no place

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by soliloquise, Feb 8, 2009.

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  1. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i think i have tonight realised i have no place on this site. but i will review it when iam less upset.

    i came here to help. as a trained professional person Bsc psych and iga certificates who had a lot of experience in mental health ( some 20 yrs ) and great references. i got ill 2.5 yrs ago and have been in rapid decline with physical disability since. i am now on morphine and in chronic pain . my life and quality of is so bad that i have and do consider euthanasia despite being pregnant

    i cam ehere to take my mind off my own miserable existance and to try to help others, in turn that would help me too. i have failed totally.

    i have met some v nice people here but also seen things that remind me why i have never rated being alive. unkindness, lies, false attempts, real ones, peer bullying, selfishness... this site is like a replica of society. to be honest i am a bit disgusted to find them here but that is people for you

    i have tried my best to help those i could, both with and without others. i have been called obnoxious for wanting to help others in chat. i have had along with others sometimes very little mod support, othertimes have had a lot. i guess what i am saying is that i realise that actually i cannot find that place here anymore.

    i cant help anyone so i am not going to try anymore . i will either take a back seat from that side of me or i will leave. this site is making me unhappy and concerned in many ways. it feels like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

    i wanted to have a role. i am who i say i am, i can be looked up all over google. i am a decent honest person with a v good heart. i hoped here to find some kind of place that i have felt i lacked in society.

    but the same harshness is here.

    i have learnt that there is no point caring about anyone here cos the likelihood is that they will die. either that or they will pretend to. i cannot sit through anymore real or faked od's.
    it hurts me

    there is lots i could say but there is no point. i dont know yet what to do
    i am between a place of euthanising myself and fighting still. i know that i cannot do what i wanted to do here which is help. i also know i cannot bear to deal with another fake od or real one.

    that is all

    ps if you havent got anything decent to say please stay out. but really there is not much to reply to anyway
  2. iamtoosad

    iamtoosad Member

    hi soliloquise -

    I don't know any of the details of what you're talking about but I do know the movie, I've seen it before.

    I feel crappy tonight so I dropped by. I guess I'm here to tell you, I hope you feel better soon.
  3. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    youre a very caring person sol
    dont let people tell you other wise.
  4. LastCrusade

    LastCrusade Well-Known Member

    For some of us who have recovered from major depression, we try to help others to pull themselves out from their blackhole. I did that too when I recovered from my severe depression but I realised that everyone's reason for being depressed / suicidal is different from one another and each of us go through different experiences. Because I recovered from my major episode, I even volunteered to help out at some mental health center but was outrightly rejected. I did not understand why initially but I realized later that those of us here who have 'experienced' such mental state are PRONE and have a tendency to sink back in this mental state WHEN things go wrong again. You must help yourself first then only you can help others. Everyone's situation/ circumstances is different, it is not so easy so don't be disappointed.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: Sam

    I will miss you :hug:
  6. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    Hey sol

    We haven't spoken to one another very much at all , but I wanted to drop in here and tell you that i hope you feel better! Maybe a break for a few days from here will settle the anxiety/frustration you may feeling at the present moment. If you need to talk, please know my pm box is always open.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling this way sam. If the site is doing you more harm than good, it is time to step away for awhile. I know you have good intentions, but don't risk your own mental health. You need to also take care of you. :hug:
  8. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i would like you to stay for my own selfish reasons. i too agree with everything you said, this is just a mock up of society and its stupid idiocracies, but it doesnt mean people like yourself should back down.

    i personally think you are one of the better people to come across this site, and i know its hard too but disregard others and mods, and just do what YOU can, and you certainly cant save everyone.

    :hug: i enjoy you here hun. dont leave
  9. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Sad as it is, speaking from a personal perspective, after you've been on here for a while, while you still care about people, you don't panic anymore if you hear someone attempting through an OD / suicide attempt or whatnot.

    It's not that I don't care, just that I stay that little bit back from my emotions that I would've done a couple of years ago. Why is that? 1) Self preservation, and 2) You have, to an extent, seen it all before. Perhaps, not a good attitude to have, but it's the one I've got, and one that I think, is necessary to be on here for any extended period of time.

    I help out where I can, but I don't come running to everyone in distress - that would be a definite recipe for very quick burnout. Also, moderators (and members alike) don't have to support people - if they're not up to it, then they won't. Everyone is within their rights to say 'I'm not up to it tonight', in my opinion - perhaps this where you've got some of your varied levels of support from?
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Soliloquise,
    If you decide to leave this place won't be the same. You bring sort of a levelheadiness to this place. I always read what you write and can relate to alot of it. You have been there for me when I was down and if there is anything I can do for you name it!!! You are indeed a good friend to have!!! I will miss you if you go!!!~Joseph~
  11. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    Hi Sam

    I completely understand where you're coming from. If you do decided to leave SF, please add me on MSN. I'd like to keep in touch.

    Best Wishes

  12. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    yeah i really dont know you very well
    but i wanted to just put in my word
    ive only been on this site a couple of months and someone i tried to help, and was confident i could do so either commited suicide or pretended to and hasnt been here for ages.
    I dunno, Ive found that helping others makes me feel better, but i confess i have been jumping at too many people trying to offer them help, and perhaps not getting quite so involved is a good approach. ive also realised Ive been trying to help others for the wrong reasons, to give myself a feeling of self importance, above trying to help others.
    I agree with a lot that abacus says, I think that to get the most out of this place you have to focus on helping others and helping yourself in fairly equal amounts
    and it is true that there is nastiness in this place, and that it isnt so far from the real world. Yet i do believe that there is a real benevolence here as well. And even if they do so in an awkward and clumsy way (me being a prime example :D ) most people here are trying to help, and contribute something else. I guess most people also have the motivation to save or better some random persons life which can be extremely rewarding - selfish reasons again, I know.
    Also people on here have a lot in common, regardless of their age or gender or region. This is a gathering of people who have something missing in their lives or have been damaged in some way. This forum allows people to speak their emotions, to truly liberate themeselves in the anonymity of the web.
    I therefore regard this forum as quite a sacred place, and I would be happy to contribute to it. I can understand if it gets frustrating as there is little personal gain to be made helping others a lot of the time, but I think that if you stay here and at least try to help others you will become happier in teh long run, get a better perspective and understanding of your own life and whats bad about it, and even if its in a tiny way you might just make someones day (that wasnt meant to ryhme :D )

    Anyway I hope you feel better after reading this and some of the other honest and beautiful comments people have left. Cuz even though I barely know you, I have seen you around a lot on here, and know that you will be missed by many :hug:
  13. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    thanks to you and all people who were kind. unfortunately it seems if i dare say anything remotely challenging i get blasted. so the choice is to either shut up and be a sheep, or to leave . or go anon. i have seen lots of good here but i have also seen some really nasty behaviour which sometimes goes unchallenged. i now have a little gang of people who are bitchiing about everything i say.. pathetic that it upsets me but it does because my quality of life is already shit. i am talking to hazel who has been kind. i will talk to friends here. i will back off from the rest of the site cos i will just get blasted or ostracised which is already happening. i cannot help here which is what i wanted to do. thanks x
  14. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I was skimming the UP thread you might be discussing and didn't see much blasting other than your reports of blasting. The terrible problem with depression is that we see enemies in the shadows of others thoughts, shadows cast by our own insecurities.
  15. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    there is truth in that robin yes.

    i am feeling very shit right now. i cant help people.
    i do feel picked on and i did go in chat to be ignored by a fair few who normally talk to me. i wil get over it.. its stupid.

    i am feeling shit because i want to help, have had others tell me i shouldnt be etc...

    thanks tho x
  16. Robin

    Robin Guest

    The people in chat and the forum most probably lay more worth on you than you are willing to allow yourself, we need constant reassurances we are not the scum we perceive ourselves to be and when we slip in quietly into chat or barely make a whisper we wonder why those reassurances are not forthcoming.

    You're a good person, as are most people on the site, pain has a habit of warping our sensibilities though :hug:
  17. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i was trying to talk to you in chat and you werent replying hun.. :hug:
  18. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i know.. i saw you saying hi sheep.. i didnt mean you i meant the majority x ty
  19. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member


    maybe i need to take a headspace break, not rise to the bait when people are nasty and be less involved when people say they are going to od. i am not used to doing this on the net.,, in my job it was way easier.
  20. Robin

    Robin Guest

    It's nice to get a hi from everyone in chat sometimes but better to be able to slip in quietly and enjoy the compassion of company without demands and expectations :)
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