Well I've soldiered on through 29 years - probably more than most would have made it - but I don't think I can keep deluding myself into believing I'll one day live a life where every day isn't some horrible ordeal I have to slog through. I don't want to condone suicide for a general audience, I'm just saying everything seems to indicate that it's the most logical choice for me. I did a thorough search, found the appropriate tools and put lots of thought into a method with guaranteed success (of course I'm not explaining that here); have numbed myself with many substances so I can calmly, objectively figure out all the details, not be distracted by pain, and of course.... in the name of objectivity which I so revere, post here to see if anyone might have a thought/perspective I haven't considered. If anyone actually has a thought on how this life might be worth living, I'd seriously be grateful. I don't want to die - face eternal oblivion - but the suffering far outweighs my mental threshold to tolerate it, and it's become more than evident that my family resents me for being such a burden over the years. I actually felt overwhelmed with endorphins (that's unique) as I held the tool and finally resolved to do it. In summary: I'm 29 years old, been physically debilitated since injuring my spine (neck and back both) at 16. I'm on disability, living with my parents because I can't endure the pain of day-to-day living chores like cooking & cleaning... most of the time (oh yes, I have tried). The pain gets worse and worse over the years, I've probably seen 120% of all the doctors in Canada. It's simply AMAZING how none of them look at it like a biological, scientific puzzle - put a real concerted effort into fixing anything - instead just lazily lining up symptoms with the medical cook-book, then shrugging their shoulders and going "I dunno, you'll just have to deal with it". Oh and of course now my provincial government went crazy with banning almost everyone from narcotic painkillers - which I've been on for 7 years - so now after the hell of opiate withdrawal (still shaking the final bits), I often collapse on the floor in pain just walking to the kitchen. Doesn't matter though. Every doctor, every specialist, every policy maker.... are 100% INDIFFERENT. My whole family has alienated me because they're just sick to death of so many hopeless years of dealing with my pain and being crippled. All my friends have permanently fallen out with me, gradually getting more and more angry with me for failing to create a life - blaming me for just not having the initiative to get better - despite my *many* attempts at college, work, socializing.... all of which I couldn't keep up under all the pain. I also have Aspergers, though I've trained and made exceptional progress at initial social-interaction, most people see me as a charming nice guy. But developing a deep, long-term relationship... I can't seem to figure out what to do. Never had any sexual interaction in my entire life, and despite naturally desiring that, I panic and bolt when the opportunity has occasionally presented itself. Mainly because - as sometimes happens with autism - I have super-human senses of smell, touch and hearing, and the thought of all that physical contact just overwhelms me. There's undoubtedly scientific and physical training methods that could fix any of this - science can do anything really, if you put your mind to it - but I lose the ability to research/learn more every year as the pain saps my life-force away. I'm tired.... I'm so god damn tired of hurting, being rejected, isolated, bored to death as I watch my dreams of bio-chemical medical research fly by. I'm tired of feeling strong affections and love for people, but not being able to show it as humans would understand it... so they think I don't possess it. I'm ready to go. It's the last thing I can focus on that induces euphoria. I hate what it'll do to my family, but I'm not so sure any more that it'll outweigh what I'll do to them in the end by staying alive. Thank you so much for reading.