No reason to go on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ultracow, Apr 26, 2011.

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  1. ultracow

    ultracow New Member

    Hello SF, new member here. I thought I'd try to share how I feel, maybe it will take a tiny bit off my chest. For about 5 years I've been in love with my best friend, however she's always been out of reach for me. Our friendship withered and all the relationships I had in those 5 years quickly proved to be nothing more than a way to forget about her, so I ended them quickly.
    The last months however, everything feels pointless, I have nothing that makes me want to get up in the morning, and nothing that makes me want to live to the next day.
    My future seems hollow and empty, and I know that 1 person is not something you should worry about, plenty of fish in the sea right? I just had a feeling with her I will never be able to feel again. I want only her and knowing that I can not makes my whole life just so empty. I am now in my 3rd year in university, this year I barely spent any time in my school, and I am now starting to fail courses, which only demotivates me more and makes me feel like a loser. At home I have to pretend like I am okay, even though I feel like I'm dying inside, because I don't have a good relationship with my parents, and whenever I am home I just want to leave again because the atmosphere is always tense and there's alot of arguing etc.
    I'm thinking of just ending it all, I really look forward to leaving this life, I have come to the point where I accepted death and no longer fear it, I welcome it like a friend now. I'll add that I recently broke all contact with her hoping it would bring me closure, however it only makes me feel worse. I no longer have her MSN or cellphone nr etc. I have no communication with her whatsoever, but I can only think about her all day.

    What should I do..
    P.S. sorry for the wall of text, at least I tried to watch grammar etc. (Hope my English was fine, I'm from Belgium :( )
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your English was fine. :) Is there any way you can move away from your parents? Being away from the tension and arguing might at least help you to feel a bit better.
  3. ultracow

    ultracow New Member

    I am away from home 5 days a week usually. I live in a studio near my university since it's too far from home. Still either I'm lonely there or I'm at home from where I want to get away as soon as possible.
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