no one knows

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by MoAnamCara, Mar 24, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    how good it felt and how bad it felt

    how it has haunted me since

    how i blame myself

    how i want to scratch the images from my mind

    how i then experienced it all again

    how he made me feel

    how his words still echo in my mind

    how he hurt me and didn't care

    how i wish it would all go away, the thoughts, the images, the tears, the feelings, the anger, the self doubt, the ever existing fear and the knowledge that I let it happen.
     
  2. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Hey Hun, try not to put that blame on yourself. Granted i don't know the details, i'm not sure if you are referring to a rape or abuse situation, but you cannot place the blame on yourself. A bit of self-compassion. you deserve gentle compassion

    **very gentle hug** if you need/want it, and many more if you need

    I don't know how long ago this happened, but it often helps to connect with others who have experienced something similar. Honestly, it can really help especially in a small therapeutic group situation...even one on one can help.

    Finding ways to empower one's self, protect one's self
    Writing, drawing, ways of expressing the emotions without guilt
    Feeling anger. Appropriate anger even rage
    Talking about the feelings of guilt/shame with someone who can help you process the reality of it; shame and guilt do not belong to you.

    yeah, the images (especially if any ptsd involved), can retraumatize one over and over again. Would be good if you had a friend/therapist to be there during those times, or someone to call on the telephone or msn/etc. Honestly, over time the images, while they don't go away completely, they do tend to ease and become less powerful and carry less of an emotional impact but, it's important, when the images hit, to express your feelings in a safe way. Those feelings need to come out. It can help when someone else understands.

    I think it's important to get all the feelings out. Feelings connected to the images, the memories. Talk about whatever guilt or shame you feel...Shame and guilt are not yours, and perhaps by talking to others, you'll find a way to see this. you shouldn't feel like you have to hide anything.

    Fear. Are you still afraid of this person, or of something similar happening again? Have you taken steps to help yourself feel empowered?

    Sorry i'm not articulating well tonight. Words are failing me.

    **gentle hug**
    I understand much of what you are expressing.
    You are not alone and it is okay to talk.

    I am so sorry this happened to you.
    I understand the haunting.
     
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I agree it is not your fault. I pray that you are able to forgive the situation and are able to heal from it one day. Blessings..
     
  4. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Kali

    thank you, your post brought more tears to my eyes. its a bad, bad night.

    i cant respond anymore at this time, thank you for reaching out and for understanding what i was trying to express.
     
  5. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I understand.

    **gentle hug**

    try not to exhaust yourself hun. It's easy for these feelings/images etc to exhaust us and drain our physical and emotional energy resources.

    It's okay. You don't need to respond. I just want you to know you are not alone.
     
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thank you
     
  7. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Im sorry you have to feel this

    :hugtackles:
     
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    How can a child know?

    What is right or what is wrong?

    If it makes that little one feel wanted and special, how can it be wrong?

    Yet now I know it was wrong, so all is therefore being questioned.

    Did it lead to my future being inevitable?

    Is that what I didn’t see when I married? Or is it subconsciously what I saw and wanted?

    To feel wanted and special again?

    To let him have his way, to seemingly ignore the words, the threats and the actions?

    To pretend the physical and emotional pain wasn’t really there, what a mask I made.

    To have one’s life as if a stage and me as if an actor.

    But the words, the threats and the actions were not ignored, just absorbed.

    How do we heal?

    How can we trust a stranger with our darkest secrets and thoughts?

    How do we avoid reliving the thoughts and memories all the time?

    How can we go on knowing we were a part of it, I should have known better, I should have stopped it all.
     
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Tonight if I could, I would run away.

    I would turn back time,

    Start over.

    Make different choices,

    Trust different people, or not try to trust at all.

    Be smarter,

    More vigilent, less accepting.

    I would try to be stronger.

    I would try to stand up for myself.

    I wouldn't accept it was done out of love.

    Any of it.

    I wonder sometimes if they know what they did,

    Do they realize the pain that was caused?

    Or this confusion that has resonated all my life since?

    Do they even remember?

    What would happen if I faced them head on?

    Who would I hurt doing that? Too many.

    Am I strong enough? Not at this time.

    Will I ever be? Thats unanswerable.

    We are a product of our existance, our experiences, our life.

    If I only knew this years ago, it would perhaps have spared me so much.

    The anger that seeps out at times is not pleasant.

    Who gave them the right?

    But then I realize, I was there, I acquiesced.

    So who really is to blame afterall? Just me.
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    NO NO NO the child is never to blame never YOU are not at fault okay never Please just know that NOTHing was you fault nothing
     
  11. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ABSOLUTELY NOT!

    NO! :no:

    You are in no way to blame. Not in any way. NONE. NO Blame. NONE. It is not yours. Sorry for the caps, but i feel very strongly about this. **gentle hug**

    I understand how it feels that way. I do. I understand how you might try to justify that in your head. It's important for you to understand, You are NOT to blame, in any way.

    Honest. The blame is NOT yours.

    I'm not sure what happened, or when. I can tell you, that at times a child may want, or even seek to meet their needs, in ways which may be inappropriate, even if it's something that is harmful to the child. Sometimes children's bodies will also respond in ways...gawd how do i say this. They may respond to something harmful and wrong....you know what i am trying to say(?)...Yet still; The child is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER to be blamed. No matter what age...from the very young to even a teenager or young adult. Gosh, I am not sure how to type this.

    IF the child feels wanted, special, cared for, or loved, by accepting or seeking out things which are harmful to the child, the child is NOT to blame. It is the adults for failing the child. ALWAYS! No exceptions here, and i can reason this out with you if you need help to understand it. It is Always, the responsibility of the adult, to set the boundaries. Always. Even if a child were to walk up to someone, and totally ugh, how do i say this, initiate (?) some type of encounter, it is still up to the adult, to set and maintain clear boundaries. The child is NEVER to blame. If a child even does this, there is clearly something going on within the child's world, to cause them to do this...and it is a failure on the part of the adults, not the child.

    As a poor example, a fifteen year old girl, aggressively/persuasively attempting to initiate a sexual encounter with an adult male of say 50; it is the adult's responsibility, to set in place and maintain proper boundaries. It is for the adult, to set and maintain those limits and boundaries. The girl is a mere child...don't care how you look at it. To a 50 year old man, a 15 year old girl, is a mere child (i may get a ton of arguments from both age groups about this). The adult may have a physical reaction (and the physical reaction is okay as long as it is not acted upon-these things just happen sometimes), but it is up to the adult, to put a stop to it. The adult must make the choice to maintain proper boundaries. I could say more, but i just don't want to go there, because i am kind of walking on eggshells here, as i do not want to bring anything up that might cause pain. I'm kind of walking in the dark a bit.

    Yes, what happened then, very well could have set you up for a situation later in life. This could very easily happen. NOT YOUR FAULT. ***gentle hug***

    To avoid re-living the thoughts and memories, to avoid re-traumatizing, to heal from any ptsd issues, to ease the images/etc; One first, must look at them for what they are. One must feel the feelings. Help processing these things is good. It's quite difficult to do on one's own. One may have never learned what is appropriate, or how to protect themselves...this is why they need help from others now.

    Feeling appropriate anger. Realizing it is not one's fault. Learning to protect one's self. These are the beginning steps, to easing these things. Avoidance, sadly it doesn't work that way. It may for a bit but it just does not work that way. With avoidance, things come back to haunt one. Yeah, and this is where a bit of trust may come in. At some point, it helps to begin to trust someone. Someone safe. Someone who is not going to hurt or traumatize you, someone who is not going to allow the images/thoughts/or the processing, to re-traumatize you. Someone who can keep you safe until you learn to keep yourself safe. Someone who can help you understand and appropriately process the feelings.

    Could you have stopped it? Were you an adult with the proper tools to stop it, or was the child inside being re-traumatized and without a way to protect themselves? Were you a child? Either way, it would have been difficult or impossible to stop it.

    Were you really part of it? Were you a child? Were you an adult with a very hurt child inside?

    Some of these things you can begin to do now. For instance standing up for one's self, being careful who you trust, learning to trust, being able to say No, taking control of what happens from here on out...protecting yourself (and that hurt child).

    Do they remember? Do they know the pain they caused? Usually not. Some people find it helpful to write a letter to them. Some send the letter, some never do. Some do confront the people head on. Some are disappointed after confronting them. Either way, it's really important to get the anger out, to let them know, even in a letter that is never sent, just what it did to you; the pain, the hurt, the confusion.

    I'm really glad you are beginning to find a voice. It may not seem like it, but it's a start. It is a big hurdle. It's a start to expressing some of those feelings. Perhaps this is the best way for you...to say a few words, kind of test the water for safety, to see if it's safe to say those few things. As you do this, oftentimes it can become easier and you may find yourself able to share more of your feelings, thoughts, experiences.

    I just so much don't want you to be alone when the images or feelings hit hard. It's not a good time to be alone.

    **very gentle hugs for you** My heart is with you.

    I'm sorry about the way i may be expressing myself. I may be coming across too strongly perhaps, and i hope you can see through the strong words, to what my heart is trying to say? I'm not doing too well myself, but I feel very strongly about these things, and very much do not want you to feel alone or be alone with these things. I also so much want for you to feel, believe, and know inside yourself, that it is NOT your fault. No blame. No shame. Those things are not yours. It's time to heal, and i know it is not easy...it's not, but you deserve healing, gentleness, kindness, and compassion.

    I hope you'll keep sharing. You articulate and express very well.

    I am so very sorry this happened to you. It should never have happened to you. I'm fiercely angry, with those who hurt you.
     
  12. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Total Eclipse, thank you.

    Kali, :cry: words are failing me, but thank you so much for your response.

    I hope you are doing okay, please look after yourself. :arms:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2011
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