No part of my life has any duration.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ItThing, Jun 7, 2008.

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  1. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    I just feel like if it ended today, it would not be an end, because nothing is going on in my life. I've spent years watching other people, they talk so much, so much goes on in their lives. I am not going anywhere. Sometimes I get up and try again, but for the moment, I just feel scared of the nothingness that's inside me. If I go upstairs now and try to kill myself,
    nothing happened.​
    How do I gain a sense of life, like something that happened yesterday will be the same tomorrow? Like if I work hard enough over time something good will happen? Like I CAN FUCKING WRITE MY FEELINGS DOWN AND HAVE THE WORDS BE TRUE FIVE MINUTES LATER!!!
    Like I really am dying, because if I don't feel like time is running out, is time passing at all? And like I'm not already dead, like time isn't slipping faster and faster and that any moment now, it'll all be over.
    and nothing happened.​
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    I feel EXACTLY the same way. But it's ok. Things will happen. And if they don't so what. Don't get so worried about it. Worry is the worst part.
  3. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    But I want to MAKE things happen, and I just feel too weak. I don't even feel like I have memories worth keeping. What if my fears come true?
  4. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni

    Well face them instead of waiting for them to come true.
    Instead of making things happen try allowing things to happen. Things happen at the right time for me when I'm not trying to force anything.
    Also I think we all have a nothingness inside ourselves. An inherent emptiness that all living things are born with. Embrace it. Don't be afraid of it
  5. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    I can totally identify with the line "I've spent years watching other people, they talk so much, so much goes on in their lives. I am not going anywhere."

    The remedy to the emptiness may be setting up a personal goal for yourself.(applies to me&you&everybody)

    Just from the few sentences you've written, I can sense that you still have a burning passion for life, you're dying to go out, do stuff and make things happen.

    What do you really want in life? What is the one thing that makes you go "bar none, this is what I truly wanted, it's life or death for me"?

    We all ask ourselves that one question. What is the one thing I want in life?

    Is it performing music? doing voiceovers? building computers? or helping the less fortunate?
    What is IT for you? well I ask myself everyday.

    Every hour doesn't seem so wasted and meaningless when we know what we want and work to achieve it.

    Maybe I'm being too ambitious and 'emo' about it, I don't know.... but I've watched many people who found their passion and they seem to enjoy every minute of their lives.
    So.. maybe I have a point.

    Good luck.. mate.
  6. Xenos

    Xenos Well-Known Member

    Ah, we have something in common... =) I can understand that annoying feeling of being weak... I agree with saeyoon chung. Let's both find that 'passion', and to fight back those negative feelings.
  7. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Thanks all! I feel a bit better now, knowing I am not alone with this problem and that there are people I can talk to when I need support. However, I have no idea what I want. I have just spent many minutes thinking about how to explain this in more detail, but I cannot, I don't see myself wanting something that is inherently possible. It's hard to explain. I always want to believe I am better than anyone else, just because then people might pay more attention to me. As a child my parents explained that I was rejected by others because I was different, and that meant there was a special thing only I could do. That the other children are, in fact, jealous. For many years I've been obsessed with thinking of ways in which I am better than others, and when I am not deeply depressed I tend to brag and try to impress people. Perhaps this is not uncommon, but I know that as long as I have difficulty with people around me, I will constantly be impressed because I will never be unique enough or special enough to explain my enstrangement from average society. I have some talents, but I always lack the motivation to pursue the development of those talents. This is unreasonable - I want to be recognised by everyone as someone of worth. As a result, all my hopes and dreams are completely megalomaniacal, and knowing that I will never be good enough deters me from trying to be even a little better. I wish I had one person who I truly admired and loved, and that I could admire and love back. Then I would not be so bent on acheiving only the impossible.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Well there are positive things in your life. One you get out and work. It sounds like you don't have a problem getting out. Myself I have isolated myself in my bedroom for the last fourteen years. My therapist has started getting me out more but I still don't feel safe doing it.
    Something you might want to do is change your focus to yourself instead of comparing it with others. If you aren't in therapy, you will find speaking to one will be very uplifting. It takes time to acheive the things you want out of life.
    The more you open up with one the sooner they will have you doing things you didn't think possible. When you are down log on to the SF. Everyone here has different problems, but if you listen to what they are saying it will give you that xtra positive energy to help pick yourself back up.
    I don't know if this helps. I wish you luck and stay strong::chopper:
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