Hello again. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Things have been weird lately, for a while actually, and this is the first chance I’ve had to post anything. I don’t know how many people will actually read this though. The fewer the better I suppose. A few weeks ago, my family got a puppy. Memorial Day weekend to be exact. My older brother came over, and the other older brother and his wife were over for most of the weekend. Well, the puppy (Katie) has been with the family since then, and unfortunately it seems that most of the training/care has been passed to me. My father goes down to a city four hours away for three days out of every week, and my mother works second shift at a dairy place. I am currently unemployed, and that is a situation that has not changed since I graduated from college nearly a year ago. Technically I’m an August 2007 graduate, but I was out by June 30, 2007. Anyway, more on that later. Basically with Katie my whole routine has been smashed. I’m constantly watching her when no one is around, and when someone is around they usually pass her off to me (mostly my father does this…and he wanted a dog the most out of anyone in the family). She’s nice, but she bites a lot, chases the cat, and generally doesn’t listen to anything I say. I know it’ll take time to train her and make her behave, but I don’t have any patience left in me after dealing with the other crap. She just takes up all my time to do any of the things that were keeping me sane/I liked to do. Ok, now to the job stuff. I’ve interviewed at a few places since I started looking for a job in August. One place wanted me, but I couldn’t take it because the salary was too low for the cost of living in the area. And with the price of gas at what it is now, I wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere except work and where ever I was living, so no social life. Job #2 was the job I’d been hoping for since I graduated. It dealt with my major, and particularly with the thing I loved most from my major…optical mineralogy. The guy said I interviewed well, but in the end they went with someone with more experience. I was the number two person in contention for the job. Every place wants experience, but I have none. No experience, no work…no work, no self-worth. This has been the past few weeks, since the dog arrived, but everything was messed up before that. Anyway, today is where it finally came to hit me about how much I hate living. I guess this morning a close friend of my father’s died of cancer, and it is really bugging him. So he has been drinking all day. He also had friends over today to look at Katie, and they were all happy cheering each other up. Then My brother and his wife come over, and it is more of the “look at how happy they are” garbage. Last weekend was also kind of a bad one. That weekend I went down with my parent’s to my cousin’s graduation party. It was odd seeing everyone in the family so happy while I was just a wall flower waiting for it to be over. While we were there someone started talking about someone else who had committed suicide. So my father starts getting into his “cowards way out” talking while I’m standing next to him thinking, “Gee dad, what are you going to say at my funeral? Better start thinking about it soon, because I’m not going to be here forever.” And of course there were other thoughts, but not worth mentioning. Didn’t help that my grandfather just kept saying I needed a job and a girlfriend after he said hi to me for the rest of the day. Anyway, back to this weekend. I had to go out to get burgers for lunch for my parent’s and their friends. I went to the local Wal*Mart, and got everything. But while I was there I kept running into this girl walking behind her mother. She kept looking at me whenever I’d walk by, but it didn’t seem like a mean look. Well, I go to cash out and she was there again, saw me, and smiled. I smiled back, but didn’t even take the time to say hello. Anyway, that just goes back into the feeling of being worthless about not being able to approach women (not to mention I’d feel like an idiot if she turned out to be in high school or under the age of 18…I’ve always had a problem telling how old women are). So, right now I’m sitting here, waiting to go out to a friend’s place and see if I can calm down at all and maybe unwind a little. Also, as a final not to those who are still reading; I did something really dumb in January. I promised myself I wouldn’t be depressed for 10 years. I had said I wouldn’t reach that point, one way or the other. Well, the decade mark is September, and I don’t think I’m going to make it to August since that’s when my parent’s are getting the house re-sided and a new roof. Just seems like the end of July would be best, it’s far enough away from my brother’s marriage anniversary, and it’s not near any birthdays/holidays. Not to mention my family can blame my ex for the suicide since it’d have been our five year anniversary if we had lasted. Anyway, I’m going to go now, only have five minutes before I have to get to my friend’s. Maybe I’ll get into a car accident and won’t have to have the inner debate about suicide and my faith again.