I have no one else to talk to, scream to, anyone who may seem to understand all of this crap or anyone who would actually give a shit either. I'm not sure how much longer I'll take this constant negativity from her, one of these days I'm going to speak my mind back. I just know they are feeling crap and scared and frustrated, so why should I add to those feelings by being honest? It seems odd just typing that, but thats how I feel. I have been handed enough guilt, its just not worth it to stir up anything additional as its difficult enough for me. In addition I keep messing up friendships, so a warning to anyone out there, don't even bother talking to me. Its not worth it. I'll screw it up. On top of everything else I got my mri results yesterday and am scared. Today I've gone through more tests and have more yet to go. What will I do, when I am alone, if these tests confirm all? How would it even be possible then for me to go on? It just feels like too, too much on top of everything else going on. Today, just for today, I wish to be able to make it through. Am over everything.
F it. That's sufficient to cover it all at this point. Why try, why share, why reach out , why trust, why accept this and of course why put myself through this by breathing? No good answers coming to mind.
inkrose: what did mri show? if you want to share all i can say Mo is just because a partner has a condition is no excuse for them to make you feel bad. of course for a while you allow a period of adjustment but you too are living it on a different level and sometimes you just have to remind them they are not the only ones hurting without being mean of course, as they prob wont see this side of it. you dont have to walk on eggshells, you are affected by things too and the longer you say nothing the worse things will get. allow yours to speak calmly about how the situation makes you feel too, and you too have issues to deal with. dont give up and we are always here :hug:
Thanks Ice - truly - for being the only one who responded. I realize that is stupid to say but I'm not particularly in a good place. I had some further tests today and now waiting on a CT also, will see what the full result is. Its scary. And it may well add even more reasons for me to not be here. I'm not sure I can cope, I'm pretty sure I can't. Not how I feel tonight. :cry:
