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[sadhart]

I'm sorry for writing something like this once again but I'm only halfway done with the work day but I'm hurting really bad. All year I have been considering ending my life <mod edit - timeline>. Well here I am. I feel like if I don't then I'm a bad and manipulative person. And if I do then I'm a bad and selfish person. Either way I'm a bad person. I'm sorry for not making sense but I'm just tired of living with so much pain and not mattering at the same time.

 

[Legate Lanius]

Dealing with the pain and stress is bad enough without adding moral judgements. Nothing about reaching out for help or being suicidal makes you a bad person. If you told people you were going to commit suicide and then don't, then that's good. I don't matter either, so I know how you feel.

 

[lost_in_a_fairytale]

I don't think you're a bad person, but I do understand your pain. I've been thinking of suicide on and off all year too but can't do it for a few reasons. I'm exhausted from living with so much pain and feeling worthless too, I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel and I feel like a bad person in general for not being perfect for others.

you dont need to apologize

 

[Lara_C]

Reaching out when you're feeling this bad isn't manipulative or bad @sadhart . Its the right thing to do, and I hope you always feel you can talk here. Your pain is real and you deserve support and comfort. No one will judge you for doing what SF is here for, so please don't judge yourself.

 

[MisterBGone]

Keep talking to us, SadHart. We're here for you! Here to help. . . : )

 

[sadhart]

Reaching out when you're feeling this bad isn't manipulative or bad @sadhart . Its the right thing to do, and I hope you always feel you can talk here. Your pain is real and you deserve support and comfort. No one will judge you for doing what SF is here for, so please don't judge yourself.

Thank you but it's not on this forum exactly. It's off of it. I don't like the term "suicide baiting" but that's what it feels like when I have told people this. Particularly, telling someone that I felt hurt by that I want to end my life. But it's not like I am saying that I'm ending my life because someone hurt me. But this person really sucks at reading comprehension despite the fact that she teaches children things like that. She will more than likely think it's just because of her despite saying it's way more than that.

I'm sorry I am not good at explaining this and I sound like a douche trying.

 

[A_J_R]

Are you saying you've reached out to someone who's made you feel bad for reaching out?

That's hard. To feel rejected by the person you want the most consolation from. I have found though that some people are just aren't equipped to handle something as dark and emotional as the subject of suicide. If you can, reframe these thoughts in your head that make you feel like a bad person and try to approach it in a way that reminds you the reaction you get isn't really you or about you. It's them. You want help. I hope you can find that compassionate person out there who is willing to let you go to the places you need.

 

[Lara_C]

I'm sorry I am not good at explaining this and I sound like a douche trying.

No you don't @sadhart ! As @A_J_R said, it can be very hard for people who haven't felt suicidal pain themselves to truly understand and fully empathize with it.

 

[may71]

I feel like if I don't then I'm a bad and manipulative person

It's always ok to back out of a suicide plan. You're always allowed to do that.

 

[Lara_C]

I hope you can find that compassionate person out there who is willing to let you go to the places you need.

I wish this for you more than anything too @sadhart, but let's face it, there would be less need for SF if there were more people like this "out there". They do exist though, and I myself have been fortunate in that respect, but they're hard to find as they don't exactly advertise their presence.

 

[sadhart]

Are you saying you've reached out to someone who's made you feel bad for reaching out?

That's hard. To feel rejected by the person you want the most consolation from. I have found though that some people are just aren't equipped to handle something as dark and emotional as the subject of suicide. If you can, reframe these thoughts in your head that make you feel like a bad person and try to approach it in a way that reminds you the reaction you get isn't really you or about you. It's them. You want help. I hope you can find that compassionate person out there who is willing to let you go to the places you need.

It's no one here that has done this. There's another place that tends to be somewhat toxic and full of "armchair psychologists" who thinks anyone who says they want to end thier lives is just doing so to manipulate and guilt trip someone. Between that and personal experience having someone think that about me there is this sense that maybe I am doing that because I'm saying it more than...you know, actually doing "it".

And yet when I look at the decade old scars on my arms I question if those are fake too. Because they don't seem to be.

Sorry if that didn't make sense.

 

[Lane]

I think you matter @sadhart. You can post for support anytime.

 

[MisterBGone]

I don't think I have a lot of genuine advice to add, other than to say, from my own personal experience ... every situation is individual and unique (so it is best to try not to generalize); though I know that this is easier said than done - when you've been burned. Believe me! In other words, each person and scenario, no matter how analogous to what has happened in the past, is not the same (necessarily). And so, despite what your 'gut' might tell you, or say--when it comes to the topic of suicide, we can sometimes be really downright wrong (about how another "feels," about it...)

Give you an example: when I'd tried to die about a dozen years or so ago. I had two very close friends; whom I'd been in regular contact/or- touch with, multiple times on the daily. When i was going into the . . what I'd thought was going to be the / or my --"end," I figured I had a pretty good idea of how the two were going to handle it (just based on all I knew of them). When I survived: boy, did the exact opposite (reaction) end up happening! Meaning the one I thought would be there for me & etc., essentially ditched & left for Life. And the other became like a soulmate of sorts. Very strange at first, and somewhat of a rude awakening.

And now that I'm typing all this out and saying it to you: I sort of realize that this is more of an isolated event - & not necessarily exactly what I was speaking of above (which was more in an overall generalized sense). But hopefully the meaning, or idea of the message has been conveyed.

 

[MisterBGone]

And by the way --- (the one that left!) was studying to go on and become a licensed therapist (pHd. . or is it, PhD) & so, not exactly of the "armchair," variety! : ) this is what we're dealing with folks (sometimes in a "professional," or clinical setting..)_

 

[MisterBGone]

Believe me, we believe you!

 

[sadhart]

I think you matter @sadhart. You can post for support anytime.

I am sorry as I appreciate what you have said along with everyone else but I'm feeling so much pain right now and it's so stupid because I'm at work feeling like this. I decided that I wouldn't end my life and all of a sudden every fucking reason why I wanted to in the first place hits me all at once. I hate myself for being so weak. I want to give up so bad but at the same time I'm scared. I'm sorry

 

[Lane]

I am sorry as I appreciate what you have said along with everyone else but I'm feeling so much pain right now and it's so stupid because I'm at work feeling like this. I decided that I wouldn't end my life and all of a sudden every fucking reason why I wanted to in the first place hits me all at once. I hate myself for being so weak. I want to give up so bad but at the same time I'm scared. I'm sorry

It's ok.