I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I'm not really sure about anything right now actually. I've been thinking of killing myself for a while now, I'd say about nine years and five months. Long story. I'm just at a point where I can't deal with anything anymore. I'm out of college, trying to get a job. So far the only interview I've been able to get is for a job that would end up paying a very low amount of money for the area. The figures I've worked out would be that every penny earned would be spent to stay out of the red. I just look at that possible life, and it kills me. I've been putting suicide off for a long time, always telling myself things would get better after the next milestone. Things never seemed to get better though. Each level of school got worse, or if anything did get better I was too depressed to notice or would twist it till it was bad. Then last year the only girlfriend I ever had left me the day before my oldest brother's birthday (it was a long-term relationship). Then I dragged that out longer than it should have been, I practically became a stalker. I've been over her since July, and the only reason that whole thing is bothering me now is because her birthday is this month, and Valentine's Day. There was always one present I wanted to get her, but never did because I couldn't afford it until the year she left me. Kind of funny...in a sick way. Well, now that school is done this was the time that things were supposed to get better. A time when the work I put into getting good grades would pay off. Instead it has turned bad. All I do anymore is stay home and hate my life. It feels like everything is turning against me. I can't even stand being around my father (another long story). I can't talk to my mother without it turning into an argument. Iit seems like my oldest brother only talks to me when he needs something or when he comes over to visit my parents with his wife. Then my second older brother only talks to me when I talk to him first. It feels like every part of my life is falling apart. No job, a family that frustrates me, and no love life (for lack of a better term). I'd like to do things with my life, everyone has that one dream they want to do, but the motivation just gets zapped by dealing with my parents. Even if I take this job though, it still drives me crazy that the other aspects of my life won't improve. There will be no way I can ever meet someone without money, not to mention that I lack a social life. It's almost like I'm just going to continue to exist for no other reason than I do. Maybe if I killed myself it would change things for everyone else. It'd be one less mouth to feed, maybe it would make my family members talk to each other more, and maybe make them change their habits. I'll probably just end up putting suicide off again for another year (salary review at the company I'm interviewing at is every year). I never thought I'd make it this far in life. I'm sure everyone has heard this kind of stuff before.