no one understands

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by delt55, Mar 13, 2014.

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  1. delt55

    delt55 Member

    I had everything. A wife. A nice house. A dog. Not just any dog the manliest small dog you can own. A pug. A job. And not just any job. The best job in the world. I was a cop. Only thing I've ever wanted to do. Ever watch cops? They have a little segment in the beginning were they talk about there lives. Just about every one of them talks about how its the best job in the world. And it is. Hell I was even on COPS. How cool was that. A little over a year ago. Achieved everything. Even was going to start a family. Then it all fell apart. Wife couldnt handle my job. (long hours, fear of my safety, shift work, change in my attitude etc....) found out she didnt want a family, seperated, divorced, couldnt deal with it started to self medicate. Drugs, alcohol all the things that will cost you your job when your a cop. And it did. An off duty incident one night. Embarrassment, career killing, front page of the paper incident. Now I dont know what to do. I dont know how to move on. Most cops in this situation eat their gun. Thats what people dont get. You cant go back from doing my job to do something else. Just doesnt work. I wish I could get over it. I wish I could move on. I just cant do it. I have a long life of misery, regret, thinking about what could have been. Tried killing myself twice already. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> And it will happen soon. Friends and family say its selfish. But isnt it selfish for them to expect me to live like this. In this pain? And please dont tell me it will get better. Because how can it?
     
  2. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    can you get a lower position as sercurity guard to a bank or mall? or even a bar bouncer? idk just trying to help.
     
  3. PinkiePieInTheSky

    PinkiePieInTheSky Well-Known Member

    So, it's like being Superman and then trying to take another job? It just doesn't work.

    Please keep talking. We may not be able to help, but we can hear you out.
     
  4. delt55

    delt55 Member

    Yeah pinkie I guess it is like that. That's a good way to put it. Soul reaper I appreciate your input I am working security now. But I hate it. Had to go down to part time just because I couldn't bring myself to go Into work. I've called in at least 4 times in as many months. ( including today) not to mention the loss of health insurance a pension and a $17 per hr Paycut.
     
  5. PinkiePieInTheSky

    PinkiePieInTheSky Well-Known Member

    Have you considered some form of community college? Perhaps EMT training?
     
  6. delt55

    delt55 Member

    yeah looked into it. I would take more schooling than its worth take a few years and they only make roughly 12-14 an hour here. Thinking law school too. Was advised by a couple lawyer buddies that its a bad idea. One of my friends took on 170k in debt to get through law school. Then took him almost 2 yrs to find a job. I guess the problem is I can get a job. I have oppurtunities. People willing to help me. I just cant BRING myself to get out of bed and go do those jobs. I think to much about my old job. How good I had it and how I just wont be satisfied doing anything else. I guess the way I explain it to my friends is alot of people like their jobs. They like the pay, the benefits, may be good at it. But even if you like your job if given the oppurtunity to not go into work for a day and get paid most people would stay in there bed. Not cops. Going to work alot of times was my highlight of the day. I never wanted to miss it or even take vacation because I didnt want to be anywhere else.
     
  7. PinkiePieInTheSky

    PinkiePieInTheSky Well-Known Member

    Military, as an MP?

    Do you have any chance of being able to get a job as a cop if you move somewhere else?

    What things about your job did you love?
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I just want to say I have read your post,you are being heard. I am unsure of what you should do except seek medical advice and help. Don't waste what you have accomplished already by committing suicide,and I don't think you're selfish at all,I can see the pain in your post.Good luck x
     
  9. delt55

    delt55 Member

    Because of the internet and my incident making front page news I don't think id survive the background check for the military or another police agency. I am seeing a therapist that specializes in police issues. I just can't move past this. I woke up this morning missing my wife so bad I was clutching my chest in pain. Then I've been tearing up all day thinking of her. On top of that I'm at my new bs security job and cant stop daydreaming about my old job. I don't know how much longer I can take the pain. I truly feel like god is calling me home.
     
  10. delt55

    delt55 Member

    Pinkie I missed were you asked what I liked about my job. Just about everything. Helping people. Putting cuffs on people that deserved it. The uniqueness. Patrolling around in the wee hours of the night. Protecting people. Code 3 ( lights and siren) calls. The danger. The excitement. The prestige. I was a crisis intervention officer. I helped people in my situation. I've heard many thank yous from suicidal people that I've helped them. Consoling domestic violence victims and putting their asshole spouses in jail. The way kids looked at you like a superhero. The comradery. The brotherhood. Going Into work wondering what was going to happen that evening. Most of all doing a job that most people won't do. A necessary job. I was a wolfhunter. A sheepdog protecting the flock. And I was good at it. My calling. How do you give that up?
     
  11. PinkiePieInTheSky

    PinkiePieInTheSky Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry. No one should have to suffer through the pain you are suffering through. But you're handling it bravely.

    If you were still in your former job, what would you say to someone in your position?

    I think that you are doing the hardest possible part of your old job right now. When before you'd be rescuing someone else from a danger outside of themselves, now you are fighting for yourself, against a pain inside of you. An enemy that you can't just slap handcuffs on.
    You are brave to do this.
     
  12. delt55

    delt55 Member

    what i found with dealing with suicidal people is if I just took time to listen to them and showed them I cared it helped. Most of them were on medication where I am not. I tried anti depressants they just made me tired. Also with the lack of insurance its pretty much impossible for me to keep going back until I find the right one. I would usually encourage people to get back on there meds then take them to a hospital or a crisis center to talk to someone. To be honest I dont know how much it helped. All I could do is get someone open to the idea to accept help and give them resources for it. I am trying. I talk to my family. I go to a therapist. Im on this forum and one dedicated to just police officers. But none of this seems to work. Every night I think about being in my patrol car. Every day I wake up in this room in my sisters house (not my house or my nice downtown loft i had for awhile) without my wife. The only time I am at peace is when I'm sleeping. I miss my wife terribly every morning and miss my job terribly every night. I dont want to feel like this I wish I could just move on, but my heart is broken two fold every day. I think about suicide pretty much hourly and seems to me the only way to end this pain. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That is what I was taught in my Crisis Intervention training. Although my problems are permanent I will never get my job back and I will never get my wife back. So how do I cope with that?
     
  13. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    so, what exactly does the therapist specializing say? do you agree/disagree? why
     
  14. delt55

    delt55 Member

    He keeps telling me not to give up on my job. Apply everywhere. Get a lawyer. I somewhat agree. But at some point I have to realize its not going to happen and move on. And thats what I'm having a hard time with.
     
  15. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    so lawyer would help you get back on track and there's like 50:50 chance you'll make it then, right?
    try that more positive outlook that you'll succeed. it sounds hasslesome and google underlining hasslesome, lol. anyway, it sounds hasslesome but it's your dream
     
  16. delt55

    delt55 Member

    Idk no about 50/50. Its a pretty uphill battle. More like a snowball in hell type of chance. But I am trying until I resolve all options.
     
  17. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    hi delt55- i dont know how you feel or what you are going through- but i wish you well.

    there were a couple things that you wrote that really struck me and gave me a thought i wanted to share for whatever its worth.

    you wrote: 'I was a wolfhunter. A sheepdog protecting the flock. And I was good at it.' this is awesome, but when i read it i thought of the line from 'few good men' when the lawyer, speaking to the marine said something like 'you dont have to wear the uniform to be a man of honor' or something like that- and i thought that maybe you have an excellent skill set and experience to me an effect wolfhunter in a different way- the world needs all the wolfhunters it can get imo-

    anyways just a thought and i do wish you well.
     
  18. delt55

    delt55 Member

    Im close real. close. Just cant get past it. Life consists of bs job. 2 days a week I can barely hold down. Even when life is positive its negative. Had an interview yesterday. Hospital police department. They were real impressed (even called to tell me about it). But just cant do it. I dont think I can hold a regular job down. No motivation. No drive anymore. I used to be such a driven person. Always moving forward. Happy with life. The pain is almost unbearable. Too much going on. I was extremely depressed before I lost my job. Then I lost my job. Lost the 2 most important things in my life. My ring and my badge. Ive been depressed now for 18 months. Everyone says it gets better but it has only gotten worse. I just cant handle this pain for much longer.
     
  19. lonel

    lonel Account Closed

    i wish i could say or do something to help- but everything i think of sounds stupid to me but i wish you well.
     
  20. delt55

    delt55 Member

    i just dont know how much longer i can take this :( I was on top of the world. Had everything I ever wanted. Now I cant get out of bed. No wife. Bs job. I miss working every night and my wife every morning. The only time I'm peaceful, when this isnt real is when I'm sleeping. I just want to end this pain, permanently.
     
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