ABSOLUTELY NOT!
NO! :no:
You are in no way to blame. Not in any way. NONE. NO Blame. NONE. It is not yours. Sorry for the caps, but i feel very strongly about this. **gentle hug**
I understand how it feels that way. I do. I understand how you might try to justify that in your head. It's important for you to understand, You are NOT to blame, in any way.
Honest. The blame is NOT yours.
I'm not sure what happened, or when. I can tell you, that at times a child may want, or even seek to meet their needs, in ways which may be inappropriate, even if it's something that is harmful to the child. Sometimes children's bodies will also respond in ways...gawd how do i say this. They may respond to something harmful and wrong....you know what i am trying to say(?)...Yet still; The child is NEVER, NEVER, NEVER to be blamed. No matter what age...from the very young to even a teenager or young adult. Gosh, I am not sure how to type this.
IF the child feels wanted, special, cared for, or loved, by accepting or seeking out things which are harmful to the child, the child is NOT to blame. It is the adults for failing the child. ALWAYS! No exceptions here, and i can reason this out with you if you need help to understand it. It is Always, the responsibility of the adult, to set the boundaries. Always. Even if a child were to walk up to someone, and totally ugh, how do i say this, initiate (?) some type of encounter, it is still up to the adult, to set and maintain clear boundaries. The child is NEVER to blame. If a child even does this, there is clearly something going on within the child's world, to cause them to do this...and it is a failure on the part of the adults, not the child.
As a poor example, a fifteen year old girl, aggressively/persuasively attempting to initiate a sexual encounter with an adult male of say 50; it is the adult's responsibility, to set in place and maintain proper boundaries. It is for the adult, to set and maintain those limits and boundaries. The girl is a mere child...don't care how you look at it. To a 50 year old man, a 15 year old girl, is a mere child (i may get a ton of arguments from both age groups about this). The adult may have a physical reaction (and the physical reaction is okay as long as it is not acted upon-these things just happen sometimes), but it is up to the adult, to put a stop to it. The adult must make the choice to maintain proper boundaries. I could say more, but i just don't want to go there, because i am kind of walking on eggshells here, as i do not want to bring anything up that might cause pain. I'm kind of walking in the dark a bit.
Yes, what happened then, very well could have set you up for a situation later in life. This could very easily happen. NOT YOUR FAULT. ***gentle hug***
To avoid re-living the thoughts and memories, to avoid re-traumatizing, to heal from any ptsd issues, to ease the images/etc; One first, must look at them for what they are. One must feel the feelings. Help processing these things is good. It's quite difficult to do on one's own. One may have never learned what is appropriate, or how to protect themselves...this is why they need help from others now.
Feeling appropriate anger. Realizing it is not one's fault. Learning to protect one's self. These are the beginning steps, to easing these things. Avoidance, sadly it doesn't work that way. It may for a bit but it just does not work that way. With avoidance, things come back to haunt one. Yeah, and this is where a bit of trust may come in. At some point, it helps to begin to trust someone. Someone safe. Someone who is not going to hurt or traumatize you, someone who is not going to allow the images/thoughts/or the processing, to re-traumatize you. Someone who can keep you safe until you learn to keep yourself safe. Someone who can help you understand and appropriately process the feelings.
Could you have stopped it? Were you an adult with the proper tools to stop it, or was the child inside being re-traumatized and without a way to protect themselves? Were you a child? Either way, it would have been difficult or impossible to stop it.
Were you really part of it? Were you a child? Were you an adult with a very hurt child inside?
Some of these things you can begin to do now. For instance standing up for one's self, being careful who you trust, learning to trust, being able to say No, taking control of what happens from here on out...protecting yourself (and that hurt child).
Do they remember? Do they know the pain they caused? Usually not. Some people find it helpful to write a letter to them. Some send the letter, some never do. Some do confront the people head on. Some are disappointed after confronting them. Either way, it's really important to get the anger out, to let them know, even in a letter that is never sent, just what it did to you; the pain, the hurt, the confusion.
I'm really glad you are beginning to find a voice. It may not seem like it, but it's a start. It is a big hurdle. It's a start to expressing some of those feelings. Perhaps this is the best way for you...to say a few words, kind of test the water for safety, to see if it's safe to say those few things. As you do this, oftentimes it can become easier and you may find yourself able to share more of your feelings, thoughts, experiences.
I just so much don't want you to be alone when the images or feelings hit hard. It's not a good time to be alone.
**very gentle hugs for you** My heart is with you.
I'm sorry about the way i may be expressing myself. I may be coming across too strongly perhaps, and i hope you can see through the strong words, to what my heart is trying to say? I'm not doing too well myself, but I feel very strongly about these things, and very much do not want you to feel alone or be alone with these things. I also so much want for you to feel, believe, and know inside yourself, that it is NOT your fault. No blame. No shame. Those things are not yours. It's time to heal, and i know it is not easy...it's not, but you deserve healing, gentleness, kindness, and compassion.
I hope you'll keep sharing. You articulate and express very well.
I am so very sorry this happened to you. It should never have happened to you. I'm fiercely angry, with those who hurt you.