After hitting 40 I realize that this society does not have much use for a middle age woman. My children are raised, I have no husband, a good paying job which is the only way I can continue to pay for my boys college. I did not have the opportunity to go to college, so at this point in my life my job is my only option in giving my boys a chance that I never had (to be able to work in a job that brings them fulfillment in life). I can't live in a man's world anymore that only values youth and beauty. I have spent thousands on plastic surgery, I feel that I am attractive, I maintain the "bubbly" everything's alright facade, but I can't seem to develop the right perception to fit into this world. My feeling of total displacement is too much to take. I have considered going to college, but I could not afford it and my financial bracket would not allow me financial aid. I realize a mother's role is self scarifice, but for the past 8 years it has become too painful. I told myself 4 years ago that if I did not find a glimmer of hope to I would commit suicide. No one knows that I am planning this, in fact no one knows the depths of my discontent. I have told many people about my sadness, but being the "strong one" my whole life, they don't know how deeply I am affected. The fact of the matter is they don't really want to hear it, because I have always been the rock and it makes them feel uncomfortable to hear me cry. So I don't. The last time I did they suggested that I go on paxil. I have lost all faith in modern medicine as I know the root of this fascist, deceptive business. This is not an option. I have been down the self help road for many years...the positive thinking, the "Secret", meditation, spent years doing charitiy help (those who help others, help themselves....). Still painfully discontent and displaced. I know my kids would be sad, but I feel that my pain of living with this horrible lonliness and discontent surpasses the trauma they will go through. They will eventually get over it. I don' plan to check out until my son's last year of college is paid for and they will both get big chunk of money to start their lives with from the sale of my home. I think its pitiful that I am turning to a computer screen for help, but I don't know what else to do. I am looking for someone who can help me find a reason to stay or the strength to leave. I suppose a non response to this posting would help me find the strength to leave, so perhaps that's why I am here.