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sadhart

SF Supporter
#1
I am three years sober from alcohol. I am learning to overcome my fear of driving and I give my all at work. These are not accomplishments but rather things that mean nothing. It is clearer with each day that I don't matter. That I will never be worth love and acceptance. I want to give up. I want to find the courage to do so. Because I'm tired of hurting so much and more so in vain. I'm sorry.
 
#2
I am three years sober from alcohol. I am learning to overcome my fear of driving and I give my all at work. These are not accomplishments but rather things that mean nothing
I think these are actually huge, really amazing accomplishments. It sounds like how you are feeling is keeping you from seeing it that way though.
It is clearer with each day that I don't matter. That I will never be worth love and acceptance
You do matter, and you are worthy of love and acceptance. You have that just as an inherent part of being a human being, but you're also a much better person than you give yourself credit for.

Maybe because you haven't found love and acceptance, you feel like you're not worthy of it.
Because I'm tired of hurting so much and more so in vain
I'm sorry you're in so much pain Sadhart. I hope something can help.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#3
I think these are actually huge, really amazing accomplishments. It sounds like how you are feeling is keeping you from seeing it that way though.

You do matter, and you are worthy of love and acceptance. You have that just as an inherent part of being a human being, but you're also a much better person than you give yourself credit for.

Maybe because you haven't found love and acceptance, you feel like you're not worthy of it.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain Sadhart. I hope something can help.
I appreciate you for being supportive all the time. I want to believe what you are saying and all the things you and others have said. But I just feel very dejected. I want to see things like my sobriety as an accomplishment but it feels so meaningless at times. This has been a bad week and I'm not looking forward to the weekend at all. I'm sorry for not being more grateful.
 
#4
I appreciate you for being supportive all the time
I'm happy to try to be supportive if I can
I'm sorry for not being more grateful
That's ok, there's nothing to be sorry about.
I want to believe what you are saying and all the things you and others have said. But I just feel very dejected. I want to see things like my sobriety as an accomplishment but it feels so meaningless at times
I bet if there was someone IRL that was supportive it might be different.
 

Sad Elf

Well-Known Member
#6
Hi @sadhart

3 years sober is such an acheivement. I am struggling to put into words how epic it is to have been able to have the strength to do this, it sounds dramatic but I have seen through a friend now hard the journey is. Never underestimate how far you have come.

you replied to one of my posts once, I can't remember what about, but every time I see you post I always check it out in case I can help, and I always remember you being nice to me because it meant alot. I am sure if you have that effect on a post, in real life a lot of people must care for you and wish you well.

I hope the weekend is better than expected.

take care
Elf
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#7
I'm happy to try to be supportive if I can

That's ok, there's nothing to be sorry about.

I bet if there was someone IRL that was supportive it might be different.
My sponsor said there would be people I know in AA that would be sad. I'm not really sure though. I don't feel I have ever really contributed much in the AA fellowship.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#8
I don't know l, man. Those things sound like really big achievements. The sober part requires a lot of willpower, not everyone is capable of overcoming their fears and is pretty admirable to be so devoted to your work.
Last week I took a driver improvement course. I learned how to parallel park or at least learned enough to realize that it's not something that requires knowing rocket science or magic or something. It felt good to have given myself a chance to do so. I was going to take another course next weekend, but I'm not sure now. The truth is I felt scared that I felt good. I know that sounds dumb but from my experience feeling good never last long, hw bad this week has been is a good example of this.
 

JDot

1 Peter 5:7
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#9
Congratulations on your sobriety. I know that's not easy. You do deserve love as much as anyone else. The fact that you're staying sober and working on your fear of driving show you have more faith in yourself than you realize. You have to keep working through the pain. Winston Churchill once said "If you find yourself going through Hell, keep going." And he suffered with depression and anxiety too. We believe in you.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#10
Hi @sadhart

3 years sober is such an acheivement. I am struggling to put into words how epic it is to have been able to have the strength to do this, it sounds dramatic but I have seen through a friend now hard the journey is. Never underestimate how far you have come.

you replied to one of my posts once, I can't remember what about, but every time I see you post I always check it out in case I can help, and I always remember you being nice to me because it meant alot. I am sure if you have that effect on a post, in real life a lot of people must care for you and wish you well.

I hope the weekend is better than expected.

take care
Elf
A little over three years ago, I relapsed after three and a half years of sobriety. I still feel some shame and guilt from it. Deep down I know that having three years is a good thing, but I'm somewhat afraid to get too happy about it. aside from my relapse, I have seen people in recovery get too caught up celebrating every little victory as if being recognized by others has now become an addiction that replaced the old one. But then something happens that makes them feel discouraged and they end up relapsing or worse.


I feel I never really show enough support here for others, but thank you. I'm glad that you're still here.
 

Rasmus

Well-Known Member
#11
Last week I took a driver improvement course. I learned how to parallel park or at least learned enough to realize that it's not something that requires knowing rocket science or magic or something. It felt good to have given myself a chance to do so. I was going to take another course next weekend, but I'm not sure now. The truth is I felt scared that I felt good. I know that sounds dumb but from my experience feeling good never last long, hw bad this week has been is a good example of this.
What made this week so bad?
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#12
What made this week so bad?
Stuff with work, minor frustrations with things not going well (video game controller is not working properly and can't a new one anywhere). Then there are painful things like being reminded that others around me are worth love and acceptance in a way I never will be. I try so hard to close myself off from others but it still hurts. Sorry if this didn't make sense.
 

So so tired

Well-Known Member
#13
I am three years sober from alcohol. I am learning to overcome my fear of driving and I give my all at work. These are not accomplishments but rather things that mean nothing. It is clearer with each day that I don't matter. That I will never be worth love and acceptance. I want to give up. I want to find the courage to do so. Because I'm tired of hurting so much and more so in vain. I'm sorry.
*sadhug I wish you could see and give yourself the credit for the these massive milestones of recovery that must have taken such determination and strength to achieve.

I think everyone is worth love and acceptance including yourself.
Depression just manages to take away everything including our self worth and our ability to feel any self love, care and appreciation for how far we may have come. Its often clear for everyone else to see but ourselves.

I hope you will be able to invisage new area's of your life that can bring meaning and not just feel like an existence.
These may just be small things to begin with but can be built up gradually.
I understand how pain is so self engulfing, I don't think we necessarily want to give up but just want the pain to end.
Hugs to you and take care x
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#14
*sadhug I wish you could see and give yourself the credit for the these massive milestones of recovery that must have taken such determination and strength to achieve.

I think everyone is worth love and acceptance including yourself.
Depression just manages to take away everything including our self worth and our ability to feel any self love, care and appreciation for how far we may have come. Its often clear for everyone else to see but ourselves.

I hope you will be able to invisage new area's of your life that can bring meaning and not just feel like an existence.
These may just be small things to begin with but can be built up gradually.
I understand how pain is so self engulfing, I don't think we necessarily want to give up but just want the pain to end.
Hugs to you and take care x
Yeah....I suppose I do want the pain to end. When I would drink, I saw the semi to full blown blackouts as numbing the pain. To a degree they were,but there were always consequences. And there is always this fear when it comes to thinking about ending things. Like would this really be the end of the pain?

Anyway, thank you, and I will try to keep what you said in mind.
 

Sam2018

Well-Known Member
#15
Hi @sadhart I just wanted to say that having just read your post, I think you should feel tremendously proud of yourself for your continued sobriety. Especially when you're feeling the way that you describe - it makes it an even bigger achievement.

You absolutely are worthy of love and acceptance. You recently took the time to respond to me recently when I needed help, so you're clearly a kind person, even to those who you don't know - many people do not have this trait. Hopefully in time you will get to know people who see that in you and love for it :)
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#16
I"m late to this, but I think you are doing AMAZING things. I know that's hard to see when you feel so down, but you seem like an incredibly strong person. Keep on keeping on. And I agree, be kind to yourself and I hope you will see you are worthy of many things, including love. Take care.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#18
Hi @sadhart I just wanted to say that having just read your post, I think you should feel tremendously proud of yourself for your continued sobriety. Especially when you're feeling the way that you describe - it makes it an even bigger achievement.

You absolutely are worthy of love and acceptance. You recently took the time to respond to me recently when I needed help, so you're clearly a kind person, even to those who you don't know - many people do not have this trait. Hopefully in time you will get to know people who see that in you and love for it :)
Thank you. It's hard to see myself as a kind or worthy person but I will try to keep what you said in mind.
 

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