This may be long and confusing but oh well. All my life I've never had a single friend, never enjoyed socialising, always hoped I'd find someone who I "clicked" with and would be able to talk to and enjoy being with, but to no avail. Fast forward to 3-months ago, I "met" someone online. At first it was so comfortable... we talked for hours... then it went sour. I started to avoid him as I had nothing to say. In real life I literally cannot speak unless spoken to (asked a logical question). For some reason I'm incapable of conversation, even with my own family, I'm silent. No matter who the person is, there is nothing in my mind. It has ended up that I am basically ignoring him, except for the odd few words. I behaved disgustingly and feel very little remorse. I wish I could feel something, ANYTHING. Instead I just push and push and push to see what peoples boundaries are, and they eventually leave me. I have come to the conclusion that I must be missing something in my brain - do I have psychopathic tendancies? I admittedly am good at manipulating people. I'm highly intelligent. In all my life I don't think I have ever felt "love" for anyone, even people who clearly love me and would do anything for me (my parents namely). Perhaps my lack of empathy is the reason why I feel I have nothing to say to anyone? I don't feel the need to share my thoughts... or perhaps I just don't have any thoughts at all. I have absolutely zero ability to communicate verbally and as everything in life revolves around communication, I cannot see a future. People cannot understand how someone's mind can be blank. Completely blank. They think I'm rude or just inexperienced at talking, but the honest truth is that I have nothing. The only thing I enjoy in life is food and sleep. I have read that this is another sign of psychopathy - only basic needs are important. I sit on the sidelines of life watching people enjoying things and I can't understand what they are enjoying at all. It's as though I'm encased in a glass bubble, walking around in a whole different world to the one everyone else experiences. All these people around me converse, they laugh, they share, they love. I can't. I'm sick with jealousy when I see couples in love. I can't feel happiness for anyone. All I feel is a burning feeling in the pit of my stomach when I hear of people getting married, having children, etc. It will never happen to me, as even though I had the opportunity to be with the most beautiful kind man there ever was, I could not feel anything for him. I only longed for physical connection - I could not envisage myself being able to hold a conversation or enjoy activities with him. I have never done these things with anyone, never enjoyed a holiday or being with another human being. Following this realisation I see no way forward for me. I have tried to cognitively empathise and think of things to say on the rare occassion that people talk to me, but I soon kill the conversation. I seem incapable of helping anyone, even though I have tried, and I want to be able to do something for someone. I'm cold and dead behind the eyes. Basically I am outright admitting that I do not care for anyone except myself so I do not expect anyone to empathise with me. I feel my own sadness, and I can see the strain that my behaviour is putting on my family. I have put them through hell for years with my constant avoidance and lies, yet they continue to see me as a nice person, and I continue to put my own needs first and disregard their pain. They continue to support me. I wonder why? Is that what love is like? I could not do that for another person. I don't have it in me. I feel I should leave them to get on with their lives. I see the connection and warmth they have for each other and I am not part of that, even though they see me as decent. They would be better without me, but mainly I feel that I would better off out of here. I don't think I can last another week in this state. All I do is wake up, think about suicide, eat, pop a few pills, read up on various medical conditions, and then sleep again. Sleep is the only thing that I enjoy. I see death as a long sleep and I do not fear it anymore, in fact, the thought and planning of it calms me. I'm not sure what the point of this is, I guess I mainly just want to vent, and I've never truly admitted how I feel before. Can anyone relate to even the tiniest bit of this? Should I even be asking for help when I don't feel I could help anyone else if they were in this situation?