No-one special, really...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by SnowFalls, May 3, 2014.

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  1. SnowFalls

    SnowFalls New Member

    I've been looking around this forum site for about a week now but I haven't really had the courage to join up. Until now, that is. This is my introducing myself, I guess.
    Name: I'd prefer to remain anonymous so my name will be SnowFalls, or Snow or whatever.
    Age: Mid-teenage years
    Country: England
    Gender: Female

    There's not much in my story, but there are some pages:
    -I've been self-harming since early 2012. Nothing bad enough to send me to hospital, but to the extent of dark scars on my arms and legs. Some are fading, others aren't.
    -I've had an EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified) since mid-2012. What started with making myself throw up evolved into starving myself. I'm annoyingly not thin enough to be considered anorexic. While BMI scales show me as a healthy weight, in reality I'm carrying a lot of excess baggage.
    -Looking back, I've been depressed since early 2013, which came just after I first experienced suicidal thoughts and feelings. I've never been officially diagnosed as having depression but with common sense, my girlfriend's own battle with it, and many semi-professional online tests, I have come to the conclusion that I am depressed.
    -As I said, I have suicidal thoughts. I've attempted suicide three times with three different methods.. Each failed, I was just left a little shaken, with scars, or bad stomach pains for a couple of weeks. No hospital needed, and although one of my friends called the police the second time, nothing came out of it. The first attempt was in March 2013, the second in June 2013 and the third in December 2013.
    -I have been diagnosed with anxiety which causes panic attacks once or twice a month. The last couple I've had have been getting gradually worse, giving me a longer time to get myself under control or making me pass out. I'm not on medication for them, I don't want to be dependent on pills to make me normal. I just get on with my life.

    I've seen six counselors since August 2012. They've ranged from GP counselors, to youth workers, to school listeners, to CAMHS workers (child and adolescent mental health worker). I've told each one varying amounts of my life. Since my fourth, I've been very reluctant to do so - he was a school listener and so if I told him anything then he'd just say that he's worried about me and phone my parents to tell them and then they'd take me home and yell at me. So yes, my parents know. Different friends also know varying amounts - my girlfriend knowing everything going on in my life. Well, nearly everything. She doesn't know to what extent all my problems are really, she's had really bad depression, so I guess she kind of under-exaggerates my problems. Or it's just me over-exaggerating them.

    I found this forum because I googled it. I was looking for a last hope. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Timeline>

    Anyway, that was a very long introduction, sorry. I guess I just have a lot to say and not many people to say it to, so I say it here. But yes, sorry about all of that.

    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2014
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Snow you say you do not want to be dependent on medication what is the difference from someone needing insuling or heat medciation to survive then you needing depression meds to survive You will not be dependent on it it will keep you alive and give you a life that is bearable to live. Chemical inbalance can be corrected and you will not have these thoughts anymore You say you have not had anyone diagnose you with depression perhaps you should get your general doctor to run medical test to make sure it is not something else like your thyroid or other medical problems that can mask as depression I hope you reach out ok and there is no need to set a date line that is only putting more unneeded pressure on you

    Use your time now to get well and forget about notes and methods etc get help so you do not pass on this sadness of yours to the ones that do care abt you
  3. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Hey Snow :)
    Your story sounds a bit familiar to me, and I guess I'm about in your age if I understood you correctly (my English is a bit bad :D ). I'm 14, and I've attempted suicide seven times, always a bit different, but in the end I always ended up with a stomach-ache. But isn't that like running away? I've never been tested wether I'm depressed or not, but some online-self-tests say I am, and some people I care about say the same. So I guess I am depressed. But what I want you to do is this: First, think of all the people you like. I don't know how many that are, but I think there are some. Now think of how they would react, if you died. They'd be sad and maybe angry, wouldn't they? Just keep that in mind when you feel like ending it.
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