no reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ptitz, Oct 22, 2009.

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  1. Ptitz

    Ptitz Well-Known Member

    Basically for no reason whatsoever i just feel like killing myself sometimes. Quite often really. I just have those short anxiety attacks when i feel like taking some particular measures to end my life. I dont really have anything to be depressed about, to be honest im doing quite well in my life this far. Ive been through some very bad episodes but never let anything get to my head. Still, the only way for me to cope with my everyday life is to set some high goals keep waking up every morning just so i can reach em. Right now my goal is to get an aerospace engineering degree and go build icbms for china or somethig (i actually finished my first year in top 17%). Drinking helps too, but i dont drink that often anymore. I have some good friends but i dont care much for anyone. I feel pretty good about myself though. So here, i got no good reasons to finish my life, but the only reason i keep on living is because i got shit to do tomorrow. If i fail im probably gona go for it after all. Thats not a very good motivation, innit?
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    What would happen if you tried to enjoy your life a little too? It sounds like you keep yourself quite busy with all the goals, great grades etc. But it doesnt sound like you take too much time just for you. Maybe along with the major goals, try setting a small one each day that allows you to have some personal time. Or try volunteering for a cause you believe in. Something that lets you enjoy your life as well as live it. Try living for all the shit you havent done as well as all the shit you have to do.
  3. kemistry

    kemistry Well-Known Member

    Well, it's easier to kill yourself than to live through life, so choose your battle. In the end, it might or might not worth all that effort but that's what make it intruiging, we cant say for certain because we don't know the future.

    Though, in my humble opinion, I sincerely think that life is overrated and existience isnt much of a blessing, but so what, since I'm here already I may as well stay. : )
    Life is treating me kindly, so far, so I also have no reason to complain, but someday I just can't shake off the blues.

    Now I'm thinking of a quote from Farewell Waltz
    [ Jakub tried to be precise, and said cautiously: “All I know is that I could never say with complete conviction: Man is a wonderful being and I want to produce him.” ]

    Life goes on, whethere we are happy or sad, bitter or passionate.
  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Have you seen a doctor about depression and anxiety attacks?

  5. Ptitz

    Ptitz Well-Known Member

    nah. it actually seems like a good idea but i dont really feel like going to a shrink. people i know that went to one just got some pills and changed completely after that. i dont want to be mind numb and indifferent, stuffed on xanax or whatever. ive been really carefull with drugs this far. stayed away from coke and x and all. i know there is something fucked up about those episodes. i just feel really claustrophobic and want to put a hole in my head, it rushes over me for a few minutes or so, but then its gone. it happens a few times a week. apparently i had some big problem with my neural system since i was born. doctors predicted that i would be mentally handicapped, i had to go through lots of tests when i was a kid. my uncle actually has severe paranoid schizophrenia and a mind of a 9 year old. but i mean.... im effectively smarter than most of the people i know. its just fucked up that i have those notions of killing myself for no apparent reason. it seems silly to me when i think clearly but yet again, sometimes it rushes over me and i just want to cut my own throat out. i never really discussed it with anyone but i had it for years by now. i dont have money or will to visit a doctor about it, i just hope to find someone in a similar situation who can help me out here. freaky thing is that someday when i have one of those episodes i might actually hurt myself.
  6. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    atleast you can set goals and work towards achieving them and actually achieve them.
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are posting here, it helps not to keep it bottled up. You may want to try posting a members diary. No one can reply to it but it's nice to have it all in one thread.

    You may want to read others diary's as well. Since I've started reading them, I don't feel so alone in this.

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