I cant see any solution for this: i think the meaning of my life is building a family. after many years spent alone i have finally found the right guy for me. we've been friends before and now we've just started a new relationship. i have a pattern of push/pull dynamic in relationships. i have been in therapy (and dont want to go back), and resolved the issue isolating myself, and it worked up to now. with him though, i cant keep my real feelings for myself, he is no stupid, he notices every single detail, i cant fake it too much or for too long. he loves romantic effusions: holding hands, kissing, hugging, cuddling, making out and more. i HATE them. and i HATE knowing and feeling he needs me, he wants me, and he wants all of this with/from me. all the time. i have talked with him. he agreed on going slowly, respecting my pace, not too many kisses on the mouth (that i cant stand) and respecting my need for a day "off" (alone) every now and then, when instead he cant wait to see me every day and he took my need to "unplug" quite bad but tried to understand. i cant tell him i hate romantic effusions too. that would make us breakup and i dont want this. i can take them in little doses but not this much, not this often. i am able to enjoy some physical intimacy and can feel a mild physical attraction but i need to mentally prepare myself to it, enter in "that role", only that if it were for me, once a week would be more than enough. the pressure of knowing he would want it all the time turns me off. makes me hate him and push him away. and hate myself for my feelings that get in the way of what i want for myself and my future. this happened with everyone else before but with him its still more bearable, plus i am certain he is the one i want to build a family with, so i would want to find a way to make this work out. the worst is that my pushing feelings are growing stronger and to fight them i am using alcohol, self harm and pills. i feel sinking into depression again and my OD cravings and suicidal thoughts have come back. how is it possible that getting what i always dreamed of having is leading me to self destruction and the dark hole again? it is as if i was feeling better when i was alone and lonely wishing for a relationship and feeling suicidal because i had no hope of ever having it. now that i do i find myself having the same thoughts but its worse because now i would hurt him too. can anyone see a solution to this? please?