No one would notice I was gone 'til my body starts to smell

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ~Phoenix~, Oct 18, 2007.

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  1. ~Phoenix~

    ~Phoenix~ Member

    I really don't care about much anymore and I know for a fact no one cares about me.

    I have nothing and I am nothing.... and if I keep going at the rate I'm going with the things I'm doing, one day my wish WILL come true and I will NOT wake up.

    ..........and no one will notice I'm gone........ until the smell my my rotting flesh seeps through my neighbor's walls and she calls the landlord to complain.

    Self loathing acts I've commited in the last week:

    I've beat myself with my fists until my cheekbones were just starting to bruise, but once I starting hitting myself... I stopped crying. Physical pain doesn't hurt nearly as much as internal pain.

    I gorged myself on food until my stomach could hold no more and I involuntarily threw it all back up. Then did it again the next day. After puking each time, I swallowed a box of laxatives... my gut still hurts. I don't care.

    I deprived myself of sleep for nearly two days....purposely. When I felt myself drifting, I'd slap or hit myself awake.

    I am on my third day of no food as punishment for all the crap I shoved down my throat. I've had only a few diet sodas, but no water. So, I know I am dehydrated (as caffeine in soda will dehydrate NOT hydrate). I have no appetite.

    Finally, last night, I took enough anti-psychotic meds to knock out a horse. My head was spinning and my speech was slurred within minutes of taking them.... especially on an empty stomach. I really thought "This is it":unsure:
    I was a happy and unsure all at the same time. I slept.........

    .....................and then I woke up. Damn. :sad: In the words of my mother "you can't do anything right".

    Well, no food continues, dehydration continues, and beating myself continues.

    Most of wish to not wake up ever again............continues.

    .....................................and still no one will even notice.
  2. mb75

    mb75 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel this way and that so many of us think there is no hope..... I'll be a hypocrit to tell you to try to survive because these days I am barely doing it myself.... Do you want to talk about what has triggered all these feeling you have? :hug:
  3. ~Phoenix~

    ~Phoenix~ Member

    There are things that have happened recently that have made these feelings more profound... but I can't say the feelings were triggered... I'd say I've always had them.

    I've attempted before when I was younger.... 3 different times. The third time, my now ex-bf poured the pills in my hand, said "go ahead", and watched me swallow them. That was a long time ago.

    I used to numb myself with food and I thought a year ago, that if I stopped doing that, lost some weight, got active in something, I'd feel at least a little better. In less than a year, I lost 150 lbs..........

    .............. and I feel worse now then I did before..........

    and I am barely hanging on.... or maybe I'm already falling....... I don't really know. I'll go into more recent things later today. I've got to pay a bill b4 the offices close. I'll be back, today at least.

    I'm sorry that I can't offer you much either except this.... you took a moment out of your day to touch the life of a stranger and that counts. That counts BIG TIME. No one knows what their actions have on other ppl and how it could affect them for the moment or for their lifetime. You offered me HOPE that there is someone listening. What you think is a small gesture, I know, what sacrifices it makes just to give it, especially at this time... hon, I KNOW.
    So what I can offer you, is this "you did a huge, marvelous thing today and you did it right." Thank you for shining your light for me to see in my darkness.

    Love and hugs,
  4. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    Have you been diagnosed with bipolar disorder or anything like that?

    I used to cut myself years ago and peel the skin off my fingers. And now I'm finding life is getting too hard. I've got to decide when to let go. But the only reason I'm holding on is hope. Even if it's just a shadow.
  5. ~Phoenix~

    ~Phoenix~ Member

    Ya know, I thought I was the only person on earth that pulled skin off and I always thought it was because I just had dry skin. It is the same with the bottom of my feet. I've done the skin thing since I was a kid. Right now the bottom of my left foot is raw.

    Bi-polar?? No, but then again, I am not open and honest about what is going on with me to anyone. The only thing I've been diagnosed with is clinical depression and anxiety/panic disorder. I take wellbutrin because the other ad's I was on made me gain weight, while the wellbutrin doesn't seem to... then I take prosac when PMS hits (recommended from my doc). Keep in mind, that I am not good about keeping up on my ad's.

    But I do take either xanax or clonazepam for severe panic attacks (which up until this summer, my anxiety/panic was little or none at all.... I had been off that for years (must say my divorce helped with that along with helping ease the Since my doc added back the clonazepam, that really didn't touch the anxiety and I'd not be able to sleep for 3-4 days straight because my mind would not shut off... he added trazadone. So last night, I took more than the prescribed amount of both the trazadone and the clonazepam.... you bet ya, I slept then.:blink:

    From what I know about bi-polar, ppl have swings from highs to lows and back again. I am never in a "manic" mode.... I'm always on the depressive one. And I seem to hide it well enough that ppl that do know me, either don't notice ....... or don't care to notice.

    Maybe I just don't know that much about it. I did also think that it was difficult to diagnose. The thing I hated with my other ad's that I've tried, I'd gain tons of weight and be a zombie or walk around in a haze. While, most of the time, I'd love to just be a zombie.... I still have not lost it enough to not want the need to be able to function on some days.(I know I've just contadicted my whole thread....:huh:) The panic attack meds I only take when I know I can sleep.

    I've been toxic since I was born. I've been molested, physically/mentally/emotionally abused as a child, I've been raped by a stranger and by the man I was married to (who also beat me and deprived me of sleep and finances), I've been homeless, I've been spiritually/emotionally abused by so called "Christians" who were supposed to be the ones to 'help' me.... the list goes on and on.

    My lack of self-worth is so deeply embedded it is just easier to live with the demons then to try and fight against them. So it seems that events that transpired recently stirred up these demons and brought along some buddies to join in the fun.

    I just believe that my reason for being born was to fulfill the need of being the world's punching bag in any way shape or form. I was, I am, and I will always be a nobody.... and trust me the title of this thread is true.... no one would notice. No one notices when I disappear for days, weeks, month's on end... no one checks on me..... they wouldn't know that I was dead until the stench penetrated the walls.... I have no one.

    This post is long enough, but to understand the current situation, I'd need to explain the history that goes with it.... and it all started back when I was 15. I'm in my mid-30's now and it all has to do with family secrets.

    I'm going to retreat behind my fortress and try to lose myself in some TV. I think I can safely say I'll wake up tomorrow. (I'll handle the day after that when it gets here)

    I seemed to have broken my word and numbed my pain with a little food.... and I'll get more numb as the night wears on.. and will punish myself after.

    Hope and love to you all. Hugs xxxx
  6. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    awwww hun sorry what uve gone through! really. but i know what ur going through! hun try thinking about different things to distract ur self. iknow about self affliction. ive been through that, in stead of self harming try to get ur feeling out on a canvas or paper, write about how u feel! instead of harming ur self
  7. Nessarose

    Nessarose Well-Known Member

    I have to say, that is horrible, and sick, sick, sick.

    I know it's hard, but please stop hurting yourself. I used to go days without eating as self-punishment, too, but it is dangerous and you don't deserve to be treated badly, whether by yourself or others.

    I'm sorry things are so rough for you and you feel alone. :hug: You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
  8. ~Phoenix~

    ~Phoenix~ Member

    All I can say today is that I've made it thru another day.

    I don't know if that is good or bad.

    I inflicted physical pain on myself today and will contine to do mental torture and physical hits until I'm numb enough to sleep.

    W/e's are hard, I know couples that are going out and spending time together, holding hands, hugging, cuddling. (And I do NOT mean anything to do with sex) I've had no loving physical contact from anyone in over 8 years.... and before that it was just the bad word for sex and so I don't count that... so really I've had no loving physical contact (hugs, cuddles, etc) from anyone for probably my entire life. I want to know what it is like to be loved like that.... to be held just because someone loves me and is not repulsed to touch me.

    But I believe I was born toxic and not worthy of such love. It is not for a lack of trying. But once ppl spend time with me, then begin to see that I am poisoning them too..... I pull back in defense and never hear from them.

    I am so tired of being alone... and with the holidays coming shortly what's the point of being here if I am just going to be alone. I have no one, but then again, I am no one... so I guess it doesn't matter.

    I'd do anything for a best friend... just to girl-talk with and I'd do anything to be able to feel the true honest love of a man who walks in integrity, confidence, and adoration that I see other woman have. But then again, in either scenerio, I'd end up poisoning both of them.

    ........and if I am so toxic, then WHY?!?! am I allowed to live!!!! When all I want to do is die. I suppose it is because I'd rather take the role of "the world's punching bag" then all that pain falling on someone else. If I could take all the pain for all of you, I would.

  9. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    I can honestly tell you that you were not born toxic. You're lying. The horrible people that caused you pain and heartbreaks were the "TOXINS."

    You can choose to wash them off(I know it'll be extremely hard for you) of your mind,body and soul.(and become more attractive, approachable to the people you want to be around with)

    From what I've read,(even though I do not know a lot about you) you're a genuine person capable of loving someone and being loved. A lot of people are, and YES you're one of them.

    I feel sorry for the unfortunate happenings in your life, but they certainly do not make you unworthy.

    You're a good person that needs help. That's it, a good ordinary person that was in bad situations and now requires help, not some creepy zombie you're making yourself out to be..
    You can choose not to believe it.. but just get the facts right.

    You do not deserve all the horrible things you're doing to yourself.
    Think no one cares? Well, it affects me. It makes me feel sick and terrible..
    Punishing yourself for what..? You're not a punching bag and NO you're taking anyone else's pain away by doing so. Quit it.

    Remember success is the best revenge. Work to make your tomorrow better than today.

    (By the way, I PMed you a while ago, I hope you read it.)

    Please do not harm(cutting, taking laxatives,punching) yourself!! See a pychotherapist or get an easy part-time job or enroll in a cooking class or something!! Doing things and being active make you forget the negative emotions.(temporarily) I do things like them myself. Think of it as a therapy, do it for yourself.

    I may not be much help to you or anybody, but I meant everything I wrote above.

    Have a great weekend~
  10. ~Phoenix~

    ~Phoenix~ Member

    There is so much this past year that I've tried to do to make myself more approachable, more likeable, all of which I wanted to go into. But it ends sadly and because that pain is so recent, it is hard to talk about w/out uncontrollable sobbing that I fear will not stop once it has started.

    I did so much this past year ......stepping far beyond my protected comfort zone... and it was great for a while. But those demons won't let me win for long... they come back with a vengence and with friends.

    I was not born to be happy or to be loved. I just wasn't. And I've lost all hope for anything. I just don't care anymore and don't know what to do.

    What I do know is that physical pain is far easier to bear than the emotional pain I carry. External bruises heal, but when the inside is broken, when the soul wasn't even born whole to start with, and years upon years of continued pain pour into those cracks... it doesn't make it more stable.... it only makes my foundation more cracked. So once those internal demons take over, it is just easier to externally feel the pain then to feel it inside.

    I'm not making any sense.

    I just want to die tonight and I want someone to care about that.... and no one does. At the top of this page is a link for a memorial site for loved ones.... want to know what mine would say?......................NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. (What's her name, again?)

    Her name is ....... NOBODY.
  11. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I care about it.

    I'm sorry for your situation... I wish I could make it all go away. I don't know what else to say.
  12. LexieFish

    LexieFish New Member

    Phoenix - I love your name...!

    It is a name of hope, as you know - you rising from the ashes of your former life to become a glorious and all powerful bird of freedom.

    I've read your story, and you are now a part of my memories. I will remember you, I will mourn you, I will rejoice for you if you decide to fly to freedom instead of burying yourself in the ashes.

    I am in day 2 of dehydration. I'm pretty thirsty, but it is but an annoyance compared to the pain I feel inside. As long as I last (some say 5 days, others up to 2 weeks), I will read your posts daily and respond to you.

    Warm hugs,
  13. angus

    angus Active Member

    I wish I could make it better for you....I have heard a quote somewhere....To the world you may feel like no one, but to someone you maybe the world. I try to think of this...and know somewhere I am the world to someone....I hope
  14. An assumption: you got close enough to your boyfriend to be able to tell him your self-harming and negative feelings about yourself and the world in general. He saw it as whining and figured you just wanted attention so "dared" you to go through with it. He made an error in judgement of the situation. Is that right? Or was he just a twisted person who liked to watch people die?

    You apparently have a self-harming nature yet you only talk about you harming yourself. Wouldn't a dedicated self-harmer always on the lookout for opportunities to be hurt by constantly making friends with people who are likely to hurt them or even applying for meaningless/un-fufiling jobs?

    Accusing you of putting yourself in situations to get hurt? That would be stupid. The people that hurt you and don't care about you have a free choice to be arseholes, you don't make them do that.

    There are probably billions of people in the world who will never, ever care about you, or me. Fuck 'em. If there are even 4 or 5 genuine people just on these boards then chances are ...

    It's a curious feeling when drowning in the overwhelming pain and sadness becomes the most comforting place in your life. It's always tempting to go back there. I always wondered if NA meetings would be a better place to be than depression counselling.
  15. ~Phoenix~

    ~Phoenix~ Member

    well, it's been over a year since I last posted here. I don't even go online all that much anymore. I'm still in the same mental state that I was in when I first posted, with one major exception....

    The first week of June 2008, my mom died.

    No one found her body for two days.

    If my brother had not gone on his usually Saturday morning stop by, there is no telling how long it would have been before anyone found her.

    She was only 57 years old.

    The medical examiner decided an autopsy was not necessary. Her death certificate reads "unknown causes".

    There was no will, no power of attorney, no notes. She had been suicidal in the past. I mentioned this to the M.E., she said there was nothing to say this was a suicide.

    I found it difficult to relate to my mom while she was still here. In fact, the year before she died I had no contact with her. I thought I had time to fix things between us. Somehow, I feel I can to relate to how she was feeling the past few years of her life. My posts here probaby read exactly what she was thinking.

    Read the title of my thread and remember no one found my mom's body for 2 days. I am just as alone as she is...

    .... I'll end up the same way, whether it be by my own hand or by God setting me free. The only difference in my case is no one drops by to check on me .... EVER. Nor do they phone. No one would know that my body needed to be found.

    My mom was a hoarder... mostly of trash. Her body laid there amongst piles of trash for 2 days. I'm sure in her mind that was a fitting way to go. I tried my best to give her a proper eulogy to make it sound like her life mattered. Because it did.

    I was in so much shock I could not find the words and I cried terribly in front of the few people that were there. Not one person hugged me to comfort me. Not one person stayed to talk. Not one person called to see how I was/am doing.

    What difference did her life make if I wind up just like her?

    I am hurting so terribly bad. Even physical pain doesn't ease the internal pain anymore.

    I just want it all to be over. When hope is gone what else is left?

    More than a year since my last post and things have only gotten worse.

    Thank you all for reading and for your encouraging words. They do mean the world to me. I'll probably be coming back here more often. Maybe it will be the one thing that will keep me going for now.

    Whether you know me or not... I love you all.

    Hugs and blessings~
  16. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    I love you too Phoenix. Although you said you were in the same mental state as your post last year, I can tell you're actually a lot better now. Because you are now going through much tougher things like your mom passing away. It's not a bad thing to experience bad things in life.. it is only bad because we're too weak to handle it. The universe is neutral in this matter.

    It has to do with how we were brought up, that determines how we're gonna handle life. Some are lucky to have very supportive family and friends, some are not, some made their own way, some did not. I guess you weren't all the glad with how you were being brought up, hence you fail to cope with life at the moment.. you wished things were different.

    Take the past away, because it's not important anymore.. if it's negative, take those away and see it as a turning point.. when will you reach a turning point in life where you'll see the bigger picture, that life is not that hard anymore.. you need to change, to start changing your environment, what you do daily, make small achievable plans every month. Don't be too hard on yourself. Make a few chats, go socialize (slowly), then you'll start believing in yourself.. once you believe in yourself, others will start to notice you're such a great person.. it's how you do it, not what you do.. that determines the quality of your life.

    Take small steps to improve your life, and take small steps to give yourself reasons to believe in yourself. Nobody will believe in you unless you first believe in yourself. Look at nature, the animals.. they all rely on their instinct.. they believed in themselves. If they don't, they won't look for food therefore die of hunger.. same as human beings, we need to believe in ourselves, to supply the emotional, financial, and mental stability in our lives.

    I'm able to help you because I know how it's like, because I'm suicidal as well. We help each other survive here.. much love and peace to you!:cool::smile::smile::smile::smile:
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    wow pheonix, I'm sorry you're suffering so much. :(

    I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm here if you need to talk :hug:
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Phoenix,
    I'm not one of the girls but I am here if you want to talk!!PM me and we can talk there or if you have MSN I will give you my address on it. Iam sorry noone showed a bit of interest in you at your mom's funeral.
    I know the feeling of not having any friends I always pushed people away and stayed isolated because I would freak out if people talked to me because I have socialphobia. I'm sorry about the things that happened to you when you were younger. Sometimes you have to dispose of those old thoughts because the more they stagnate the more harm they will do to you.
    You have my attention, so reach out and I will talk with you. I'm sure others will be telling you the same thing once they read your thread. Heres a big bear hug for you::arms::trolls: Take care and please stop harming your self. The more positive vibes you put out will attract people to you. When you are negative all the time they pick up on this and then they quit coming around.
    You are a very intelligent young lady who has been shit on by life and only you can bring it to a hault!!! I care and hopefully give you some of what you need. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  19. ~Phoenix~

    ~Phoenix~ Member

    My mental state remains the same, but I am taking advice and getting out of the house. I've volunteered to run spotlights for the next two plays at our community playhouse. I enjoy theatre, but can never afford to go, this way, I get to see the plays/musicals for free and even get comp tickets. I'm going to reach out to an old classmate of mine and see if she'll drive the 2hours it takes to get here to bring her family to the show.

    Maybe seeing someone from my past that knew my mom and knows my situation will help.

    In any case, just being involved in something I'm sure will take my mind off things for the time being. It's the coming home that I dread. Then the next day when it is time to leave my comfortable (yet depressing) solitude it is difficult to leave. But I made a commitment...

    That's a step in the right direction... isn't it?

    I am just so sad and lonely. I hope I don't get overwhelmed by commitments I've made... I'd hate to have a panic attack away from home. I had one the day after my mom's funeral at the car rental company. I've never had an outburst like that before and ended up in the ER.

    I really think I am suffering from PTSD over my mom's death. I have short term memory loss and the SI urge is more profound than usual.

    I can't sleep unless I take something and when I do take something I'll sleep sometimes up to 15 hours or more straight. Now with the commitments I've made, I definitely cannot take anything to sleep... I have to be able to function. Although, I will say when I take something to sleep, I sleep deep and I dream happy dreams... most times I awake feeling sad because my dream is over and the realization of my real life situation just smacks me hard. I really wish I could live in my dreams, it is there that I am happy, people like me, I have friends, and I have a life. What I have now is no way to live.


    I just hope and pray that what I am doing turns out to be positive for me, if even for the short time that I'm doing it. I don't want it to backfire on me.

    Thank you all for listening and replying. I re-read every single post and PM over and over.. sometimes it is the only thing that allow the tears to flow. If the tears flow, then the SI isn't so bad and the demons are held at bay.

    I wish I could be more of a support to everyone. Right now, I just don't have it in me.

    All I can say is that my prayer for all of you this coming year is that you are filled with hope, dreams, faith, blessings and love.

    I know I love you all. (((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

  20. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i am so sorry you are feeling so bad :(
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