Iv just read a few webpages on suicide, its disturbing to me that i would even consider such a thing as it causes more pain to others than it does to my self, yet every so often i get so down and dont talk to anyone about it. I cry about once a week and no one knows i have no excuess for feeling these sort of things its not as if iv ever endured anything that could be considered harsh for me, yet i cant escape this sadness that engulfs me completely. I hate my life, i dont blame anyone as iv never really been ill treated by anyone but it feels as if im living in a movie and that im playing the part of someone that wants everyone to like them. I would love it if i could just be who i really am and keep all those close to me as close as they are now but i know that wouldnt be the case. There are a few people who have really influenced my life and for that i will always love them, at this point im just writing what im feeling now i decided it may help for me to write theses feelings down when ever i get sad like this. I hope no one ever has to read this as that would give me the greatest joy and no doubt no one will read this. I cant trust anyone enough to allow them to get close enough to discover how fucked up my head is. The thing that truely annoys me is the fact that i have no excuess for feeling this way which in turn makes me more angry at myself as i have no right no reason to feel such dark sadness. No doubt if i confide in a friend i shall be shunned as an "emo" or somthing else and that wouldnt really help. Sometimes i find myself crying with out warning and not understanding why i feel this way ? Perhaps i have something wrong with my mind im not sure but the feelings are definatly there. I seek no help from others as i truely feel they would not understand they would either be angry at me for being such an idiot and talking in such a depressed way for no reason or they would tell me i have so much to live for and so on. The thing i feel is that i have no path in life and i have no ability for passion in things and i dont seem to be able to do what i enjoy or dont have the skills to attempt what i want. Also for the first time in my life i have felt connected to another person and this has eased my sadness, never before have i lay awake at night and worried about them and hoped that they are ok. I think if i did not have so much love for my family and those close to me that i would have already killed my self. Saying these words make me feel strange and i truely feel it is helping, i feel more controlled at the moment rather than earlier when i was talking.