I've suffered from depression, on and off, for a few years. But since Christmas it has been constant. I lost my job because of it: my boss kept calling and texting but I didn't care enough to reply, so they fired me. I tried to cut my wrists in January, two days after first seeing the doctor when I was put on 15mg of Mirtrazapine. He referred me to the local mental health team, who called and said "Oh well, it's out of your system, you'll be fine for a while, we'll look into your case." Weeks went by, with no contact, so I went back to my doctor, who told me he didn't want to treat me anymore (I had started seeing him instead of my childhood doctor because he was better about mental illness, or so I thought) and admonished me for not being at work, wouldn't listen to me when I said the meds weren't right for me. I've was referred to the psychiatrist at the hospital at the end of January. It is now March 22nd, and I still haven't had an appointment. I called at the start of this month and they told me that my appointment would be on the 29th, but if I didn't receive a letter by the middle of March, then my appointment would be pushed back (something about the psych having to go to court). So there's been no letter, no appointment. I haven't called to find when it has been rescheduled for, because I'm afraid of the answer. I have been thinking of suicide constantly. Out of the last ten days, I've had maybe three where I haven't cried or cut or both. I know everyone says that you will hurt the ones you love, but I'm incapable of feeling love right now, so I'm not worried about the hurt I would cause. And what's the point in living in pain just to spare someone's feelings? I have no one in real life to talk to. My parents know I am dealing with depression and have been supportive to a point, but we don't have the right kind of relationship when it comes to talking about how we feel. I kept telling myself that if I could just hold on until the psych appointment, that it wouldn't be long...but it's been three months. And with the NHS, god knows what will happen. Professionals never seem to take me seriously. Meds aren't working for me. I'm going to be alone in the house all day tomorrow. I'm scared that tomorrow I might finally be brave enough to go through with it? I'm not idealising an afterlife of paradise, I just want this to be over.