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No purpose, no future in site

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by infiniti1027, Dec 30, 2010.

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  1. infiniti1027

    infiniti1027 Member

    I’ve been a member for awhile but I don’t think I’ve ever posted.

    I want to die today. I have been having suicidal thoughts for the past few weeks. My life has always sucked. I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder.

    In Oct. 2008 I started dating a guy and fell in love with him. He probably wasn’t the best choice of guys. He didn’t have a job, he lived with his mother and hee had a substance abuse problem. When he got kicked out of his mom’s house, I let him move in with me. I supported him fully, enabling him somewhat too, paid for everything for him and even gave him a cell phone. Eventually I put him through rehab where he did great. He was in rehab for 4 months. When he came home he was a totally different person and I fell even more in love with him. He was going to school, going to meetings, looking for work. But

    I was still essentially taking care of him financially. About a month after he got out of rehab, I lost my job. I soon started working for his mother, where I am now still. I was upset at getting laid off from my other job and don’t really like this job much.

    About 5 months after he got out of rehab, he left me, on Valentines day. We had been fighting over him not getting a job, my daughter, him keeping the tv on loud at night. I told him that there was no use in talking because he would never change. Those are the words that resonate with him, according to him. Anyway he left. He found a friend to move in with, but called me a few months later to get together. He just wanted sex. I just wanted him. He told me he still cared about me but couldn’t be with me as he was trying to focus on school and recovery.

    Over the next few months we saw each other more and more and to me, I thought we were dating exclusively. I guess not. We stopped seeing each other the summer of 2010 completely. He dove headfirst into NA and wanted nothing to do with anyone who wasn’t in NA, including me I guess. He also said he couldn’t deal with my mood swings and “cutting”. I don’t cut, but a couple of my suicide attempts have been slicing my wrists.

    Now, he works here at his mom’s office part-time and it kills me. He doesn’t even speak to me at all. It kills me to see him here and not be able to be any part of his life. I still love him so much and feel like it’s such a slap in the face after all I did for him and how much of my heart I gave him.

    My relationship with my kids, ages 22 and 18, is strained too because of my illness. They have no respect for me; treat me like I’m here just for their convenience.

    I feel used and useless. I feel devalued. I have no real friends. I go home from work each day and crawl into bed and cry til I fall asleep, then get up and go to work again. I’m existing, not living.
    And I don’t want to do it anymore.

    I was letting a “friend” stay with me because she had no where to go after leaving her abusive boyfriend for the 10th time. I just found out she’s going back to him and she never helped me out for letting her stay with me, letting her use a cell phone on my plan.

    It’s just another abandonment after another in my life. My father abandoned me when I was 12, my favorite, closest aunt died when I was 24, I’ve had two failed marriages and now this most recent relationship ending while I am still so much in love is just really coming to the breaking point for me.

    I feel I have nothing to live for. I’m tired of being used and taken advantage of. I’m tired of being thrown away like garbage. I’m tired of feeling like I have no real purpose in my life. All I have are my dogs, and I worry about them when I’m gone. I’ve considered taking them with me.

    All I know is I can’t do this much more. No one understands my illness. No one understands what it feels like to be filled with so much pain that it doesn’t seem it will ever end.

    I can’t focus at work. I find no joy in anything. I don’t meet new people easily, and though I have tried, when I am with them all I want is to go home and be left alone and just to die.

    I really cannot go on anymore. I’m in psychiatric treatment but it is not working to dispel how I feel. All the medication, all the therapy … it doesn’t bring me friends or relationships or a sense of belonging or worth.

    I want to die. And I want to die now.
  2. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi. I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much so much pain but I believe that sf will support you through this.
    Hate to see but I think you are better off without that guy (I'll pause while you disagree). It seems to me that you give too much to people and don't focus on your own needs. You must start to be selfish and take care of yourself and that means trying to develop an assertive attitude to your doctor - if nothing has worked so far, ask for alternatives. You deserve to get better! X
  3. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    Infiniti - First of all, welcome, and thank you for posting your story.

    Fitzy is right. It's time in life for you to be selfish. You need to do things for yourself: get medical help for your depression issues, go places you enjoy, make yourself happy. If your current treatments aren't working, you should discuss trying new things - there is bound to be something out there that can help. Meditation has really helped me, it's very calming and centering.

    Remember people come and go in our life, be they friends or family. Not everyone is up to the same standards of sensitivity that many have, including myself, and it's heartbreaking when they go, but one must push past that, let the hurt set in for a while, and then you must let those wounds heal. Talk therapy is really helpful for that, that is something else I do.

    Please continue posting here. There are people here who genuinely care about you and we want to help you through this difficult time so you can continue in this world. The love here is really tangible. It saved my life.
  4. infiniti1027

    infiniti1027 Member

    Thank you for your words, but I'm at the very end of my rope and the small string I am hanging from is not strong enough. I'm not strong enough.

    I just wanted to get things down on paper, get my feelings out.

    But I won't be here after today.
  5. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    No - stay and talk? Tell us about your dogs. I'm jealous - I would love to have a dog. Long dog walks help to clear your head. I have a cat - I tried to put a harness and lead on her but she nearly took my hand off!
    How about giving it a bit more time?
  6. happyville

    happyville Well-Known Member

    Please stay and talk. We're all here to help and there are so many things you could do to help better your life.

    I'm sorry you've given so much to people without being appreciated in return - you're an amazing, lovely person for giving so much, because in all honesty, most people wouldn't. The world can't lose someone as essentially good as you are.

    Please don't go, and please don't take your dogs with you, either. They're probably very happy animals, and that has a lot to do with their owner.
  7. Ve 3

    Ve 3 New Member

    infiniti1027, please don't do anything to hurt yourself today. Things can get better. You said that your relationship with your children is strained, but chances are that they will be hurt if they lose you, especially since they are still young.

    Try to make friends with people who don't just want to use you because they can tell that you are a generous person. Look for friends who care about you as much as you care about them. I know it might seem difficult to do, but there are good people out there.

    If you are feeling that you want to do something to yourself today, please contact your doctor or a local crisis line now so you can get immediate help. If you can just get through the negative thoughts and feelings that you are having right now, you'll have the chance to see what tomorrow and next week and next month will bring, which could be something good.

    I can attest to the benefits of meditation, which deferred dream mentioned.

    Access whatever resources are available to you in order to get through this. Those of us on SF who have taken the time to reply to your post care about you, and we would be saddened if you decided to go.
  8. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Blimey, beauty comes from within and you have so much.
    What a post that was, why should you die for being such a great person?
    No way!
    You have had such a tough time, but you do have a tomorrow to start again, if you choose it.
    When relationships break down, i have figured that i would rather be on my own, than with someone who does not love me the same as i do them.Im so sorry he treated you this way.
    They say true love is sometimes letting go, i dunno, but it kinda figures to me.
    I know there are many issues that are making you unhappy, i guess all you can do is take a space, try and make each one a little less painful.
    If you can do that, then im sure a heart as deep as yours, will soon fill with some contentment.
    I so wish you well, you have touched me.
    Please feel free to pm me anytime Regards Pete
  9. Ea 92

    Ea 92 New Member

    I feel that you are strong, you are reaching out to others, and finding we care about you and feel for your desperation. You need to hold on today. I was deeply moved by your life story, the hardships and of being abandoned repeatedly, endured over a long period of time, this does wear a person down. When I hear of your children and your dogs, that you obviously love very dearly, and your kind generous spirit towards others, I feel you must know of the emptiness it would bring to them, as you care for others more than yourself, you are a support for them.

    We have some things in common. Being crushed when others let you down...you have shown great care for them, and they have failed to give you support when you need it most. I realize that I cannot find the answer to this as there are too many factors to figure out why. And you are not at fault because other people walk away, they are spiritually weak and cannot find strength or compassion.

    You must remember all the good things you have done selflessly, and continue to do for others, this is your greatest quality to share. You have compelled me to write to you because of your gentle and kind nature, and we need you in this world, and so do, especially, your children and dogs. It is the nature of life...it goes :sheep2: up and down, and this is what we need to understand clearly, and then to accept. Keep being the kind, sweet person that you are.
  10. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    i hope you are ok.
  11. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Someone messed up the good/bad ratio at the karma department for this person!
    I am writing a complaint right now!
  12. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Agreed Soul, agreed.
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