come to the realization i cant make her happy, only she can.

    So maybe you're approaching people in a way that makes them feel responsible and guilty and therefore drives them further away? Plenty of people can relate to you and give you advice on how to deal with physical illness, and be comforting. But is that really what you want?

    Everyone is alone on some level with their day to day month to month experiences. But there is always someone that can relate even if a little bit.

    Most people on some level are users/deceitful/manipulative. Its just simply in our nature.

    I think with most relationships theres a mirror effect going on. If you borrow 200 dollars from a friend, and pay it back, more than likely you'll do the same when they are financially crunched, and more than likely they'll pay you back as well. I find this true with most things, even humor. You tell a joke that makes your friend laugh, they do something that makes you feel good.

    When your mirrors are not aligned and things are not reciprocated i find the biggest issue to be communication. If after communicating your feelings things dont improve than the relationship is not worth your time. If you want people to love you unconditionally (which in my opinion people are not capable of at this level) than why do you complain when they dont meet that standard? Should YOU not be held to a level of unconditional love as well and as a result not be offended if they dont return favors?

    Again.. communication is your friend. If youre this upset about a relationship/friendship and it means enough to you, you need to find a way to express that, even if it means being incredibly blunt. People respond better to openness than closed....ness.

    Lack of motivation can be a downward spiral. Its true. You exist for nothing. Why do i say that? You just told me. Were you to tell me things you are passionate about (FIND SOMETHING!! it really is easy!) be it drawing, playing video games, serving lunch at a homeless shelter, friends, animals, work, whatever, then i might be able to see that as something to relate to and you would be more approachable. It truly is all about changing your attitude, even if you yourself dont quite fully believe what youre saying.

    Its hard to have any sort of relationship if youre not looking for something long term. People like to have sturdy foundations when it comes to relationships, and if you want someone to be interested in you then a long-term/semi long term relationship usually sits shotgun. If you just want a little interest/someone to talk to then i guess one night stands or even hookers can provide that. Even if you dont have sex. (just throwing stuff out there).

    This is probably one of the biggest factors for your current outlook/attitude. Honestly. Heres what i recommend.

    -You may feel shitty i know how that is. I hate being sick on a level i dont think anyone can match (of course im probably wrong :p ) CLEAN UP! Do as much as you possibly can muster. A clean bedroom, a clean house, a clean kitchen will reflect back on your attitude and make being inside all that much more bearable. Believe me...if it frustrates you than obviously its not doing any good. A warm shower might even help (releases endorphines)

    -Go outside. No you dont have to talk to anyone. Throw on some headphones, throw on a hat, and take a slow walk or just sit somewhere quiet. Quit thinking about tomorrow and think about getting better today.

    -Be honest about being sick. Someone might even show some compassion even if its just saying "Hey i hope you feel better".

    As far as employment...sometimes you just have to stuff the pride away for something else. If you want the house/apartment your in, and the toys/gadgets/life necessities that money buys than you have to go out and get a job. If you dont want to settle for a job you know you can get easy, than do something youre passionate about. If youre not going to go out and find a job, than its pretty pointless to complain about not having a job right?

    Well obviously the heavy alcohol intake is just adding weight to your shoulders, hopelessness to the situation, not to mention its incredibly unhealthy. You cant by any means expect anyone to feel bad for your choice of self medication though because youre not doing anything to remedy the situation. You can find something healthy that youre passionate about, that might actually give you a boost out of this rut youre in. A job you enjoy and are passionate about would solve more than 1 problem.

    Why do you want people to know your depressed? For comfort/advice? Maybe your approaching people wrong about the situation or maybe they just plain dont know what to say. Not everyone can be a therapist or even offer any advice.

    You said it yourself. You have no motivation to change the situation youre in. You cant expect people to care for you or change it for you...that may suck but its the truth. If its a pity party youre looking for most people will be quick to turn away from the very thought. If its help your i really need to tell you youre not approaching the situation/people/life in a way that is cohesive to a road to recovery...if youre a therapist (or know the procedures) you should know this.

    If you planted a seed and watered it perfectly and gave ti plenty of sunshine and it didnt grow...and this continued for weeks, months...years. Would you really continue to try and make that seed grow?

    Maybe thats a bad analogy because obviously the seed is not able to sprout. But its the only one i can come up with. My point here is if you're not willing to help yourself, you can not expect anyone to meet you halfway and try and help you. Its just not going to happen becuase its true. You cant help those that dont want help. If a homeless man is offered a home free of charge and a job hes qualified in and he turns it down...theres nothing you can do. If thats what he chooses regardless of whether or not hes happy with that choice then thats that....

    I think, though, that you do have motivation to change things. Otherwise why would you make this thread? You're seeking some kind of advice and i hope youve found some tool in the shed that is to help you pave the way to a happier existence because its your existence and only you can dig the path.
  10. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    Exactly the opposite. I think I've approached people in a way that made them think I don't even bleed when cut, so when I finally stepped over myself and opened up a bit, it's not that it made someone feel guilty or responsible, it made people just not believe me, that's all.

    How about years?

    One thing is not to return a favor, and another is to treat you with a, say, knife in the back for said favor, hm, is it not?

    Passions die like everything else. I am, what you can say, as a versatile person, on the outside. I do art, I write, I collect weaponry, practice shooting, read a fucking lot, listen to music, etc. But did that ever take away the constant feeling of frustration and dysphoria? Nope. It's like trying to extinguish a bonefire with a cup of water.
    Did I feel any happier when I did all these things instead of total lack of activity as of now? No. I just did it to take my mind off the dysphoria, but they never took it away. Change or no change, the frustration is there.

    tried that, still the same shit. Most people, especially hookers, aren't that kind of intellectual to provide that in copious amounts.

    yeah... will reply further sometime later.
  11. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    Do they tell you they dont believe you? Or are you just assuming that? Again not everyone knows how to handle situations or knows what to say especially when caught off guard. If youve put on the persona of a tough guy who isnt fazed by any shit life brings and you want help than i think its time to start softening up.

    Dont argue semantics. That pisses me the fuck off. Im here trying to help you out and you cant even acknowledge that. Its obvious to me now youre crying for some attention. you wont get it from me. bye

  12. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    well, in any case, thanks for proving the thesis I presented in my post.
  13. MeAndYou

    MeAndYou Well-Known Member

    What...that no one "gives a shit"? Did you read any of the comments? I think people stated all on their own that they care.

    You see what you want to see. Instead of being thankful and appreciating the comments and trying to better yourself you basically back hand every single person who was attempting to give you some form of comfort and help (but i wont even play the guilt card on you..dont worry..we're ok).

    I'll go back to my mirror analogy. From what i see in this thread everyones mirror is pointed directly at you but yours is pointed down. I think what youre seeing is not that everyone else doesnt give a shit in the world..but instead the reflection of you...not giving a shit. And theres nothing anyone can do to help you out with that except yourself.
  14. kombatx

    kombatx Active Member

    i've been thankful, as far as I can be in my not-giving-a-shit state.

    Yes, I'll help myself allright. Thanks for the input, it was truely invigorating.
  15. ChillCash

    ChillCash Active Member

    Why should people give a shit about your problems if you yourself don't give a shit?

    YOU are going to have to change or your situation will stay the same.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.