So I am not sure if this is the right place for this thread... but it seems like the best place. So I got to thinking, because that is all I can do these days. And the way I was raised was to never get passionate. My mom raised me to never be passionate always be on top of real life. I was basically taught that being passionate would lead to neglect and that neglect lead to bad things, such as being poor or starving. I cannot be either of those and passion leads to those two things. She stressed that I should only be passionate when things are taken care of. So normally I get done living life about 21:00 - 0:00 and I need to go to sleep then. And then a day starts a new. And I need to get all things out of the way then. And generally by the time I am all done I am too tired or it is too late or something else pops up. So yeah I have no time to be passionate. And really since I have never experienced this sort of thing in my life I don't think I am capable of doing it anymore really. I mean I have things I like in my life things that I might enjoy. But whenever I start to get serious I get this HORRIBLE pain in the pit of my stomach and severe anxiety and the activity is no longer fun. My body reacts poorly to passion because I am scared of it really. It is kind of sad. Now this is a problem, because I will never be able to let go. When I lie around plotting my worthless existence, should I never find the will to end it. Everything is done out in contracts and legal stuff to ensure life is in check. I mean I lie around plotting how I will decide if I will have sex with someone. I won't ever just go for it on a limb. I will get this anxiety once it starts happening and most likely freak out. Or when someone I might love needs me I don't ever think that I will be able to drop everything and go to them. Nope not a chance. I will go to them when I have the time. I don't know, just some thoughts that were bouncing around in my head as I lie in bed trying to sleep.