No Sleep... :-(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Questa_Bella_Vita_*MUTED*, Mar 9, 2009.

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  1. For a little while now, I haven't felt the need to use SF because I found another way to treat my suicidal symptoms.

    That other way was swimming... I've always been good at swimming (my personal record is 65 lenths in an olympic pool in 59.53 minutes...) and have found in recient years that the shear amount of endorphines released by swimming 50 lengths in one hour every day, 5 days a week, was enough to keep me level emotionally, and 75% of the time actually HAPPY about things...

    I discovered the swimming tactic when a new Leisure Centre/Gym opened locally from me, about 10 minutes walk...

    For about 6 months I've felt nothing but level headed and secure, happy to just be alive and to smell the roses...

    But now that the Leisure Centre has been open long enough, word of mouth has gotten around about how good the facilities are, and now the pool is full from when it opens at 7am till it closes at 10pm... this is compounded by the fact that it is a PUBLIC facility, run by the local council, so kids swimming lessons are run all day long in the SAME pool... and usually theres 4 fat old ladies in a cordoned of section doing 'Bums and Tums'...

    Its so full that its taking me 3 HOURS to do what I used to be able to do in 1 HOUR... and because your standing in the pool for so long people have started talking to me, and my social anxiety keeps acting up (I said the swimming made me happy, not that it fixed everything... lol)

    Its now gotten to the point where Im afraid of going out of the house again... and because I've been given a 6 month break from my depression, its come back more than ever... at the moment its 1:30AM in the morning, and I can't sleep because Im jumping at every noise that my creaky old house makes... I havnt felt this way since I was about 7 years old... Ive needed to pee for about 2 hours, but I'm to scared to open my door... this is insane...

    Its so much more evil, when you know what it can be like on the other side, isn't it..?

    -J- :sadwave:
  2. nightowl15

    nightowl15 Active Member

    couldnt u find another place to swim in?
  3. 21f

    21f New Member

    i havent slept properly for about 6 years, i can go 4/5 straight days with zero sleep then i zonk out sometimes for the whole day. i get like you sometimes, so scared of my own house, own surroundings, i lose my rag and scream at the dogs when they bark at some noise outside.
    there was a murder in my house when i was 9, im 21 now and havent gotten over the 'it could happen again' feelings.
    we all get scared sometimes, your very brave for saying you do.
    im crap at advice, sorry.
  4. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    why dont u look at it this way - probably there is someone else out there too who wants to reach out to someone and hence people approaching u in the pool? probably this is the best way for you to deal with your social anxiety? pls dont stop doing what gives you so much joy and peace - try to see if you can get used to the new situation.
  5. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    There are lots of pools out there..

    The YMCA pool is almost always empty, especially during school hours.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you found an alternative. Too bad it isn't working out for you right now. Many places have a time set aside for lap swimming. If this doesn't. maybe it is a suggestion you could make.If swimming isn't possible, maybe another form of exercise may be sustituted. Don't give up. You know what good feels like and you can attain it again.
  7. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    i know what you mean. and i used to be quite the swimmer myself. But it wasn't about how many laps i could (i could swim on and on forever), but it was about how fast i could sprint (50's, 100's, never more than 200).

    I've always had depression and as a kid it wasn't as bad (because i felt terrible but i never knew how bad it was, in a sense), but now that i've experienced a brief year or two without depression, the depression just seems so much terrible now.
  8. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    also i notice alot of people talk about not being able to sleep.
    for me it's the exact opposite. Sometimes i just spend entire days in bed.
    On average i sleep around 15 hours a day/night, and usually lack the will power to bother getting up even after i'm awake...i just don't see the point of doing anything anymore.
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