no other way out except suicide

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by failed, Apr 19, 2013.

  1. failed

    failed Member

    There seems to be no other way out except suicide. Its either that or this slow death that I am in now. I don't seem to cope with life very well and my parents - well, what can I say. My dad is dysfunctional - I can't stand him. He is manipulative and controlling - he will help me in small ways financially but in return for that I have to carry on not rocking the boat- masking my feelings and being caring towards - I've always been there for him. Ironically he talks about people being givers or takers because he has some money to give - but he doesnt realise that he is an emotional taker. Both my mum and dad were very young when they had me and I didn't get parented properly but they went on to have other children who they valued more. Fuck it, I want to go back and be a child for God's sake. I have no future - no useful qualifications, hardly any friends, no relationship, and I just know how to be there for other people - but noone is there for me. I'm trapped. I can't move because I have no job or income, I have no job because I've not been coping and got mentally ill. My parents just want me to be well for their own sakes - so that they can feel good about themselves - but when it comes to really being supportive they withdraw. I spend most days largely alone and I am thinking that I will have to save up for the method I want - it could take me a year or so to get it all sorted out.

    Then there is my son. I have tried to be there for him and care about him a LOT but I can't keep being there for him when I feel like this. The thing is that if I end my life, my blood sucking parents will shift all responsibility on to me and be there to suck the life out of him.

    I can't cope. I just can't cope with all the shit that there can be in life. Even things like washing up I struggle with - I only manage to pay the bills because they're on direct debit. I'm a fucking mess. A loser. I'm ugly and there's no prospect of meeting anyone. Basically my parents win - they have wanted it to be my fault that I've fucked up. I give in.
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    There's a lot here I can relate to.. (some I am kinda afraid to say here) I am kinda the odd one out as well.. I am on limited income.. I live in my parents garage.. I am on disability income for mental health reasons and have ideas and plans to get out of this mess.. I have been in unstable housing / homeless for over a year now.. But my friend who is in a similar situation is applying for disability so we can get our own housing. anyway didn't mean to rant about me.. But I really can relate a lot to ur situation. I am also stressed with waiting and what to do with my life. I hope u can figure something out.. don't let them win. I know I won't let them win.. :hug: good luck.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Do you have a professional hun to talk to someone outside the family who can guide you hun out of the depression your in hugs
  4. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    Have spoken to dr about how you are feeling and see what he/she suggests for you?
  5. failed

    failed Member

    I tried to get counselling a few years ago, but my doctor didn't think I was well enough/strong enough mentally - at least that was her reason for declining it. I felt knocked back by that and that it was really negative of my doctor, but I didn't have any fight in me to challenge what she said so I just went without. I have got an appointment in a couple of weeks to check some other things, so I will ask if I can again.

    I spoke with my mum today and she is preoccupied with supporting my younger brother and his wife who are due a baby. To be honest unless I kick up a fuss, she leaves me to it. Its mainly me that rings her now because I get so lonely unless she's about to grace me with one of her monthly visits. I live further away than my siblings which I think suits her.

    I can't stand the emotional angst and pain. It just seems to me that in life everybody is in competition with each other for survival and to get their needs met - and in my family, my parents made sure that they got their own needs met first, followed by my siblings and I was last on the list. In fact I know that's what happened. I can't stand them. I wish so much that I could either just disappear, or else something really off the scale amazing would happen like winning the lottery and then I could move right away and get the chance to do things that I've really wanted to do and just distance myself from them. But realistically the lottery isn't going to happen, and its wearing me down being on my own all the time - it reminds me of being a child and being left alone in my room and being expected to keep myself occupied.
  6. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I think it's a great idea to ask about therapy again. It might help to concentrate on yourself and what you need for yourself rather than your parents' deficiencies.
  7. Ms_invisible

    Ms_invisible Member

    Well talking about it helps. I chatted with you the other day and you seem like a very nice person. Someone above suggested getting into therapy... Maybe that's a way for you to vent about things? They can give you helpful advice :) Your son is still there and loves you, and im sure you're a great parent. My mom always tells me about how fucked up she is as a mom because of the way she acts and feels towards me... My reaction to that is, do something about it. You have it in you to do something about it. Chin up, don't let yourself get brought down. Try to be less around the people you don't like and be around those you actually like. Having people around you with bad energy, makes you have the bad energy too, when someone is mad or sad you'll start feeling the same way. Think about yourself sometimes and screw whose done you wrong and fight for those who are worth it and most of all, do it for yourself and your son. You have the power in you to change life the way you want it to be, just got to find it. Once you found the power to change things for the better in your life, positive will come to you again too :) Positive atracts positive.
  8. PsychT1987

    PsychT1987 New Member

    Do you truly want them to win? You direct your anger towards how you were treated by them. You want to give them the satisfaction they deserve by your death. However, anger and frustration appear to hinder you. You were held back by your parents. However, I don't believe in vent your frustrations out on yourself or anyone. Suggest you use that fire to motivate your life. If you want to stick it to them succeed. Live every day. You probably have a lot of years left on life. Discover your psssions your goals. You seem to have a lot of issues with parenting that have effected how you parent. Why don't you learn about family issues. Your experience with knowledge would be a great assest to the behavorial health field. Please don't give up and don't give up on your son. You be as you say your dad giving up on you.