No Other Options

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gimpygal, Feb 5, 2012.

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  1. gimpygal

    gimpygal New Member

    I have a lot of mental problems. I know this. I have a hard time controlling my emotions. I break down easily. I am always depressed. I have terrible anxiety. It's been this way for my entire adult life. I think about suicide A LOT. It's like a craving. I don't think it would be hard to do. But it is very hard to resist.

    But no one in my life believes me. It's always been this way too. No matter how many breakdowns, no matter how many embarassing meltdowns at work. If I'm cutting myself, drinking, doing too many drugs. Any time I try to tell anyone that something is very wrong, they don't get it. They just say I need to toughen up. I try to toughen up. It seems like the harder I try, the harder and the faster I fall. I'm very embarassed. Very ashamed. I have no insurance. I'm the waiting list for free therapy. But it is a very long wait. And I've run out of time.

    I used to dance in strip clubs to make a living. I was good at that. I liked that. I was proud of myself for the first time in my life, proud of my ability to take care of myself. I could take all the time off I needed when things got bad. But the industry isn't what it used to be. Everything changed with the recession. I leave work with nothing more often than I leave with something. And I have to drink to keep it together at work. To even have a chance of making my bills, I would have to be dancing at least 5 days a week. That's a lot of booze. Booze that just makes things even worse the next day, further and further down the hole I go.

    my only other option was to let my parents help me through school. My parents neglected and abused me in high school. I got kicked out a lot. Once, when I was kicked out and had nowhere to go, I was raped. I fought off a second attempted sexual assault many years later. I told my mother about the attempted assault. Then the other day she started pressuring me to put in an application to work at a local restaurant. My mother knows the man who attempted to sexually assault me works at this restaurant. I told her I didn't want to work with a man who tried to rape me. She doesn't get it, or doesn't care. She's still pressuring me to try to work there. My father sides with my ex husband, who I left because he was allowing his child's mother to neglect and abuse the child and was covering it up for her.

    I don't feel like my parents care about what happened to me in those years. They've learned nothing. They still get chummy with other child abusers. They still would put me in proximity with a rapist again, given the chance. I don't want to depend on these people.

    I think I've run out of time. I will have no way of paying next months rent unless I work my ass off in the club. I think I would rather just die at this point. I've run out of options. I think I need to kill myself.
  2. jamesonnk

    jamesonnk Member

    First of all, I am very sorry. Even if no one else believes you, I do. Do you maybe have a friend you could stay with? I don't think you should take the waitressing job and am very sorry that your mother doesn't understand. Please don't kill yourself. It's true, things are really bad right now but, they won't be bad forever. Most often, when you have nothing else to lose, is when you start gaining. I know my words provide little comfort but I want you to know that I care. I care if you're doing ok. I'm sorry I'm not there to help you but depending on your location, maybe you could call a local anonymous crisis line? Please stay strong a little longer. You can message me absolutely whenever you feel like it. I'm wishing the very best for you.
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry to hear that you have had such a hard time. I believe you. I am sorry you were raped. And that there was another attempt made. Sounds like your parents tend to to be in denial. Personally, I think that denial is pretty common amongst abusive parents / people.

    It sounds like you have been a survivor though. That you found a way to make things work. Yes, things are falling apart for so many people financially. I am sorry that you are part of that whole huge mess. I got slammed by it also,.

    I always remember a teacher telling us in a 2 year course i was taking, that falling apart is another name for coming together in a different way, often stronger. Sometimes the old does have to fall away so the new can come in. Both personally, and even in civilizations, she said. I call the space in between "the vacume". And it is horrible and scary.

    As jamesonnk asked, do you have a friend, or anyone you can stay with for a bit of time? Until you can figure out what the next step is? Glad to hear that you do not want to drink every night. And that you know to not go to work for a person who tried to rape you. I think you have good survival skills. Of course that doesnt help the pain etc, does it ?

    Finally, glad you are here. This is a great website. Hope you will come and post here often. It can really help a lot. The people here are really caring, And we all know what pain feels like.
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