no place for a middle age woman

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fitall60, Feb 4, 2008.

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  1. fitall60

    fitall60 New Member

    After hitting 40 I realize that this society does not have much use for a middle age woman. My children are raised, I have no husband, a good paying job which is the only way I can continue to pay for my boys college. I did not have the opportunity to go to college, so at this point in my life my job is my only option in giving my boys a chance that I never had (to be able to work in a job that brings them fulfillment in life).

    I can't live in a man's world anymore that only values youth and beauty. I have spent thousands on plastic surgery, I feel that I am attractive, I maintain the "bubbly" everything's alright facade, but I can't seem to develop the right perception to fit into this world. My feeling of total displacement is too much to take.

    I have considered going to college, but I could not afford it and my financial bracket would not allow me financial aid. I realize a mother's role is self scarifice, but for the past 8 years it has become too painful. I told myself 4 years ago that if I did not find a glimmer of hope to I would commit suicide.

    No one knows that I am planning this, in fact no one knows the depths of my discontent. I have told many people about my sadness, but being the "strong one" my whole life, they don't know how deeply I am affected. The fact of the matter is they don't really want to hear it, because I have always been the rock and it makes them feel uncomfortable to hear me cry. So I don't.

    The last time I did they suggested that I go on paxil.

    I have lost all faith in modern medicine as I know the root of this fascist, deceptive business. This is not an option.

    I have been down the self help road for many years...the positive thinking, the "Secret", meditation, spent years doing charitiy help (those who help others, help themselves....). Still painfully discontent and displaced.

    I know my kids would be sad, but I feel that my pain of living with this horrible lonliness and discontent surpasses the trauma they will go through. They will eventually get over it. I don' plan to check out until my son's last year of college is paid for and they will both get big chunk of money to start their lives with from the sale of my home.

    I think its pitiful that I am turning to a computer screen for help, but I don't know what else to do. I am looking for someone who can help me find a reason to stay or the strength to leave. I suppose a non response to this posting would help me find the strength to leave, so perhaps that's why I am here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2008
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi, i'm sorry to read you are feeling so down and alone. even if you don't want anti-depressants i would still recommend talking to your doctor and being honest about how suicidal you are feeling. the simple fact that your brain is convincing you that you are ready to die is a warning bell, no matter how you rationalize it by saying there is no place for you, your sons will get over it, etc. it might be depression, it might be something else, but only a professional can tell you. this *is* serious and i ask you to try again with your doctor or someone who can refer you to mental health services. i will say the best part of my treatment has nothing to do with the psych or meds, but the community nurse who i see a couple times a week for a chat, and advice on nutrition, exercise, and general wellbeing. well that, and the art therapy.

    i am about your age (well, 42 so maybe a tiny bit older) and also female. i might be depressed, now, and fighting suicide but i'm also many other things, including a writer and artist. there's alot of art i haven't made yet, and that gives me some encouragement. 40 is young, it really is. who knows what gifts you have to share with the world once you beat this.

  3. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    Hi, I hope you find happiness and contentment.

    All I'd like to say is that before you go from this world you wanna really say that you gave it every chance you could, antidepressants are one of those chances, so even if you don't want to go on them now, you should still consider them for the future. It is not a choice to be made lightly because they all have side effects, but you should not dismiss it as an option, talk to your doctor about it.

    Take care
  4. Hi...

    I'm sorry to say that I too can really identify with your total disillusionment with this society, agism, trying to start over and having so many obstacles in the way, financial and otherwise. I'm 46 myself, and while I haven't had a family of my own, I was rather 'hijacked' into caring for elderly parents for many years, through often terrible and constant crises. While I can't relate to your specific circumstances, I too, could not overcome a great and ever-growing despair in that it felt like my life was "stolen", without my consent. I once used to joke that I still didn't know what I was going to be when I "grew up". And with the onset of perimenopause (which you could well also be encountering! Ugh!!) on top of all else, I had truly given up (in the same sense you express)...

    I too, for near all my life actually, felt I did not/could not fit into this world. I think, well, I fairly know, that many women encounter these devastating feelings - which are VERY real - of having given up so much, without a seeming reward or compensation, and without any acknowledgement. We are very much taken for granted - which is also a fundamental flaw in society and has long been. This time of life (as much as any other I suppose) is full of inner turmoil and conflicting feelings. However, at this particular age, if we haven't been "introspective" before now, coming upon these truths is nothing short of OVERWHELMING!

    Again, I feel for you(!), and I think you're actually very brave to write. Not all women do this, but continue to suffer (and truly so) in silence and isolation - not to mention the feelings of underlying guilt for being 'selfish' (which is actually 'self CARE')... It may seem like a small thing, but if you embark on this 'new' journey, of trying to find your voice (and purpose), and not easily done - you may in fact be taking steps towards the things you wish to change (perhaps, the first time) - for YOURSELF!

  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Good Lord!!!:eek:hmy: Here comes another to fit right in with you :sad:

    Have you noticed how invisible you get as you get older:blink::unsure:
    I feel used up, useless and all the joy of life has somehow been drained away.
    I did go to uni just before I hit 40 and loved every minute of it, but that now just seems a long and distant memory and the UK is so ageist that it didnt help with work in the least.:dry:
    What is really sad is the things that used to give me such pleasure are now just something I used to do.:sad:

    Sorry have just realised there is nothing in this post to uplift you and has turned into a long whinge, it's just you put so eloquently exactly how I feel.
  6. quitecontrary

    quitecontrary New Member

    All I can is WOW... a kindred spirit.
  7. forlorn

    forlorn Staff Alumni

    age is a state of mind. Im a single father, where you been all my life:smile:
  8. worlds edge

    worlds edge Well-Known Member

    Sorry but I find phrases like "glimmer of hope" to be rather vague. Do you have anything specific in mind here? Especially since if you identify said "glimmer of hope" it sounds like you'll rethink just about every intellectual and emotional premise you're operating under. If it is some sort of sociological thing like the complete overturn of all current political structures, well that probably isn't going to happen any time soon. If it is something like learning how to live with and maybe value what you've got, I doubt I could personally be of much help there, but I'll bet there are a lot of quite sincere people here who'd be willing to at least try to help you with that.

    My personal opinion: Overall it seems you've paid your dues, have acted with scrupulous responsibility for your entire life and should be able to undertake whatever course you choose with no guilt and no remorse. However, both by natural inclination and the rules that this site is run under I'm not going to offer you or anyone else any active encouragment for a decision that I feel pretty strongly has to be made by an individual on their own and after due deliberation.

    In any event, it seems you look at suicide as a conditional thing. Under one set of circumstances you proceed, under another you do not. Is that a fair statement? Hence my emphasis on just one small portion of your post. To my eyes, rightly or wrongly, it seems like the most important part.

    Oh, and welcome to SF. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing...I guess it is bad in the sense that you felt compelled to sign up, but good in the sense that there are some good people here, assuming you decide to stay. Whatever you ultimately decide.


  9. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Don't give up just because society makes it seem like there's no place for middle aged women.
    It sounds like you've endured alot and yet still you've come out strong.

    No matter what, there will always be a place for you because without people like you in the world, it would all be sour.

    It also sounds like your missing a good man in your life. Ever thought about joining a club which specializes in your interests and hobbies? You never know, you might find a genuine guy.
  10. "It also sounds like your missing a good man in your life. Ever thought about joining a club which specializes in your interests and hobbies? You never know, you might find a genuine guy."


    Both are unfortunately rather equally UNhelpful...
  11. fitall60

    fitall60 New Member

    WOW! I never expected such heartfelt responses. I have to say that every one of you offered wonderful advice and insights. It's so hard to go though the day with a long face and sad demeanor, but even more, its harder not to. Sometimes the facade of "everything is okay" is so emotionally draining, but I did feel some relief in venting this way.

    Working in a fast paced business world does not have room for any emotional issues, that's for sure. How screwed up the priorities of the human race has become, or perhaps its just my own morbid perception for some sort of karmic teaching. But regardless, I just know I can't take it much longer.

    In all honesty I don't know if my mind can be changed, but I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I wish society could be more like this forum, perhaps then, there would be no need for this forum.

    I don't know who created this forum (it was the first one that came up in Google), but many blessings to you all, beautiful Souls.
  12. nedflanders

    nedflanders Well-Known Member

    Hi fitall, and welcome to the depressed middle agers' club. In case you haven't noticed by now, you're not alone. The suicide rate for middle aged men, at least, is actually higher than that of teenage boys.

    Regarding your resistance to antidepressants, you're probably pushing it a bit too far. Antidepressants are not terribly effective drugs, but they are a little bit better than placebos. And placebos are actually fairly effective in psychiatric diseases. The side effects of SSRIs are relatively minor. The main thing is that it takes a fair amount of work over a period of several months to evaluate different SSRIs and work out an optimal dose. And all of them are more effective when combined with various talk therapies. So it's possible that you'll be able to get some noticeable relief, but it won't happen quickly, easily, or cheaply. Yes, that sounds like the story of our lives, eh?

    I also wanted to underline something that gmork had to say:

    A "glimmer of hope" really is far too vague a measurement to make any sort of decision on, much less an important one. It's also a measurement that's far too easily swayed by your feelings, rather than by objective reality. My suggestion is to get a lot more specific in how you evaluate your life, and try to separate measurements of how happy/sad you are from other measurements of your circumstances.

    As an outsider, I can immediately suggest a glimmer of hope to you--in a few years, your boys' college educations will be paid for, and more importantly, complete (if they have their acts together). That'll free up significant resources of time and cash to be spent in more pleasurable ways. I'm sure you realize that already, but my point is, again, to separate measurements of mood from other measurements of your circumstances.

    Indeed, we're all grown-ups around here ("Except for you, nedflanders!" I can hear the other users thinking). And with that comes a reasonable degree of perspective and the ability to look upon things from a reasonable distance. It sounds like you've worked pretty hard to get where you are now. We all realize there's no magic formula to fix the circumstances of our lives, or the way we feel about them. You don't need us to validate any of your decisions. But since you've asked (in a way), let me suggest that you approach the Big Decision with as much care, objectivity, hard-nosed realism, and even selfish greed, as you would use in deciding to invest a large amount of money.

  13. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    I have nothing to add really.
    But there is one thing I do wish to add.
    Your perception on yourself being invisible at 40.
    Not everyone will agree. I do not. Although I am a 29 year old male, I have always had intense attractions to women who are over 40. The reason being is that they are far more confident in themselves, far better looking, much more mature and very dignified.
    I have never liked fresh faced youth. I'm not sure why, I just dont. To me it indicates naivety, immaturity, insecurity and inexperience. I love laughter lines around the eyes, commonly known as crows feet. I love the lines at the corners of the mouth. I love the onset of greying hair, it looks so mature and wise. Match all this to a pair of eyes which have smiled and laughed every day for 40 years, and that is one killer woman!

    You probably think this is a prank, but it is not. In my opinion, 40+ women are often the most attractive. This has been my problem. I have only ever had one younger girlfriend in my life. As the older woman/younger man mold does not work generally, I simply cannot wait until I am 50, so I can date 40 somethings.

    Fuck the younger girls, the only reason men are attracted to them is because it makes them feel good and feeds their (mens) egos. It rarely has anything to do with the personality of the girl.

    I suppose I am a bit different, but only because I am very interested in the human, spiritual and personality side of humanity, and not my own ego, status and image.

    The thought of finding a 25 year old to date fills me with inertia. Too young, too inexperienced, too immature and in a lot of cases, still at the selfish self obsessed stage.

    Enough said, now where are my pipe and slippers?
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2008
  14. (I think I'm in LOVE!) :rolleyes:

    "now where are my pipe and slippers?"
    ...the last place you left them, Sweetness...
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2008
  15. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    What are you rolling your eyes for?
  16. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    He's nearer to me Found :laugh: same country at least :laugh:
  17. zoebaby

    zoebaby Well-Known Member

    Hi, you have just said exacly how I feel everyday, it's good to know that I am not alone. It does seem as you get older that you're not valued very much, i can remember when I was always the youngest in the room, at the workplace etc... when people woud ask my date of birth and I would feel proud to tell them, it seem's to be a very hard adjustment getting older, it has been for me, i know. And i hate feeling invisible. I dont know, i just pray a lot that god would help me deal with all of these bad feelings. I also think that you should rethink about going and trying an anti depressant. I took zoloft 3 years ago and it worked wonderful, I was at a very bad place, crying a lot, feeling very bad, and I always rejected the idea of taking medication, I felt like that was for loser's. But the medication really worked!! I started feeling much better, more energectic, not feeling so hopeless. Unfortunatly im back at that place, but this time Im going to get back on medication, I dont want to feel like this if there is another alternative, which I know there is. Finally maybe a bit of good news, I was watching on tv the other night, 20/20 or something like that, and they were talking about getting older and depression and they said that right around our age ( im 39, yuck!!) that women go through depression, but around 44 women start feeling better, one woman said that she outgrew her funk and is now the happiest she has ever been!!! Maybe there is hope.They said after 44 women start feeling better, even being the happiest and most contented of their life. But I still want to be 32 again, lol. Dont feel bad their are a lot of us in the same boat.I feel better just knowing that, take care . :hug:
  18. liveinhope

    liveinhope Well-Known Member

    Hi hun this was the wrong place to think or perhaps hope a little that you may not get a reply becouse people here are genuine and care.

    I am in a very similar situation to you same sort of age have boys to. I to am always thought to be the strong one when in truth i spend as much time thinking of leaving as i do about staying, but they dont know that, as mothers we shelter them from all those negative thoughts dont want to interfere with their lives, as they are young and have theirs ahead to live fully and without the worry of their parent. Im happy to talk more with you if u feel it may help either in chat or pm or on msn hun

    Please dont feel you are alone with your thoughts there are many here that have similar ones and will be happy to talk
    Take Care
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