No other choice

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by angelgirl, Apr 1, 2008.

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  1. angelgirl

    angelgirl Member

    I really wanted to make 2008 my year. But 3 months have gone by and nothing is better. No matter what I do I cannot change this path. I try to do it all the right way. I always felt as if a mistake had happened. Those times as a child when I did not die I was suppossed to die. I have nobody. Nobody will listen to how I'm feeling. They just tell me to pull myself together and to not brake down. Just do this. Just do that. I'm so tired. Not sleepy. But tired. I feel myself falling into the darkness. I try to avoid it but I cannot prevent it. One day I will not get better and I will end it. Nobody will notice me being gone anyway. Soon it will be as had I never excisted. It makes me sad to know I will be so easy to forget. All my life I have been to parties or gatherings and afterwards many told me I wasn't there. They never saw me. How could I be so invinsible when I was alive and happy. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not really here. Maybe I just think I'm here. Maybe I have to commit suicide to understand I'm not actually here.
     
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    I will always listen to you I promise even if it means jumping on a plane and coming to where you're and I'm not just saying that.Also I know what you're saying that you wanted 2008 to be a different year I feel exactly the same way,but please take everything I say as serious because I really mean it I promise.Also you don't have to commit suicide please don't please I'm here for you I promise.:sad:
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    people who say "pull yourself together" really have no clue about depression. would they tell someone with a broken leg to pull himself together? nope.

    all i can say is that there are people out there who won't say stupid stuff like that to you, and the best place to find them (other than here of course) is starting with your doctor who can refer you to mental health services in your area. it's a tough conversation to have, believe me i know, i've done it. but if your doctor is any goodyou will be amazed at the supports that are available to help you recover from depression.

    once you start feeling really, really suicidal it's hard to 'think' your way into recovery, that's why having other supports can help. it's worth it, it truly is.
     
  4. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    Or much of anything else, you'll find. I hate to judge people but I've known too many of those types. They're almost always ignorant, prejudiced windbags.
     
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please angelgirl, don't give up. I sometimes feel like I'm invisible and no one notices that I'm there. I think it's because if you're blending in the crowd pretty well, then you won't stand out. If you want to be noticed then you have to be different. Things can get better and your life really does matter. :hug:
     
  6. angelgirl

    angelgirl Member

    Thanks. I'm reading a book on exactly that - how to get noticed and heard. Sometimes I really feel like I'm just creating an illussion of the world and that I'm not really here. I worry I'll get stuck one day in that feeling. These days I just don't know what to do. My doctor will not give me medicin. I don't have anyone to talk to. I just feel alone and sad. I turn on all the lights to try and not fall into the darkness. But I just don't see a way to get better and actually create a life for myself. I brake down so easily though I try to be strong. It's like running into a wall all the time. I try and try and I'm so tired now.
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    one idea, can you go to another doctor? a doctor who does not take depression seriously is an idiot, sorry, but there it is. medication by itself isn't much help, often you can feel more suicidal when you start on anti-depressants, but medication along with mental health supports (nurse, social worker, or therapist) is really helpful.

    ugh. just want to go on over and slap him! or her!
     
  8. lastmessage

    lastmessage Member

    You know Id rather be doing something else, but because someone gave a care about how I felt, I will enlighten you. Death is the very last option.

    I dont know if your a guy or a girl but how would you feel if you achieve everything you wanted? Would you still feel like ending it? I am probably the most favourable to the the last resort here at the moment, but you seem bright dont waste your life on an emotion.
     
  9. lastmessage

    lastmessage Member

    I am really bad with words, not assuming your ugly or anything, but if your distress has something to do with the way you look, just remember the ugly duckling that became a beautifull swan. My mum was the same although she would never reveal it. They even made news because this was during the heat of the cold war. Anyway dont worry us guys all have different views of beauty. I couldt give a dam if a girl had spots, but others would. And so it goes on. Be confident and lift your chin up.
     
  10. angelgirl

    angelgirl Member

    I'm not sure I understand lastmessage. I'm not looking for a boyfriend in any way so I'm not feeling sad about that. About achieving everything I want to - I have no way of knowing how I'd feel. I only know how I feel right now. If it is a depression it comes to successfull people too. I just know that I get tired from trying. The feeling of being alone has nothing to do with wanting a boyfriend. It's because I don't matter. What I say and do doesn't matter and I cannot make a difference or a change. I can be amongst 100 people and be sure I'm not there. It's as I do not excist. I want to feel like I matter. I want to be needed. I want to be heard. But right I'm just tired and I mostly just want to sleep and never wake up.
     
  11. April16

    April16 Member

    The scary thing is to those who are sane, it does look as easy as "pulling yourself together". But when you can't trust your own thoughts, your own emotions; when you're clinically depressed sliding into suicidal, how do you "shake it off"? Your brain chemistry is all out of wack. Only someone who's been there knows what it's like.

    You can't "get over it", not unless it's a temporary or mild depression. I really don't care what they think...now, or after I shoot myself in the head. This is my last month to live and I really don't give a damn what my so-called "associates" think about it.
     
  12. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Wanting to be needed and heard is something I've desired for a long time. I personally look for that in a partner, a soulmate. Someone I can connect with. To me, that's like one of the most important things. So if whatever it is you desire is what you desire, and you find yourself aching for that a lot, don't let anyone else tell you what you need.

    oh well, I'm tired so I think I'm just doing crazy talk. Gonna try to lay meself down now.
     
  13. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Angel, you say that no one will notice that you are gone. That is not true. This thought is only because you feel unloved. But do you realize how important you are in god's eyes? I'm trying not to be religious, but the truth is the truth. How can you judge yourself and your value in this world? You might not feel worthy at the moment, but this is because of faulty thinking by you and by those who are looking at the world in the same way, which is very dysfunctional. This would get anyone to hurt themselves, IF IT WERE TRUE. But my research tells a different story. There is no truth in any of these ideas that would make god think less of you, or for the world to think less of you, unless those who are judging are dysfunctional due to their own problems. I really hope you understand what I'm saying and take it in. Please hear me. That's all I'm asking.
     
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