I’ve been a member for awhile but I don’t think I’ve ever posted. I want to die today. I have been having suicidal thoughts for the past few weeks. My life has always sucked. I have bipolar and borderline personality disorder. In Oct. 2008 I started dating a guy and fell in love with him. He probably wasn’t the best choice of guys. He didn’t have a job, he lived with his mother and hee had a substance abuse problem. When he got kicked out of his mom’s house, I let him move in with me. I supported him fully, enabling him somewhat too, paid for everything for him and even gave him a cell phone. Eventually I put him through rehab where he did great. He was in rehab for 4 months. When he came home he was a totally different person and I fell even more in love with him. He was going to school, going to meetings, looking for work. But I was still essentially taking care of him financially. About a month after he got out of rehab, I lost my job. I soon started working for his mother, where I am now still. I was upset at getting laid off from my other job and don’t really like this job much. About 5 months after he got out of rehab, he left me, on Valentines day. We had been fighting over him not getting a job, my daughter, him keeping the tv on loud at night. I told him that there was no use in talking because he would never change. Those are the words that resonate with him, according to him. Anyway he left. He found a friend to move in with, but called me a few months later to get together. He just wanted sex. I just wanted him. He told me he still cared about me but couldn’t be with me as he was trying to focus on school and recovery. Over the next few months we saw each other more and more and to me, I thought we were dating exclusively. I guess not. We stopped seeing each other the summer of 2010 completely. He dove headfirst into NA and wanted nothing to do with anyone who wasn’t in NA, including me I guess. He also said he couldn’t deal with my mood swings and “cutting”. I don’t cut, but a couple of my suicide attempts have been slicing my wrists. Now, he works here at his mom’s office part-time and it kills me. He doesn’t even speak to me at all. It kills me to see him here and not be able to be any part of his life. I still love him so much and feel like it’s such a slap in the face after all I did for him and how much of my heart I gave him. My relationship with my kids, ages 22 and 18, is strained too because of my illness. They have no respect for me; treat me like I’m here just for their convenience. I feel used and useless. I feel devalued. I have no real friends. I go home from work each day and crawl into bed and cry til I fall asleep, then get up and go to work again. I’m existing, not living. And I don’t want to do it anymore. I was letting a “friend” stay with me because she had no where to go after leaving her abusive boyfriend for the 10th time. I just found out she’s going back to him and she never helped me out for letting her stay with me, letting her use a cell phone on my plan. It’s just another abandonment after another in my life. My father abandoned me when I was 12, my favorite, closest aunt died when I was 24, I’ve had two failed marriages and now this most recent relationship ending while I am still so much in love is just really coming to the breaking point for me. I feel I have nothing to live for. I’m tired of being used and taken advantage of. I’m tired of being thrown away like garbage. I’m tired of feeling like I have no real purpose in my life. All I have are my dogs, and I worry about them when I’m gone. I’ve considered taking them with me. All I know is I can’t do this much more. No one understands my illness. No one understands what it feels like to be filled with so much pain that it doesn’t seem it will ever end. I can’t focus at work. I find no joy in anything. I don’t meet new people easily, and though I have tried, when I am with them all I want is to go home and be left alone and just to die. I really cannot go on anymore. I’m in psychiatric treatment but it is not working to dispel how I feel. All the medication, all the therapy … it doesn’t bring me friends or relationships or a sense of belonging or worth. I want to die. And I want to die now.