The topic of this post is not meant as a joke. It is just my way of saying things are hard right now.* I'm not sure why I came onto this site. Originally it was a way to say goodbye. Not to reach out for help or expect a miracle. And *not to throw myself a pity party at all but I need to explain why so that other people can understand and to ease my guilt. Also, I want to say goodbye to someone but I have no one to call or say goodbye to in my life. I see no reason to continue. For me life is over and nothing short of a miracle will help me at this point. *My life is so different now and no one is here to help. No one and I see no other way to stop what is happening. Things are getting worse so why bother letting them get to that point. I've prayed to my mother and father to look down and help me but no help came. I don't believe in God anymore cause God sure stopped believing in me. I went to local churches looking for help and was sent away because I wasn't a parishioner. There is no God and there is no hell and my mom and dad can't hear me so there is no help. It's just this life and it's too hard for some so why not just go away . I want this to be as painless as possible. I hear that some people survive xxx and I can't have that happen. I've even thought of xxx but part of me feels awful for the person that shoots me. I have to find a way to make this end but not sure how yet. I just know I can't take this anymore. And I truly believe it is our choice and least let us have that much. I know some wont agree but when you have nothing else sometimes it is the only way. Don't hurt yourself over a lost love or because things just aren't good at the moment but when you've lost everything including the right to be human and not sleep with rats on a street. If you have no family or friends to turn to for help, then it because your right and your choice I want someone to know I existed and to know my story.. That is why I am here and this is it I'm a 41 year old woman. not very young, not too old but I felt like I have no other option but to end my life. *I worked as a manager for years. Then I lost my job. So for years I have had 5 part times jobs. That's right FIVE! Sometimes I worked up to 300 hours a month. No exaggeration. I live in Orange County California and those of you in the area know it is not cheap to live here. Every penny counted. Christmas was my busiest time of the year and by January things started to slow down a bit. Enough so I could catch my breath. One night in January I decided I would finally go out after work. I figured I would have a drink and take a break for an hour or two. I had 2 1/2 drinks. But when you don't weigh a lot and your aren't use to drinking it effects you. I decided I was going to sleep in my car until I was sober enough to drive.* 25 minutes later police knock on the window and go through the whole sobriety deal with me. I explained I wasn't driving but the key was in the ignition and the heat was on in the car and he claimed he had a right. I blew a .09. Legal limit in Cali is .08. I begged him not to arrest me or I would lose my jobs. ( I drove from various locations within Orange County and LA county for each of the jobs I had). I was not able to have one of these jobs without a valid license and certainly not with a DUI conviction. Besides I could barely afford to get my car out of impound let alone an attorney for the charges. *I lost my jobs. Unemployment denied me benefits because i signed paperwork stating a valid license is necessary for employment. No money means no home, no car *and no future. I can't get my license until I pay for a DUI school but that cost 579.00. Not to mention the 2000.00 in fines I have to pay and they tack on additional cost for an alcohol liaison fee, DNA collection fee, MADD lecture and then pay for an SR-22 in California if I ever could get another car again. *I made 179.00 last month. I do not qualify for welfare assistance in California because I have no children and I made 179 last month. I receive 90.00 in food stamps a month. I have no where to live. I now look like all those people you pass on the street. *I was living in my car but it died, was booted and towed away. I have an iPod touch that I am writing this on. The screen is cracked but I can still kinda see what the screen says. I've tried to sell it but no one wants it and it has been my only lifeline to the normal world. Every now and again I can charge it at the library and the sit outside staples or anywhere they have free wifi and apply for jobs or try to contact people. My family are all dead. I have no friends, never really did have too many and those I do know aren't in a much better position. *All have said they can't help and not one has even offered me a floor to sleep on for a night.* I've tried to not give up. I really have but I can't take being homeless and alone anymore. No one cares. No one wants to even look you in the eye. I don't ask for help anymore. The people I once knew have said no so often I feel sympathy for them now. Its hard to turn away someone when your own survival is at stake every month. I know how they feel. They don't want to be put in the position and I am tired of crying about it afterward.* I just want this to stop. I don't know any other way then death. Things are so bad now I don't know if I can come back from this. Being homeless and alone is terrible. I've been beaten, spit at, laughed at and told to get a job so many times and it crushes me everytime. You don't know until you are there. Next time you pass someone, even if you can't help them, at least smile and say hello. We are human and we are just trying to survive. We understand you can't help financially, believe me we do understand. But a friendly word and smile helps. For me, at this point it is useless but it may help someone else.