no tears

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thatoneguy, Aug 24, 2006.

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  1. thatoneguy

    thatoneguy New Member

    i hate myself and i want to die. i hate myself for needing to talk to someone. i hate myself for wanting to cry. i hate myself. i have always liked pain. ever since i was young i have enjoyed seeing how far i could go before giving up. my parents wont care if i talk to them. they had me put on medication. i like the medication for a while after i take it i dont feel sad or fear that those around me will hurt me. i fear always. it is not a i am nervous fear it is a holy shit there are too many people its too loud and they all hate me. in fact when i am on the medication i actually like people. but after the medication wears off i feel even worse than i did before. there is a fear and tenseness in me that i hate. i realize that there is no point in posting this. that even if i screamed my lungs out no one would hear me. i am completely alone in the world. it is truly a sad thing to look out and see everyone happy and joyful and in love and know that you can have no part of it. i still hope that there is a friend out there somewhere for me. that i can find a person that knows me and cherishes me and loves me is the only thing keeping me. i also know that there is probably no one, that i am foolish to be hoping, and i hate myself for wanting something i cannot have. if i am to live and die alone what does it matter if i die now. i can feel the tears but i cannot cry. i want to not feel the fear i am feeling right now. i will never let myself cry. i wish i had no emotions then i would not have to decide like i do now.
     
  2. Hey

    Welcome to the forum

    I am sorry you feel so low at the moment. Feeling low on your own can be really hard to deal with :hug: I realised a while back, when I was on my own and lonely, that I actualyl hated and despised myself. Until I was able to look at myself in a better way I realised that it would be difficult for anyone else to love me..... sometimes things do slot into place - concentrate on yourself a bit if you can - perhaps then other bits of the jigsaw will start to fit together...

    Am here anytime if you need to talk :)

    Love

    GE
     
  3. thatoneguy

    thatoneguy New Member

    i thank you for your sympathy. but it has always been like this day in and day out. during the summer its alright. i stay in my room and read and listen to music. but as i start to go to school again i realize how pathetic and sad and alone i truly am. i fail at everything i try. i burn myself constantly as i type this i have already burned myself several times. i burn my hands for reasons i will not say so as not to trigger anyone else. if i spoke to anyone i know truthfully about myself i wuld not be accepted. i dont want to live in a place where i am alone.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2006
  4. hey.... its more than sympathy - many of us here can also empathise :hug: if its always like that - how about changing the usual / regular patterns? How about joining a club or society that does something your interested in - somewhere you can meet like minded people?

    As for the burning - people harm themselves for many different reasons. I know that it is a v hard thing to stop doing - you have to really want to. All I can say is that you will be accepted here - and hopefully we can help in some way. You are certainly not alone here.

    Love

    GE
     
  5. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey, Thatoneguy;

    You're not really alone in the world, it just feels that way to you. I feel that way myself sometimes. Not as bad now as in the past (especially when I was much younger) but often feel all alone.

    What medication are you taking that makes you feel better til it wears off? I'm on antidepressant and a mood stabilizer (Zoloft and Risperdal) but it takes a while to take effect and then you just maintain by taking the same dose every day, or as prescribed. But it's not an effect that 'wears off' like pain killers or tranquilizers.

    As alone and unloved as you may feel, you've found us now and are no longer alone. We are here with you and for you, and tho we aren't there 'in person' we're there in spirit and love and support. All of us here have our own problems, some similar, some different, and none of us are professionals - just caring people who understand what it's like to feel miserable.

    Please come back to let off steam any time you have need. We'll listen to you and hold you up when you feel too tired to stand on your own. And whether you know it or not, it IS alright to feel weak and fragile and lonely. It's ok to cry too, no matter what anyone says or thinks.

    sending you love and support and hope,

    least
     
  6. thatoneguy

    thatoneguy New Member

    i would cutoff my right arm to be accepted into a club or meet some people wo want to be my friends. i have tried everything under the sun. changed my clothes, the way i talk, the way i act, i have done anything to please these people. i wish i knew why i was so different. i try to act normal. but people say i talk weird i dress weird i act weird. the knife is on my desk. i can see it in the corner of my wision. it has a black handle and a blade that is sharp at the point and the end. it is nearly blut at the middle. my father gave it to me for my birthday. i have tried to see it their way i have tride to change for them since before i was a teenager. i cannot chang the schedule. i will have the same classes for the next two years. i wish i could always be alone. not have to see anyone ever again. people,tv,music,books, they all taunt me and only remind me of how alone i am. i wouldnt wish this on anyone. my father never liked spending money on me all he got me for my birthday was that knife and a video game. he is always yelling for anyreason he can find. i wonder if he would be even more miserly if he saw my dead body with his knife in my hand. but then i doubt he would even remember getting me the knife in the first place. he always liked my sisters more anyways.
    i am on zoloft and they told me it would be a while before it kicked in. i felt it 20mins after the first dose of 25mgs it made me speedy. i have been on 150 mgs for a month now and it wakes me up every day and i end up feeling like shit and the end of the day.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 24, 2006
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Well, I guess everyone reacts differently to the same med cause of varying brain chemicals and such. If Zoloft doesn't seem to be helping you, but hurting you, maybe you could try something else. There's lots of meds out there (and the big phamaceutical companies are making a killing off us:mad: ) but there's probably one you could be on that would actually help you feel some better, or at least more stable.

    Worth a try, isn't it?

    hugs,j

    least
     
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