No Relief

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InMyWay, Jun 14, 2008.

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  1. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Hello again. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Things have been weird lately, for a while actually, and this is the first chance I’ve had to post anything. I don’t know how many people will actually read this though. The fewer the better I suppose.

    A few weeks ago, my family got a puppy. Memorial Day weekend to be exact. My older brother came over, and the other older brother and his wife were over for most of the weekend. Well, the puppy (Katie) has been with the family since then, and unfortunately it seems that most of the training/care has been passed to me. My father goes down to a city four hours away for three days out of every week, and my mother works second shift at a dairy place. I am currently unemployed, and that is a situation that has not changed since I graduated from college nearly a year ago. Technically I’m an August 2007 graduate, but I was out by June 30, 2007. Anyway, more on that later.

    Basically with Katie my whole routine has been smashed. I’m constantly watching her when no one is around, and when someone is around they usually pass her off to me (mostly my father does this…and he wanted a dog the most out of anyone in the family). She’s nice, but she bites a lot, chases the cat, and generally doesn’t listen to anything I say. I know it’ll take time to train her and make her behave, but I don’t have any patience left in me after dealing with the other crap. She just takes up all my time to do any of the things that were keeping me sane/I liked to do.

    Ok, now to the job stuff. I’ve interviewed at a few places since I started looking for a job in August. One place wanted me, but I couldn’t take it because the salary was too low for the cost of living in the area. And with the price of gas at what it is now, I wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere except work and where ever I was living, so no social life. Job #2 was the job I’d been hoping for since I graduated. It dealt with my major, and particularly with the thing I loved most from my major…optical mineralogy. The guy said I interviewed well, but in the end they went with someone with more experience. I was the number two person in contention for the job. Every place wants experience, but I have none. No experience, no work…no work, no self-worth.

    This has been the past few weeks, since the dog arrived, but everything was messed up before that. Anyway, today is where it finally came to hit me about how much I hate living. I guess this morning a close friend of my father’s died of cancer, and it is really bugging him. So he has been drinking all day. He also had friends over today to look at Katie, and they were all happy cheering each other up. Then My brother and his wife come over, and it is more of the “look at how happy they are” garbage. Last weekend was also kind of a bad one.

    That weekend I went down with my parent’s to my cousin’s graduation party. It was odd seeing everyone in the family so happy while I was just a wall flower waiting for it to be over. While we were there someone started talking about someone else who had committed suicide. So my father starts getting into his “cowards way out” talking while I’m standing next to him thinking, “Gee dad, what are you going to say at my funeral? Better start thinking about it soon, because I’m not going to be here forever.” And of course there were other thoughts, but not worth mentioning. Didn’t help that my grandfather just kept saying I needed a job and a girlfriend after he said hi to me for the rest of the day.

    Anyway, back to this weekend. I had to go out to get burgers for lunch for my parent’s and their friends. I went to the local Wal*Mart, and got everything. But while I was there I kept running into this girl walking behind her mother. She kept looking at me whenever I’d walk by, but it didn’t seem like a mean look. Well, I go to cash out and she was there again, saw me, and smiled. I smiled back, but didn’t even take the time to say hello. Anyway, that just goes back into the feeling of being worthless about not being able to approach women (not to mention I’d feel like an idiot if she turned out to be in high school or under the age of 18…I’ve always had a problem telling how old women are). So, right now I’m sitting here, waiting to go out to a friend’s place and see if I can calm down at all and maybe unwind a little.

    Also, as a final not to those who are still reading; I did something really dumb in January. I promised myself I wouldn’t be depressed for 10 years. I had said I wouldn’t reach that point, one way or the other. Well, the decade mark is September, and I don’t think I’m going to make it to August since that’s when my parent’s are getting the house re-sided and a new roof. Just seems like the end of July would be best, it’s far enough away from my brother’s marriage anniversary, and it’s not near any birthdays/holidays. Not to mention my family can blame my ex for the suicide since it’d have been our five year anniversary if we had lasted. Anyway, I’m going to go now, only have five minutes before I have to get to my friend’s. Maybe I’ll get into a car accident and won’t have to have the inner debate about suicide and my faith again.
  2. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you are finding it hard. I think that your target about being depresed is unrealistic but if you work at your self hard enough then it is possible.

    I think it is good having to spend time with the dog. THere is something called pet therapy and has been useful to lift depression and suicide thoughts. Spending more time with it wil be good for you and maybe you should walk it more often. the more it gets to know you the easier it is to train. Some people treat there animals as babies and I think that that is a good idea. If a pet is a baby you have more responsibility over it and you are more likely to care for it. THe more it gets used to and the more you start to like it the easier it wil be.

    As for the job. I found that agencies were good for when It comes to experience (and you don't have the hassel of finding the job the agency does). It would also help you gain some more self worth of your self.

    You can do this and I know that it is hard but you can. I think that with our help you can get through what you are feeling.

    Take care.

    Here if you want to chat.

  3. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Thank you for your comments Sam, it meant a lot to me. I'll try spending more time with the dog, and hopefully the training will start to be easier soon. I'll also take your advice and start looking for job agencies and see where that leads to. Thanks again.
  4. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Thats ok. Here if you ever need me.

  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    What kind of dog? Irecently got a Jack Russel terrior. My trainer said they are a high maintence dog. You have to constantly work with them. You know what? I don't give a damn what she said. Digger is fun to play with, and when you are down he comes over and lays next to you. Now if your feeling better he ignores you. He's got a strange since of humor. You know pets once they get attached to you they give you unconditional love.
    My brother has a theory about dogs. He says they are stupid up to two years old and then a light goes on and they start doing eveything you have been trying to teach him.
    I understand what you are saying about a job. Sometimes you have to take what you don't want. Just bide your time something better will come along. By working a lesser paying job still puts money in your pocket. I went from $45,000 a year to minimum wage stocking shelves at K-Mart. The point I am making is you need to work so your not sitting around idol. Who knows you might meet a new mate.
    Now as far as a girlfriend you are on your own. I haven't had very good luck with women. Th last one cheated on me all the time and ripped me off for $18,000. so you understand I can't advise you on that.(haha).:chopper:
  6. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Thanks for the advice Stranger1. My family just got a black lab a few weeks ago. We're trying to train her to be a hunting dog, which my dad has done a few times before. She's finally learning sit, so she must not be as dumb as she lets on.
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