There seems to be no other way out except suicide. Its either that or this slow death that I am in now. I don't seem to cope with life very well and my parents - well, what can I say. My dad is dysfunctional - I can't stand him. He is manipulative and controlling - he will help me in small ways financially but in return for that I have to carry on not rocking the boat- masking my feelings and being caring towards - I've always been there for him. Ironically he talks about people being givers or takers because he has some money to give - but he doesnt realise that he is an emotional taker. Both my mum and dad were very young when they had me and I didn't get parented properly but they went on to have other children who they valued more. Fuck it, I want to go back and be a child for God's sake. I have no future - no useful qualifications, hardly any friends, no relationship, and I just know how to be there for other people - but noone is there for me. I'm trapped. I can't move because I have no job or income, I have no job because I've not been coping and got mentally ill. My parents just want me to be well for their own sakes - so that they can feel good about themselves - but when it comes to really being supportive they withdraw. I spend most days largely alone and I am thinking that I will have to save up for the method I want - it could take me a year or so to get it all sorted out. Then there is my son. I have tried to be there for him and care about him a LOT but I can't keep being there for him when I feel like this. The thing is that if I end my life, my blood sucking parents will shift all responsibility on to me and be there to suck the life out of him. I can't cope. I just can't cope with all the shit that there can be in life. Even things like washing up I struggle with - I only manage to pay the bills because they're on direct debit. I'm a fucking mess. A loser. I'm ugly and there's no prospect of meeting anyone. Basically my parents win - they have wanted it to be my fault that I've fucked up. I give in.