• You may receive an error message when sending PMs at the moment. The message you're trying to send has been sent and if you refresh your screen, you will see it. Otherwise you may get many repeated messages. We're working on this!

No subject

#22
Hi Sadhart,
I hope you keep doing things that give you a feeling of achievement. I have noticed that I feel much better when I have successes, whether it going for a walk or reading or yes getting through a computer game :)
I was terribly loaded with anxiety and self-loathing when young and constantly depressed. I did not know how to mix socially and was constantly afraid of being shamed or humiliated or criticized by others. I would try and plan things that were 'fun' but when I tried them (eg: going to a movie etc) I would feel this strange sense of shame about doing something to feel good ! It was very strange.
It has only been through years of therapy and also getting older that these fears have slowly trailed away behind me. I am glad I am middle aged now. I know that is not a common thing to hear but in my case, it is true ! As a whole, although I have pangs of my old conflicted companions, loneliness and social anxiety, I feel a lot more calmer. Everything passes, no matter how painful.
Peace be with you :) One Day at a Time
SL
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#23
Hi Sadhart,
I hope you keep doing things that give you a feeling of achievement. I have noticed that I feel much better when I have successes, whether it going for a walk or reading or yes getting through a computer game :)
I was terribly loaded with anxiety and self-loathing when young and constantly depressed. I did not know how to mix socially and was constantly afraid of being shamed or humiliated or criticized by others. I would try and plan things that were 'fun' but when I tried them (eg: going to a movie etc) I would feel this strange sense of shame about doing something to feel good ! It was very strange.
It has only been through years of therapy and also getting older that these fears have slowly trailed away behind me. I am glad I am middle aged now. I know that is not a common thing to hear but in my case, it is true ! As a whole, although I have pangs of my old conflicted companions, loneliness and social anxiety, I feel a lot more calmer. Everything passes, no matter how painful.
Peace be with you :) One Day at a Time
SL
My therapy appointment was somewhat better than last week,but I still felt like I was holding back. I know I probably sound confusing to her when I talk about my constant conflict with socializing. More so, I was afraid to tell her that I'm starting to question my life once more. I didn't want it sound like I'm suicidal solely because I struggle with socializing,yet that is a big part of it. Just even talking about it a little runs the risk of talking about hospitalization for my "safety".

I would like to believe what you're saying about everything passes is true, but it's hard to believe that. The bad,the heartache and pain has been a part of my life for a very long time. I don't see it ever going away. Sorry for being negative like this.
 
#24
My therapy appointment was somewhat better than last week
That's good
I know I probably sound confusing to her when I talk about my constant conflict with socializing.
I think it would be ok to ask her how she is receiving what you are saying, and if she feels confused about anything.
The bad,the heartache and pain has been a part of my life for a very long time. I don't see it ever going away.
The past itself doesn't change, but in principle you might be able to become less focused on it or feel differently about it.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#25
That's good

I think it would be ok to ask her how she is receiving what you are saying, and if she feels confused about anything.

The past itself doesn't change, but in principle you might be able to become less focused on it or feel differently about it.
I would like to believe that but it's hard. Today we had a meeting at work and really throughout the work day I just kept thinking about how inadequate i feel and am. I'm not good socially and I'm constantly reminded of how painful it has always been for me. my therapist told me to try working on saying something small like hello or good morning to someone but I couldn't do it today. Aside from that, one of the things I have really wanted to open up to my therapist about, which is four particular reactions i went through and the feelings of suicide and hurt and other emotions I deal with, but i have only been able to open up a little about it. i am scared of to do so, but I also need to do this. But it will take a lot of honesty on my part. I feel bad just thinking about these things to myself. The thought of telling someone else, even a professional...it makes me feel like I'm opening myself up to harsh judgement. and maybe i deserve it as I always felt like a bad and manipulative person at times for wanting to end my life over being hurt.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be all over the place writing all of this.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#27
I have been hesitant to open up on here as of late. But right now I'm feeling so much hurt and anger. Some people will say because I have things like a job and a place to live that I don't have any problems because others have it worse. Well, those people are tone deaf idiots. Those two things alone do not make for a happy life. There is so much missing and in that place is pain. And I'm just tired of this. It's just hurt day in and day out. I hate how no amount of bettering myself really matters. Next month will be five years of sobriety but right now it doesn't feel like it matters.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Admin
SF Supporter
#28
WOW! Five years of sobriety is a major achievement!

I’m not sure all the things you have done to better yourself that “don’t matter.” If they matter to you, then that is really all that counts. Are you happy with how you are doing?

Maybe you are hoping for some specific results that haven’t happened yet? It took me forever to realize that change in myself or my situation takes a lot of time, and not every venture I try “works out” the way I hope. Lots of trial and error and re-trying — at least for me.

I hear your discouragement. I continue to have lots of belief and hope for you. You are a decent person. I hope you continue to do things that are just for you, and that bring you a sense of achievement and worth. All the effort you have put into staying sober and into keeping yourself going are not a waste or pointless because you are not pointless. Please keep yourself safe!
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#29
WOW! Five years of sobriety is a major achievement!

I’m not sure all the things you have done to better yourself that “don’t matter.” If they matter to you, then that is really all that counts. Are you happy with how you are doing?

Maybe you are hoping for some specific results that haven’t happened yet? It took me forever to realize that change in myself or my situation takes a lot of time, and not every venture I try “works out” the way I hope. Lots of trial and error and re-trying — at least for me.

I hear your discouragement. I continue to have lots of belief and hope for you. You are a decent person. I hope you continue to do things that are just for you, and that bring you a sense of achievement and worth. All the effort you have put into staying sober and into keeping yourself going are not a waste or pointless because you are not pointless. Please keep yourself safe!
It's really hard for me to feel happy about where I'm at in my life. I know I am in a better place in my life than say, a decade ago. But it's hard to ignore the hurt, and that is when I find myself questioning whether I really have accomplished anything.

What I suppose I have hoped for is being noticed in a good way by others. It seems like most people just see the worst in me. There have been times where I could just walk into a room and be met with harsh laughter or judgement for no real reason or if there was a reason it didn't really make sense. People will say not to expect things to fall in my lap and yet there's this hope that if I'm putting work into achieving certain things, then there will be some kind of positive results. But when that doesn't happen, it just makes me want to give up.

Because of past wrongs, it's hard to see myself as a decent person. But thank you for what you have said. I want to do my best to keep what you have said now and other times in mind.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#31
That's good.

Congratulations! I know you don't feel good about it, I'm sorry it's like that. It's still an accomplishment though.
I have today off. I always feel guilty about trying to enjoy myself. Like I'm not allowed to or something. There's this thing in AA about being happy, joyous and free. I feel ill always struggle with the first two but I'm trying to look more at the free part. It's hard though.
 

Soul flower

Well-Known Member
#33
I have today off. I always feel guilty about trying to enjoy myself. Like I'm not allowed to or something. There's this thing in AA about being happy, joyous and free. I feel ill always struggle with the first two but I'm trying to look more at the free part. It's hard though.

I can really relate to this - even more so I can't even ask for help when I need it because I was taught that is a clear sign of weakness. Didn't realize I had been taught this until my mother took me to seek professional help with her - to her dr and after all he heard from her; he asked me why I even showed up. I said - "she asked for help" and that is not allowed in our house so something must be very serious. He asked her if that was true and she explained why it was not only true but right. Big AHA moment for me - never thought about that until those fell out of my mouth.

Days off from work - same. So I end up doing chores more often then not. But I do think I feel better overall when productive; so maybe laying on a beach just isn't my thing.

I took up meditation for a long while - started super slow with Isha Kriya ... just went through the motions and promised myself 30 days and kept at it for years. I do think it helped alot - it helped put me in a witness perspective of my life which helped shift perspective. I now try to live 'meditatively" vs having to sit for long periods but occasionally still need a good sit. That mediation is 10-12 min a day; free online youtube sadhguru; or isha foundation and helped me separate mind/ body / soul. If you are interested to check it out.

I hope you are feeling lighter today.
 
#36
Sometimes, I wonder if I can even be helped. The last therapist dropped me because we were "stuck" and it will probably be a matter of time before this one does the same because I feel very lost and very discouraged about life. I don't see things getting better for me.
*sadhug*sadhugi know there'll be one day where we would all be glad for not quitting
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#38
Do you know why you feel that way?
I'm not really sure exactly. I think one place is I have experienced people at times being critical how i spend my free time. Like I know I have told someone I play video games and they immediately will start going on about how it's a waste of time and isolating and how I should be out playing chess or something. But then there is just my own expectations where I know there are things I want to do and should be doing, but sometimes, I just don't want to do much of anything. I mean, it's my right to how I spend my free time, but i can never fully shake the guilt or that I'm wasting it.
 

sadhart

SF Supporter
#39
I can really relate to this - even more so I can't even ask for help when I need it because I was taught that is a clear sign of weakness. Didn't realize I had been taught this until my mother took me to seek professional help with her - to her dr and after all he heard from her; he asked me why I even showed up. I said - "she asked for help" and that is not allowed in our house so something must be very serious. He asked her if that was true and she explained why it was not only true but right. Big AHA moment for me - never thought about that until those fell out of my mouth.

Days off from work - same. So I end up doing chores more often then not. But I do think I feel better overall when productive; so maybe laying on a beach just isn't my thing.

I took up meditation for a long while - started super slow with Isha Kriya ... just went through the motions and promised myself 30 days and kept at it for years. I do think it helped alot - it helped put me in a witness perspective of my life which helped shift perspective. I now try to live 'meditatively" vs having to sit for long periods but occasionally still need a good sit. That mediation is 10-12 min a day; free online youtube sadhguru; or isha foundation and helped me separate mind/ body / soul. If you are interested to check it out.

I hope you are feeling lighter today.

I've never been good at meditation, but maybe that is worth checking out. Thank you. I'm sorry about what you have had to deal with regarding your family's view of seeking help.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$72.00
Goal
$255.00
Top