I don't want to start being pathetic but that's how things are. I'm sick, having a cold. My old back injury had reminded of itself again, causing pain that should be shut down with painkillers. And no one gives a fuck. That's all ok, in itself, the cold will soon end, the pain too, spring colds rarely last long. Just today when I was making breakfast, I was thinking how I'm used to put myself back on the track every fucking time and if it's good to get used to live like that. How I live alone through all the shit that happens to me, without a grain of support or concern, ever from anyone. That there's no actual reason to continue going on like that. Easter passed, and my family didn't even call me to ask if I'm coming or not. Can't really blame them, the past couple of months I was a rare asshole and all that, but still. No one ever actually checks out on me, even relatives seem to give up. Like, again, last year when I was immobilized by my back pains, it took my dad around three or four days to call me and after hearing about my trouble, to visit and bring me food. Funny, it is - when you exist only when people need something from you, or when you work for them, or when THEY decide you exist. When you're right in front of their noses. Apart from that, I'm nonexistent. I've been in an drinking binge for a month - get out of it by myself. Coped with unemployment - all by myself. Anything I do, I do by myself. In void. Maybe that's my fault, I've always positioned myself as a person made of steel, with no emotions or weakness showing through, but does that make people act like you're a robot or something? It's not that I haven't friends or some social circle - I have them. But apart from formal everday interaction with them, things don't go further. Either I, despite my outer communicabilty, don't express any human warmth that makes people feel for other people, or it's just that I don't know and am not able to send signals that something is wrong with me. I exist for nothing. I have no reason or motivation or anything to continue on. When I served in the army, I had a motivation, now - not. In the army I had friends, but now they too, forgot about me or moved far away. What I'm left with is with a future I hold no interest in. I don't practically wish for long-term relationships and don't believe in "love". I don't wish for a family or a fortune, and it's probably sure that I passed that barrier when I could achieve something significant. I don't WANT anything, except maybe for someone's interest in me even on a little scale, but in the end, I know that it would be a passing relief. I haven't got out of my house for three days. Feel too sick to clean up, and the garbage and dirty dishes keep piling up, which frustrates me. But when I finally drag myself into the kitchen and pick up a dish to wash it, I kinda go "meh what for", return back in the room, sleep or sit in the internet. My art comissioner called me yesterday, and instead of saying that I'm sick and not do shit, I told him that I found a job, and that's why I don't do shit. Never lied that massively before, but the apathy is stronger. In reality of course I haven't found no real job. I just don't have an idea where to start. Of course I can go back to selling mobile phones for funny money, like 300-400$ a month, but noooo, the great old me doesn't want any shitty job for funny money, nope, that's where the useless pride kicks in. No job, no real family, no real friends, nothing. And no actual interest in obtaining it. I drink, yes. I drink daily no to think about all this, about my future and perspectives, which are NULL. I found it recently hard to go to the college, to keep promises and such, because everytime I start worrying, I drink. The question is, either one day I'll drink myself to death, or use the shotgun, which keeps calling on me. Yes, I tried to tell about my "problems" to a couple of people who I thought would listen. They laughed at me, told me to pull together and that while drinking is bad, it's no shit and that they don't believe a person like me can be depressed. I called a suicide hotline, and got the same old shit about how my life would get better and how I should go to a therapist. I'm a fucking therapist myself, hehehe. And that too, is a problem in itself. I already now what can be done and said in my situation. It's all helpful and true things. But I know what they are, and my attitude towards this, I just have no motivation to get myself from this pithole. There's no pressing urge to do that, neither for me or for another person. More so, the world would be a better place without me. The world doesn't need a 23-year old Nazi alcoholic with a journalist degree. so, there's the dilemma - the only thing that kind of holds me from blowing my brains out right now is the pride factor, that my body will rot for probably WEEKS in the apartment before someone notices my absence and breaks the door down. That no one would particularly care. That's a massive blow to the ego, and that's why I drink instead of killing myself immediately. though, I hope there's a time when this factor will stop holding me. I'm fucking tired.