No Passion in my Life.

[Forgotten_Man]

So I am not sure if this is the right place for this thread... but it seems like the best place.

So I got to thinking, because that is all I can do these days. And the way I was raised was to never get passionate. My mom raised me to never be passionate always be on top of real life. I was basically taught that being passionate would lead to neglect and that neglect lead to bad things, such as being poor or starving. I cannot be either of those and passion leads to those two things.

She stressed that I should only be passionate when things are taken care of. So normally I get done living life about 21:00 - 0:00 and I need to go to sleep then. And then a day starts a new. And I need to get all things out of the way then. And generally by the time I am all done I am too tired or it is too late or something else pops up. So yeah I have no time to be passionate.

And really since I have never experienced this sort of thing in my life I don't think I am capable of doing it anymore really. I mean I have things I like in my life things that I might enjoy. But whenever I start to get serious I get this HORRIBLE pain in the pit of my stomach and severe anxiety and the activity is no longer fun. My body reacts poorly to passion because I am scared of it really. It is kind of sad.

Now this is a problem, because I will never be able to let go. When I lie around plotting my worthless existence, should I never find the will to end it. Everything is done out in contracts and legal stuff to ensure life is in check. I mean I lie around plotting how I will decide if I will have sex with someone. I won't ever just go for it on a limb. I will get this anxiety once it starts happening and most likely freak out. Or when someone I might love needs me I don't ever think that I will be able to drop everything and go to them. Nope not a chance. I will go to them when I have the time.

I don't know, just some thoughts that were bouncing around in my head as I lie in bed trying to sleep.

 

[WeepingWillow]

:hug: I am still learning how to live my own life, not how any one person thinks I should. You will find there are people who appreciate the passion you demonstrate, when it happens. It will be as efforltess as breathing. I used to be that way until i got to the place I am now. I sort of lost who I was.
But I do know what the lighter side feels like and I truly hope you find what you are looking for. Once in awhile it's ok to say screw it-chuck the responsibilities for a time and do something u want to do, not what you have to do. Eventually, it will be easier to make time for it and then it will just happen. I am curious how old you are. It's hard to push back what was taught to us when it's the only thing we know. We are capable of change.
I got some good advice lately. Everything is temporary and sometimes you have to just go along with the tide until it takes you somewhere else. We may be in charge of our own lives, but not in every single step. I hope I don't sound like I'm full of crap. Every person has passion. Just tap it out.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

:hug: I am still learning how to live my own life, not how any one person thinks I should. You will find there are people who appreciate the passion you demonstrate, when it happens. It will be as efforltess as breathing. I used to be that way until i got to the place I am now. I sort of lost who I was.
But I do know what the lighter side feels like and I truly hope you find what you are looking for. Once in awhile it's ok to say screw it-chuck the responsibilities for a time and do something u want to do, not what you have to do. Eventually, it will be easier to make time for it and then it will just happen. I am curious how old you are. It's hard to push back what was taught to us when it's the only thing we know. We are capable of change.
I got some good advice lately. Everything is temporary and sometimes you have to just go along with the tide until it takes you somewhere else. We may be in charge of our own lives, but not in every single step. I hope I don't sound like I'm full of crap. Every person has passion. Just tap it out.

I don't demonstarte it period.... and I never will.. my mind is built with plenty of safe guards.

Well I think the only thing I am looking for is death. That is the best way to chuck all responsibilities. It is never easy, I always worry even when I am done with my stuff. I am 21, I am fucked really.

And yes everything is temporary. Just some temporary things are tied together. Like my shitty existence and my life they will only end together.

 

[WeepingWillow]

I honestly feel there is more to your life. or there can be. Worrying is okay sometimes but having influence can eventally teach you there is more to life. It takes while.
It sounds like you feel numb to everything. You can be in charge of your own life and eventually find something u love. Sometimes it really does take outside influences. It takes being away from the situation or environment that made you feel that way and you can learn to live.
And you're not fucked. I know you feel that way. I feel I am too.
No one on this earth is a wasted existence. Period.
Keep talking to us. Tell us more on how you feel. IM me. Let people know what you need. Take care.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

I honestly feel there is more to your life. or there can be. Worrying is okay sometimes but having influence can eventally teach you there is more to life. It takes while.
It sounds like you feel numb to everything. You can be in charge of your own life and eventually find something u love. Sometimes it really does take outside influences. It takes being away from the situation or environment that made you feel that way and you can learn to live.
And you're not fucked. I know you feel that way. I feel I am too.
No one on this earth is a wasted existence. Period.
Keep talking to us. Tell us more on how you feel. IM me. Let people know what you need. Take care.

No not numb yet... I am trying to get there... and I will never be away from my situation since my situation is my existence. The only way to escape that is to die... which is what I want to do.

As far IMing you... sorry I am in trouble here I cannot access that information about you. But you can IM me no problem.

 

[immure]

i would have said u already are a very passionate person. hence why ur mom maybe was tryin to get u to dicipline it so u could be as constructive as passionate. ever thread i ever read u passionately read and respond to each individual and there ideas and thoughts. u have little compassion for urself though. maybe u should start here and then the rest wil fall into plcae so u can better see it. i do agree with ur parenting to some level. passion does need to be disaplined to some level. just think of this phrase "crimes of passion" i have had many things haooen to me outta passion that where less then constructive. but beyond that i say practise some compsssion on urself and u will see things in a new light.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

i would have said u already are a very passionate person. hence why ur mom maybe was tryin to get u to dicipline it so u could be as constructive as passionate. ever thread i ever read u passionately read and respond to each individual and there ideas and thoughts. u have little compassion for urself though. maybe u should start here and then the rest wil fall into plcae so u can better see it. i do agree with ur parenting to some level. passion does need to be disaplined to some level. just think of this phrase "crimes of passion" i have had many things haooen to me outta passion that where less then constructive. but beyond that i say practise some compsssion on urself and u will see things in a new light.

Passion? My posts? No those are not passionate. Far from it really. I just put down my thoughts at the time. That is far from passionate, if I as truly passionate I would not be here.

So I have no clue what compassion is... what is it?

 

[WeepingWillow]

compassion. i would have to say its the ability to listen and interact with people. it's the ability to see other people have feelings and needs. its the yearning we have to have other people in our lives. there's more to it than that, but that's the basic gist, to me.
While others see you as passionate and you do not, you must have some want or need for it, since you see what it is and you think you don't have it. You recognize that. I believe you can have it. Even anger is some sort of passion, but what you want can only come from you, not something other people can draw out of you. You may feel you will never have it. But I believe you go on and you find it. That's part of the reason why a lot of us go on. We believe we can get something we're looking for. Some of us find it, some of us give up. It's the people who give up who obviously don't get what they want, they couldn't hang on long enough. Waiting sucks, I'll give you that. But you don't just sit and wait. You DO while you're waiting. I'm rambling. I know what I mean but it's hard to get across. I hope someone finds something in here they can explain bettter.

 

[immure]

i would say u passionately answer my the way its u then someone then u then someone then u then someone. u passionately hold how u see things and are willing to take the time and energy to bring it to everyone. as for compassion i agree with weepin willow. just add those acts to oneself from onself and u have what i sugested to u to open up the gates of passion.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

compassion. i would have to say its the ability to listen and interact with people. it's the ability to see other people have feelings and needs. its the yearning we have to have other people in our lives. there's more to it than that, but that's the basic gist, to me.
While others see you as passionate and you do not, you must have some want or need for it, since you see what it is and you think you don't have it. You recognize that. I believe you can have it. Even anger is some sort of passion, but what you want can only come from you, not something other people can draw out of you. You may feel you will never have it. But I believe you go on and you find it. That's part of the reason why a lot of us go on. We believe we can get something we're looking for. Some of us find it, some of us give up. It's the people who give up who obviously don't get what they want, they couldn't hang on long enough. Waiting sucks, I'll give you that. But you don't just sit and wait. You DO while you're waiting. I'm rambling. I know what I mean but it's hard to get across. I hope someone finds something in here they can explain bettter.

So basically compassion is just listening to others? I have done plenty of that.

I guess we all want what we don't have in our lives. Something about the grass always being greener.

Then I guess the question would be why look? I have always had to look it is really not fair. I put much effort into it, trying to find stuff. In the end it was always futile. But yet everywhere around me I see others finding what they want without trouble. Can you explain why I am the one who gets trouble and the others do not?

i would say u passionately answer my the way its u then someone then u then someone then u then someone. u passionately hold how u see things and are willing to take the time and energy to bring it to everyone. as for compassion i agree with weepin willow. just add those acts to oneself from onself and u have what i sugested to u to open up the gates of passion.

I don't really answer passionatly, like I said. I just answer with what I see nothing more. It is the people here who seem to want to hold on to some kind of truth or beliefe that I am just making things up. Which I am not, and it annoys the hell out of me.

 

[WeepingWillow]

there's more to compassion than that. its listenting and caring, sympathy and empathy
it's also getting the same in return. You deserve that.
It seems easy to look at someone and think it's easy for them or they have it good. We never know all of someone's story. I was one of those people. People always thought I got what I wanted, I had it good, etc but I didnt.
I made sure it didnt look like it so it made other things easier to deal with.
Life is harder for some people than others. But we turn out stronger too. We value life more when we get what we want accomplished. And it's never impossible.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

there's more to compassion than that. its listenting and caring, sympathy and empathy
it's also getting the same in return. You deserve that.
It seems easy to look at someone and think it's easy for them or they have it good. We never know all of someone's story. I was one of those people. People always thought I got what I wanted, I had it good, etc but I didnt.
I made sure it didnt look like it so it made other things easier to deal with.
Life is harder for some people than others. But we turn out stronger too. We value life more when we get what we want accomplished. And it's never impossible.

The problem is that I have nothing that I want to accomplish... my life has no worth really. And many more peoples lives are easier because things come easier to them. Many more things that I will never have.

And I don't believe in that "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger" I generally believe that "What does not kill you will leave you crippled and in pain"

 

[Luliby]

I asked my T that just today, "Why am I getting all this bad #$@! in my life. Other people have love, get to hold on to loved ones, can have a house, car and job. How come everything I get falls apart. It must be me or something I'm doing."

And he had an interesting answer, he said, "It's not you, none of this is your fault. It's the result of turbulence pre-existing before your choice. turbulence continues to carry you with it and your life continues to cuffer more distrubences as a result. For example, If you are low on money and a check bounces what do they do, they chanrge you an addition $50.00. Well, if you had money to begin with you wouldn't have overdrafted and now your contending with even LESS money. Also, your credit goes down so now your going to have trouble borrowing or getting money. And if you do it's going to be at such an outrageous interest rate it's practically robbery. Meanwhile, others with money get lower interest rates, have no penalties, and even get incentives... "

It's not you. It's not fair. Radical Acceptance teaches us to accept what you have and work with that. However, what we have is a very difficult illness that spins us into misfortune like an empty bank account. It makes life more difficult in many areas. More difficult but not impossible. It's even fixable with help like meds, this forum, a T, what ever help you need.

You can think of your resources and motivation as like a bank account. When you have energy and motivation you have a full account and can write checks, help others, give of yourself more. But, when your energy is low and the depression is taking it's toll then reaching out and helping others is like writing checks without money in the account. It wears us out and depletes what little we have in us.

Take care of yourself. Try to get assests IN your energy and motivation account, ask and seek help when needed. your worth it.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

I asked my T that just today, "Why am I getting all this bad #$@! in my life. Other people have love, get to hold on to loved ones, can have a house, car and job. How come everything I get falls apart. It must be me or something I'm doing."

And he had an interesting answer, he said, "It's not you, none of this is your fault. It's the result of turbulence pre-existing before your choice. turbulence continues to carry you with it and your life continues to cuffer more distrubences as a result. For example, If you are low on money and a check bounces what do they do, they chanrge you an addition $50.00. Well, if you had money to begin with you wouldn't have overdrafted and now your contending with even LESS money. Also, your credit goes down so now your going to have trouble borrowing or getting money. And if you do it's going to be at such an outrageous interest rate it's practically robbery. Meanwhile, others with money get lower interest rates, have no penalties, and even get incentives... "

It's not you. It's not fair. Radical Acceptance teaches us to accept what you have and work with that. However, what we have is a very difficult illness that spins us into misfortune like an empty bank account. It makes life more difficult in many areas. More difficult but not impossible. It's even fixable with help like meds, this forum, a T, what ever help you need.

You can think of your resources and motivation as like a bank account. When you have energy and motivation you have a full account and can write checks, help others, give of yourself more. But, when your energy is low and the depression is taking it's toll then reaching out and helping others is like writing checks without money in the account. It wears us out and depletes what little we have in us.

Take care of yourself. Try to get assests IN your energy and motivation account, ask and seek help when needed. your worth it.

Hmmm... interesting way of looking at it. It is not your fault but it is your fault as well... uhhh boy this is going to hurt... I guess I would have to ask your T How you build up you account? I mean seriously, I have poured time and effort into being happy and motivated before but to no Avail. So what do I just have a low income in that field?