No one understands

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LightInTheDarkestNight, Jan 29, 2009.

  1. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I'd be better off dead I'm just a total failure. Everything goes wrong.

    Relationship failures, Way too jealous, cheating etc...
    Smoking way too much weed since I was 12-13.

    When I was 13 I started getting acne around my nose it looks bad, it feels irritating as well itchy. Just something else I have to live with for the rest of my life :sad:
    then I got overly self concious about the size of my nose then I ended up getting a nose job and now it looks worse then before it's somewhat smaller but slightly crooked.

    After the rhinoplasty I had a weird infection killed all my taste to this sick bland taste. Then I started getting horrible allergies that were so dehibiltation even me blowing my nose would bother my dad because i would constatly do it. I had to get sinus surgery it was that bad and allergy shots every week if I go long without them it gets very bad once again.

    I ended up taking testosterone then I took letrozole a high dose and it made my lips sickly grose and dry which I would peel off after a shower. I was an idiot and wanted to get rid of the estogren in my body and not do cardio like I should. I didn't stop taking when I should have... It still peels now it's gross.

    So I wanted to do more with my life I stopped weed(only half a gram to a gram a day) and went on vacation. Well my lower lip was more prone to for infectoin/dmg since its already Fucked up. Well it got sun burned even after using sunscreen on it then It got infected, I got paranoid people were out to get me since there were some rude as people, not to mention the pain I was in was severe...

    Then I go home it's still feeling horrible I felt ignored from my family. In the car on the way home I mentioned it my dad was like I've heard this before and then talked about the vacation while I had suffered so badly., I feel all paranoid and the burning and pain I'm in from the infection doesn't help at all either. I feel somewhat better get drunk go out to a club get in a crash, DUI, total the car, walk outside the hospital in the parking lot infront of a security car, talk some crazy shit get locked up. Spill guts about my life and they lock me in there for 5 days..

    Come out I'm still infected.. going crazy trying to figure out whats causing my physical pain burning stinging.. This lasted from Late may until early-mid september...

    I get dental work done and It spreads the infection. The left side of my face the is now puffy/ very minorly swollen many months later. I also feel sensations on that side of my face AKA neurolgical problems although its not severe and intermittent it's still not pleasant. the skin is slightly thickened there are bumps on the inside swollen salivary glands(permanently due to the damge)
    IE it's permanent just as if I didn't have enough things to worry about my looks on top of feeling physically horrible.

    I don't go out with friends. I've probably cost my parents at least $40,000 the past 12 months from lawyer fees to totaling the car from medical tests, doctors bills.

    Overall I'm just a burden. No women will ever want to be with me, I don't have a job or a future, I feel physcially horrible, I look visually bad as well, Skin problems, swelling oh yea and my jaw receeded some from the dental work infection/dmg whatever you want to call it.

    I have insanely low cholesterol which makes someone much more prone to anxiety and depression. HDL is responsible for hormone production low testosterone itself can cause a fair amount of problems itself. Oh yea im only 23...

    So yea I'm mostly just a burden now with no real hope of any future. My buddy roman asks to go out to the strip club or maybe some wings I want to but I just don't feel good enough.

    Honestly no one would really miss me I'm not just saying that it's true. My family would care but overall they would be better off without me less off a financial burden less work around the house they also wouldn't have to think about me or my problems.

    My problems are so weird not many people understand as for the most part their very rare things. I feel like I'm justified to die as it's all just to much for one person to deal with being alone, and in pain.

    I also experience pain in my legs, extreme fatigue.. just a rant here I've made some stupid desicions and maybe I deserve all the suffering that I experience.

    My parents don't deserve me as a son. my sister while home for christmas vacation was like. "why can't you be like connor". she doesn't understand no one does.

    Yes I have stuff to be grateful for but at the same I'm missing so much that most people take for granted. Nothing is real until it's gone and I don't have much left..
  2. joanne

    joanne Member

    Hi, What your going through sounds painful and I just want you to know that I read your post and I'm thinking about you.

  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: 2fargone.

    Sounds like you are suffering a lot :sad:

    Don't take what your sister said to heart, she obviously doesn't understand what depression feels like. If she hasn't been through it, she can't know. :hug:

    I'm sure you would be missed, by your family and by us. Depression can be treated effectively, don't give up.

    Well done on giving up weed :hug:

    I'm here if you need to talk :heart: