No solution to relationship/life issues

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by dying_inside, Dec 27, 2014.

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  1. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    I cant see any solution for this:

    i think the meaning of my life is building a family. after many years spent alone i have finally found the right guy for me. we've been friends before and now we've just started a new relationship. i have a pattern of push/pull dynamic in relationships. i have been in therapy (and dont want to go back), and resolved the issue isolating myself, and it worked up to now. with him though, i cant keep my real feelings for myself, he is no stupid, he notices every single detail, i cant fake it too much or for too long.

    he loves romantic effusions: holding hands, kissing, hugging, cuddling, making out and more. i HATE them. and i HATE knowing and feeling he needs me, he wants me, and he wants all of this with/from me. all the time. i have talked with him. he agreed on going slowly, respecting my pace, not too many kisses on the mouth (that i cant stand) and respecting my need for a day "off" (alone) every now and then, when instead he cant wait to see me every day and he took my need to "unplug" quite bad but tried to understand.

    i cant tell him i hate romantic effusions too. that would make us breakup and i dont want this. i can take them in little doses but not this much, not this often. i am able to enjoy some physical intimacy and can feel a mild physical attraction but i need to mentally prepare myself to it, enter in "that role", only that if it were for me, once a week would be more than enough. the pressure of knowing he would want it all the time turns me off. makes me hate him and push him away. and hate myself for my feelings that get in the way of what i want for myself and my future.

    this happened with everyone else before but with him its still more bearable, plus i am certain he is the one i want to build a family with, so i would want to find a way to make this work out. the worst is that my pushing feelings are growing stronger and to fight them i am using alcohol, self harm and pills. i feel sinking into depression again and my OD cravings and suicidal thoughts have come back. how is it possible that getting what i always dreamed of having is leading me to self destruction and the dark hole again? it is as if i was feeling better when i was alone and lonely wishing for a relationship and feeling suicidal because i had no hope of ever having it. now that i do i find myself having the same thoughts but its worse because now i would hurt him too.

    can anyone see a solution to this? please?
     
  2. alphamale

    alphamale New Member

    hey...thats a bit of a stumper..its a eating and having your cake deal..ive had simmilar issues with the over abundance of intimacy..what causes this retreat for you and what have you done to curb those feelings in the past..?
     
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Have you addressed the affection issue with the Therapist?
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    There is a simple solution. If he is the "right person" and you have been together long enough to be certain of this (presumably dating seriously and exclusively for quite a number of months if not year/s, and not just weeks or still counting dates) then future discussions and the "what are you looking for long term / out of your life" discussions are coming up naturally. In that situation, you need to have that discussion with him as you cannot go a lifetime pretending and it is incredibly unfair to him to not have the discussion and think he should "love you enough" to understand and change (just as it would be unfair of him to think you should love him enough for you to change).

    Until you are in a long term reasonably seriously committed but not "lifetime promised" (be it marriage or whatever else), you are just going at your own pace and it should become clear in its natural way if you are compatible enough for it to ever become an issue. There is no such thing in my opinion as perfect for each other EXCEPT. It is an all or nothing when it comes to a family and lifetime commitment and it would be foolish to start that based on a lie of such magnitude.

    It would also be silly to think you could approach that conversation without a negative result until at a point where such a discussion is not a forced and obviously way too soon to ask. In the mean time, do what you are comfortable with and if you feel like physical intimacy of any type (whether it is for your own desire or to give it to him is irrelevant so long as it is genuinely you that wants to share it as well). If you do not want to do that then simply say not now or not in the mood right now. If he IS the right person it does not matter- If he is not the right person , yes it may well end the relationship, but it will end not because of something wrong with you but because he is not the right person for you.

    If you do not wish to do do any further counseling in an attempt to change your tolerance or ability to enjoy physical intimacy there are not really any other options. Deciding to change yourself should be because YOU want to change so you are able to enjoy something you feel like you are missing out on is reasonable. Trying to change yourself for something that not only you do not enjoy, but you do not feel you are missing out on I would not think a great idea. One is trying to make yourself able to enjoy something IF you think you are missing out on something others enjoy, (personal development). The other is trying to make yourself different as a person for the sake of conforming to what you believe others think you should be and if that is needed for a person to be your life partner then they are not "the one" regardless of other qualities you may find appealing.
     
  5. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    It doesn't seem that you're romantically compatible with him in any capacity. He has a strong drive for affection, yours is dramatically less. Neither of you will be satisfied long-term. Why waste time setting up a foundation for a lifetime of misery.

    One solution is to release him to someone who can enjoy him, who he doesn't have to create so many walls with. Being with the love of your life shouldn't be so difficult as to drive partners to suicidal thoughts out of anxiety and... dissatisfaction in the relationship. It should be easy and comforting in one another's company. Kissing, holding hands, caresses, this should come naturally, and for you it isnt what you want. There are other men who want what you want and being with either of them could be as natural as breathing because you'd have similar expectations and probably shared personality types or psych history.

    Another solution is to continue in this way, see your therapist and hope your boyfriend will hesitantly adapt to having to become content with being unsatisfied with you emotionally, and eventually sexually. This isn't exactly a path to a happy family life.

    It's good to want a family someday. But more important to focus on is the kind of family you want, and the kind of love and stability between mother and father you want them to admire. Is it one where mommy is cutting herself in the bathroom and attempting suicide again because she and daddy aren't as compatible as she had imagined and she can't cope? Something to think about when you think of yourself as someday, however soon, being a mother. It's amazing how fast personal priorities change when you know someday you will be the most important influence in the universe to a child.

    If you were your future child and saw yourself as you are right now as your mother, what would you want her to do to resolve this dilemma of hers?

    And as NYJumpmaster said, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with the types of affection each of you prefer, just that you both have completely polar opposite expectations of intimacy in that area and may not be best for each other in the long run.

    In a healthy relationship, you should be growing as individuals together, not hiding alone and getting self-destructive.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 28, 2014
  6. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for answering,

    Alphamale, i thought seen my past CSA that my aversion for physical intimacy was due to huge fears basically, but i've faced them and healed from my past and i dont think fear is the real problem. i just feel smothered by all his romantic effusions (i dont feel the need and dont see the point) and his need to see me. this turns me off completely. feeling needed, i HATE it.

    DrownedFishOnFire, 90% of the time while i was seeing my therapist i wasnt in a relationship. when it happened we talked about my replusion for intimacy but since i was not in love, i thought that was the problem. honestly i dont feel in love now either and im not sure i've ever felt it. but i do love him and i want a future with him.

    NYJmpMaster, thank you very much for your complete answer. so you're suggesting to wait and see if things will get better with time and meanwhile do only what i feel comfortable with? seems reasonable. we've been together for 3 weeks only, but we've been friends since childhood and even dated during school for a couple of months. back then i had the same feelings i have now, but i thought they were coming out of fear of physical intimacy due to my past, now it still is because of his too many and too often effusions but especially about me being turned off by his need of me. but yes, i would like to change myself and become better able to appreciate romantic effusions and intimacy. we should find a balance.

    Prinnctopher's Belt, thank you for the reality check. yes, it doesnt look like we're romantically compatible, but i wouldnt want to give up with him because i love him and i know he is the one for me. we're just very different about romantic effusions and how we'd like to spend our time. he's very social and i prefer loneliness. i know these two things are two huge things in a relationship, but i still hope we'll be able to find a balance. im not ready to give up yet.... maybe i just have to hold on for a while and we'll both adjust to each other with time?
     
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