no one, nobody, nothing

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Cortez, Jan 11, 2011.

  1. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I sit and think of nothing and do nothing. On my days off from work I just sit here in my room staring at this screen with no one to talk to and nothing really on my mind. I think I have very little brain activity most of the time. I am the epitome of stupid. At work I just stand there and stare, at nothing in particular, just stare, in silence. When I drive, I drive in silence, no music, no phone calls; I just sit there in silence, no words, just quiet thoughts. Nights are the loneliest and days are degrading. I am not even sure what worth as a human I have right now, as I am lower than shit. I don’t understand people, I don’t understand men, I don’t understand women, I don’t understand what’s on the surface, I don’t understand the exaggerations, I don’t understand the fakeness. What I do understand is I am disliked and never thought of.

    At work and school I haven’t made one friend even though I pathetically attempted to. No one wants to be my friend, I guess they know I am a weird loser. And no girl in her right mind would touch me with a ten foot pole. I am ugly both inside and out, I am as ugly as they come. All I know and feel is hate and anger. All I feel is contempt. I no longer feel sad, I haven’t felt sad in ages. I just feel rage and pain, I can’t be around people for too long, or I start to feel intense feelings.

    I don’t understand what the point of life is, everyone seems to be saying the same thing, and it’s quite boring. No one knows me, no one speaks to me, I feel like a “thing” that is shunned by beautiful human beings. I am angry, at people, at the world, for not accepting me, for not wanting me, I don’t want to be part of the world anymore, but I don’t know what I would do here, make everyone’s life miserable? Just because I am a piece of shit I want others to feel bad as well? Because honestly I am far far gone, I am lonely, but it’s a different kind of lonely, it’s the loneliness when you are in a bad and wrong place where people rarely go to, the bottom of everything, where the lowest go.
     
  2. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    You should spend more of your time thinking about the positive. There are a lot of haters in this world, but you know what? FORGET THEM. Worry about yourself, work on your "rage" issue.

    What is the point of life? I sometimes ask that question. But the one answer that'd I'd tell would be the point of life is to enjoy it. But in order to enjoy it, you'd have to stop being so negative... Ever thought of changing yourself? Get a haircut? Dress differently? Practice conversations? (I sometimes write and practice a sentence in my head so it doesnt come out gibberish orally). Try not to lash out on people, its not healthy. Sometimes, you'd just have to conform a little bit to society to be liked.. It sucks, its not fair, but its how the majority of the world works... I used to be a goth, anti-social, loner, weird guy who kept to himself, the kind of guy everybody was probably suspicious of. But I changed myself... I no longer wear all black, no longer have extremely long hair, no longer as quiet... now talk a l ittle more, dress a little more casual, listen to more rock music instead of doom metal... Though I still sometimes listen to doom/funeral metal, and feel like an emo s.o.b... I no longer feel as dead as I did before, because I'm always wanting to get better... thinking about the positives and setting goals for myself helped me tremendously..

    There are a lot of assholes in the world, but there are a few good people too. But before you can find these awesome new friends, you need to be a little calmer, have a little more reflection, think positively.

    Do you live with your family? What are they like?
     
  3. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member


    I live with my mother, it's alright.

    I don't want to be fake just for other people, I don't have the energy to do so. I don't have the energy to do anything, I'm like a robot I just do things without really thinking. I hate people so much. I am jealous of everyone, for begin able to be fake, for being able to fake happiness, for having friends, for being cared for and thought of.
     
  4. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I am too fucked up to be helped or liked.
     
  5. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    The way I see it is, there are different paths you can take. If you keep on the path you are now, you will never get 'better'. So, I got pretty fed up thinking negative shit all the time, I had to change my outlook on life. I still hate it very much, but its much more bearable. I don't bitch as much as I use to, I don't get into arguments with my family as I use to. I reconnected with my AWESOME friends whom I abandoned for years at a time. Year or two ago, I reconnected with my old friends and have been with them since. If I had continued to wallow in misery and being depressed nihilistic asshole, I would have only gotten worse, maybe even done things I'd wish I never have.

    Now, putting aside all that shit about hating people, there has got to be something that drives you.. What do you want to be when you grow up? What is your passion? Mine is video gaming.

     
  6. ansdr

    ansdr Well-Known Member

    Hey Cortez, if you have a job you should get some money and buy yourself something you like every now and then. Maybe you think you have to see yourself as a weird loser. Which I don't think there is any such thing. I know I thought like that when I was in school. But I just thought that because I thought that's what everyone wanted me to think. And people aren't as happy as you think. Read about movie stars, who are suppose to have it all. Many stars are and have been depressed. On facebook, every other minute, someone is complaining about something in their status updates.

    I think the point of life is to try to enjoy it for you, not for someone else. Dress how you want to, you have a source of money to buy yourself stuff. Spend some time liking who you are and thinking about what you want to do with your life. I understand alot about people. And in school and even now, alot of them want the approval of others more then anything. That's why some people want to be rich, so they can get the best car, and eat at the best resturaunt. So everyone will approve of them because they think something is wrong with them if they don't. But if you approve of yourself you'll find out you don't have to do all of that. Besides you have a job, your way ahead of me. :)
     
  7. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I hate myself to a degree unimaginable, I hate myself just as much as I hate others.

    I'm feeling in a destructive mood right now, but not self destructive but destructive towards others because I am so angry. But that's makes me a monster right? Self destruction is tolerable but trying to destroy others is absolutely forbidden right? double standard much?

    my anger is weird in that it's mostly at others not at myself, I feel no anger towards myself just hate, A LOT OF SELF HATE. They say depression is anger turned inwards, then what is anger turned outwards?....psychopathy? being a monster? or is it people having the balls to turn their anger towards what actually makes them angry. I am a piece of shit right? because I turn my anger outwards. I am a monster right?
     
  8. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    fuck the world...