No point

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ffrasaa, Jul 29, 2010.

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  1. ffrasaa

    ffrasaa New Member

    I have no point to go on living, no one likes me, seriously no one. I have no friends at all and all anyone does is pretend to be my friend, unknowing that I can see past the guise, or take the piss out of me. (that means to make fun of for anyone outside the UK) I can't see myself doing anything with my life or there being any point to me living, I don't have any talent or real intelligence. All I do is look in the mirror and see an ugly, awkward boy who will never be anything like anyone else. I see someone so ugly that they don't deserve to be acknowledged by anyone around them. People are right not to be my friend because I reckon I'd be a horrible friend. If no one wants to be my friend then why should I socialise with anyone?
    My family is a wreck, I hate my dad because of how he insults me and sees himself as a person of authority although he's done nothing to build a relationship or warrant respect. My mum favours every other child she's had over me because she knows I'll just take that and not complain. My brother treats me like shit, as does my older sister. All I ever think about is how frustrating it is that I can't look down on them crying and realising that they were too late. (Because I'm an atheist and believe in eternal nothingness after death)
    I recently started going out with (dating) a girl named Zara, she's a lovely person and the only truly likeable person I can think of on this planet. I despise everyone and everything. I don't want to leave her but she is showing signs of becoming annoyed at my attitude and personality (why wouldn't she?) and I'm hoping she will see sense and leave me in at least a month.
    School is a heaving pile of shit I have to shovel everyday, the people there are all idiots and no one there is being themselves. Everyone puts on a mask (me included) so that they can fit in with they're group/get in a better group/ stay with their group. It sickens me.
    The world is sick and I'm no doctor, I don't see myself fit to stay in the world as I am not worthy of life.
    Now after reading that, I want to die even more, this is good because the last time I tried (no one found out or knew) I wasn't concentrating and was genuinely having doubts as I wanted to continue education because I like learning and felt that at the point I felt I knew enough to be satisfied (i.e, now) that I would try as hard as I could to die. Therefore, if I'm as sad as I can be, there's next to no percentage chance of failure.
    I'm sure the world wont miss another gawky 14 year old nerd.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you feel things are so bad. There is a lot you can do to make positive changes in your life if you wish to. Currently you sound like your own self fulfilling prophecy though, which is not ideal, obviously, when it keeps you in this very painful place and reiterates it further.

    I hope you can find whatever you are looking for from SF.
  3. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    There were so many times wish I had a sibling to talk to, you have 2!! I hope they realize what you are up to and stop it, you should think about telling them.
  4. ffrasaa

    ffrasaa New Member

    Thank you, Scum.
    @Shit out of luck, I can't talk to them, that's the point. They hate me.
  5. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    No they don't, kids are growing up in stupid social conditions they want to be cool and pretty and shit. Only when they grow up they might realize how stupid and unimportant that is.
    Your brother and sister may be showing the side they think they should play, but inside they worry and love for you. Who's more emotional of the two is the one who would break first if you told him/her of your plans.

    I used to wear a mask too, cater to social norms. Oh how I regret that now. But I was stupid, just how your closest ones are being stupid right now.
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im sorry things are so rough. Im praying for you. try prayer. You know you seem like an honest and interesting person many people would like you and want to be your friend. Dont give up ,stay here wit us and we will be yourt friends. Your family probably likes you more than you think they just have issues too. STAY HERE and we will give you our best!!!!

    Love and hope,

  7. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    Hey ffrasaa,

    I'm very affected by your post. A 14 year old person shouldn't feel this bad about life, but i know where you come from, i've been there too when i was your age.
    I don't think you're unintelligent, or uninteresting. And if a girl showed interest in you, she has noticed that you have potential too . I like the metaphor you used, saying :"The world is sick and I'm no doctor". It's not because the world is sick that you need to be another victim of it's disease "the egoic mind". We live in a society that is being overruled by egoic and selfish minds, being aware of it is a step in the right direction.
    People have been rude to you, indeed, but it's not to late for you to start believing in yourself. There's a whole lot you can achieve now in your life instead of committing suicide. Starting by making the present time your friend and let go the past, accept the present with it's problems and obstacles, cause bad times will pass eventually if you stand your ground. Today you are surrounded by hurtful people, they're just ignorant, they don't know who you really are inside. And by listening to their hurtful words you start believing what they say, you feel worthless, but those are just words of narrowminded minds. Nobody took the time to pay attention to who you are inside, it doesn't mean that nobody ever will. I'm sure you have a lot of potential inside of you, perhaps you still have to discover it yourself. If everything around you is negative now, it's not so crazy to change your attitude about life in a positive way. If you're honest and if you open your heart to the possibility that friendly people might be out there, and show respect to another person, you'll attract someone that is likeminded, you just need to believe in that possibility. If you only think negative things are around they always will be around believe me, that is no way to think about life.
    When hurtful people make fun of you or treat you badly, just tell yourself they're ignorant, forgive them, cause their ignorance is being commanded by their egoic minds, "the mask" you used metaphorically is "the ego", throw that mask away.
    Stand up for your life and start believing in yourself, right now! We all face bad times, you're not alone to face them, you can pm me if you need support!
  8. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I somewhat know what it's like to feel ugly, and out of place. The kids at school don't really know who I am so I can't imagine what it would be like if they did. I'm really quiet at school. I don't say an awful lot. It's not that I'm mute or anything. It's just that I tend to think through situations, and things in my mind. And when you're living in your head for an extended period of time, it can be extremely hard to put anything into words.

    It's also a shame that I'm in such a small school. Only like 280 kids. So you only tend to see such a small proportion of the 'population'. Maybe if I was in a bigger school, there would be more like me??? I don't know. Always gotta hope there's other in my situation...

    If you ever want to talk or something(I'm not the worlds best chatter, considering I don't have an awful lot of interesting events or anything to talk about, but I'm still something :tongue:), just chuck me a PM...

    Good luck, and take care :hug:
  9. ffrasaa

    ffrasaa New Member

    Thank you for all of your kind words, I've taken them on board, and although I don't think I really believe them, they're a great mood boost.
    I've gone back into a phase of my recovering (and subsequently deteriorating) personality and outlook I like to call "happy knowledge." I know that I want to die and I'm happy to do so. I have a plan but unlike last night, I don't think I want to die so soon. I want to see if things change, like they did a year ago after my second attempt. I've given myself a month to live, let's see if the me at the end of this week, or the next week etc. wants to die so much then. However, in a few weeks time I will be back in school, this is a massive trigger and I predict I wont be alive for the christmas holidays.
    Good luck with all of you, you all seem to be recovering. Take care.
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