No one

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MondoCane, Sep 8, 2016.

  1. MondoCane

    MondoCane Member

    I am from Romania and I could not find any social forum like this to talk to anyone else, it does not matter with whom. Moreover, Romania is not listed on any international forum/social media&resource like this. I dared to cry for help here... For so many years in my life I have no one to talk to. Of course I do not want to share my life story here, I am no more a child, it's been such a long time since I was a child. All that I can say, the whole truth about me is that the society condemned me to death by horrible abuses and tortures at least since I was 13, in 1984. I was good and intelligent, but very poor since childhood, that's all. I wrote much of my life story on a personal blog in Romanian and only a small part of it in English. I lost a part of my left leg in a suicide attempt. Maybe because now I am 45, my life is no more worth preserving and I don't imagine that strangers from other countries can help me, but please, if someone feels a little pity within for a gentle and kind and powerless being like I always was, please, do drop me a line. I tried in English on many social forums but I was never lucky. I tried on tens of social media for communication, handicap sites or literary sites because I wrote poems. Regardless of poison or other techniques of tortures, I needed to be alive and absolutely no one wants to talk with me for many years. I was completely isolated after my fathers' death in 2005. I was only 34 and the only person they left present in my life was my evil mother. This is the whole truth about me, trust me and right now I feel my stomach burning and horrible taste in my mouth. Last night I felt again back spine pain (lumbar) and pain on the right side of my abdomen. And vomiting sensations right now. So many times I asked for medical help in vain. Absolutely certain I did nothing wrong my whole life and the others destroyed my body aggressively and faster and faster in the past 10 years. It is true that I was a medical student for 5 years (I had to quit) and I studied Psychology for 6 years. I wanted to be alive, you can guess this...absolutely certain I helped others and loved them and I did nothing wrong a lifetime. If only I had someone to talk to at least once a month on the phone - but everyone rejected me though I don't talk about hunger because of scarce money and I don't talk about the tortures in my life. If I had at least one phone call every month of my latter life to talk about the weather report or some kind of artistic or cultural beauty, I would have been very happy. In my country there is no monthly pension for handicapped people or psychiatric disorders, only a small financial helping. No one likes me because I am poor. I don't want to talk about this, I am right, the others lied and framed my life. I asked on my knees a colleague form high school many times to call me on the phone me at least one every 2 months and she promised she will do this and then she did not do this and I asked her again and again, because she talked with me once or twice a year. Today it is her birthday and I feel so sad that I cannot call her like I always did because I feel horrible and she did not call me for many months. It is harder and harder, it's been more than 11 years of total isolation. I asked everyone else, my ex-colleagues, etc. I am still a human being, not a corpse yet. I am not a stone. The others did the same thing, my cousins deserted me after all I did for them in their childhood and my true love for them...other people too did the same thing to me. I could not have ever do such a thing in order to kill a good person. I remember how much I felt like giving love to others wihtout the need to be rewarded in return, but I could not imagine that they will reject me completely. Now it is very hard. I felt good and I was slim only 10 years ago. Now I am obese and with multiple digestive disorders or leg swelling or segmented stool, or peripheral neuropathy, etc. and I am locked in my room and helpless with the need to talk anything with anyone for such a long time...I even smoked cigarettes because of pain and isolation and the others blame my poverty upon tobacco, though it would not have been enough even if I did not smoke at all. I have a rent from a rented 4 rooms apartment (common property for me and my mother) of 300 euros every month, but I need medicine and I am alone and I smoked. Paying bills, buying food, no clothes or shoes, etc. No entertainment at all. No going in the city parks. No one to talk to. There were 3 charitable souls who helped me though the years to have a few things to wear. I hardly walk only around the building where I live in. I miss the green green grass and the fresh air so much...for 5 years they did not let me go at least in the countryside, at least once every two years like before, where my mother was born, because we didn't have money anymore and my mother does not want to take me there by train anymore, though right now she could afford that for 2-3 days and it would have been paradise to me. My mother still works at almost 70 and now she helps me apparently. I would have survived more and in a better physical condition and I did not want to be killed like this, that's all. I loved life so much. I think I could have been useful even after losing my leg, I even could do work in the field (I went once with my grandpa as a hay-worker) and I could do any intellectual work. Life is so graciously beautiful and it is such a great wonder and it is so worth living - so many things apart from flowers and blue skies, and good classical music or ballet or museums or books (which I cannot afford anymore), there are so many other good things and beautiful colors and sounds. But no one needs me at all and all of them insulted me, they said that I was paranoid and hypocrite, though I was really good and sincere, even the poets whom I contacted on the net rejected me on the same basis. After 10 years of being treated like this I stopped writing of course. I only loved and cared for people with all my heart. Can someone have pity for me in this cruel, very cruel world where I was left alone since childhood? Only 2-10 words if it is possible please. No questions about my health or my money, please. By the way, my father was not my real father, there was no physical resemblance at all between us, as for my mother I don't know for certain. In the end I told you here my whole life story.
     
  2. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    I care for you. I have read your story and it saddens me that one person, could suffer so much. Please read my story below in green.
    Take Care
     
    Frances M and MondoCane like this.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. We are a caring bunch of people and really care about anyone hurting in the world. Please feel free to chat to others in the chat room. You will be welcomed. Take care and keep posting. You are an AMAZING PERSON given what you have gone through.
     
    Frances M and MondoCane like this.
  4. WALLY GASKIN

    WALLY GASKIN Well-Known Member

    Dear MondoCane, I am so very sorry.My heart goes out to you.Please stick around for us.I know this isnt much help,but all we can do is listen to each other and hope.I wish for you the best day in the world.Goodnite dear.
     
    Frances M and MondoCane like this.
  5. bythelowtide

    bythelowtide Active Member

    I am so sorry that you have suffered so much. Thank you for sharing your story, we are here for you.
     
    Frances M and MondoCane like this.
  6. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    This is my first time reaching out to someone on this site like this. Usually I'm asking for help or talking about myself but your story touched me. I'm sorry for the suffering you've endured and I hope you find some peace one day.
     
    MondoCane and Frances M like this.