i hate myself and i want to die. i hate myself for needing to talk to someone. i hate myself for wanting to cry. i hate myself. i have always liked pain. ever since i was young i have enjoyed seeing how far i could go before giving up. my parents wont care if i talk to them. they had me put on medication. i like the medication for a while after i take it i dont feel sad or fear that those around me will hurt me. i fear always. it is not a i am nervous fear it is a holy shit there are too many people its too loud and they all hate me. in fact when i am on the medication i actually like people. but after the medication wears off i feel even worse than i did before. there is a fear and tenseness in me that i hate. i realize that there is no point in posting this. that even if i screamed my lungs out no one would hear me. i am completely alone in the world. it is truly a sad thing to look out and see everyone happy and joyful and in love and know that you can have no part of it. i still hope that there is a friend out there somewhere for me. that i can find a person that knows me and cherishes me and loves me is the only thing keeping me. i also know that there is probably no one, that i am foolish to be hoping, and i hate myself for wanting something i cannot have. if i am to live and die alone what does it matter if i die now. i can feel the tears but i cannot cry. i want to not feel the fear i am feeling right now. i will never let myself cry. i wish i had no emotions then i would not have to decide like i do now.