no title comes to mind...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Growing Pains, Oct 22, 2011.

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  1. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    I hate posting here. I don't know why. There's a large part of me that hates reaching out for advice, but another part of me that knows when I should. I'm half aware that I'm not making any sense, but maybe I don't care. Maybe that's how I got where I am right now. In the past few weeks, I've just stopped caring.

    I've been thinking about ending it all the past three or so days. The only reason I haven't tried is because one time, when I wasn't feeling this way, I got smart and hid my "choice" from me, if you will. Having a bad memory, I cannot remember where I put it. That doesn't stop my mind from trying to think of other ways, though.

    There was once a time when I felt sad, angry, broken. I hated it. I hated it with every fiber of my being. But it was much better than this. For today, now, in this moment, there's nothing. There's no fear, no sorrow, no anger - only a deep, bleak, nothing. I don't know how long it will last and maybe I don't care. Maybe it's better than being sad. Maybe it's better than being angry at everyone and everything. Maybe it's better than that wanna-be happiness that visits me at least once every two months.

    I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with depression in middle school... I was eleven years old. And for the past decade, I've spent my life faking it. Faking a smile, faking a laugh, faking interest in social situations. And I grew tired of it. I grew exhausted. When I was in high school, I never imagined I'd be this exhausted at only 20 years old. Oh, how young and stupid I was.

    I don't even know what I want. Advice? Perhaps. Someone to give me three good reasons to hang on? Maybe. Someone to talk to so I can trudge through this bleak nothingness? Likely. I'm not even sure any more. Mostly, I'm just reaching out for help because I've been unable to find it anywhere else.

    It's strange when I reach this suicidal place because everything... the good and the bad... they slowly stop mattering.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I often get to that place you are in now the place where everthing seems slow mode and no emotions just nothingness. Your right in a way it is good in that one does not have energy to even care abt leaving. I do hope though hun you reach out to y our doc call someone go to hospital okay if need be just do it. You know in time this feeling will eventually go away so please be prepared okay have numbers ready to call don't leave it too late hugs to you
     
  3. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey sorry you feel so bad :( here if you want to talk.... im not great at advice - but can help you explore your feelings and try and find your own way through things if you ever want to chat :)

    im glad you're reaching out for help. and im here if you need anyone or anything
     
  4. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies.

    It really does feel like everything is in slow mode. All my energy is truly drained out. I'm not sure about going to a hospital, though. I remember trying the Samaritans a while back and to be frank, it didn't help much. I have a cell this time around, though. Maybe I should keep a hotline number handy? Having numbers ready definitely does sound like a good thing... I'm sure it will fade eventually. It's the waiting for it to do so that's the hard part.

    I'll keep that in mind, too. It's not always easy for me to reach out, I'll admit. But I will still keep your offer in mind.
     
  5. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    You add that number to your cell phone, Ben. I think I will take my own advice right now and do that too.

    Hold on. Manage one hour at a time.
     
  6. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    I'm going to. And I think it would be a good idea for you to take that advice, too.

    I'm trying to manage one hour at a time. Holding on is hard, but I'm trying to convince my mind that it's for the better.
     
  7. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    Yeah I remember getting to that point a lot, and staying there. Like I remember dropping my butterfly knife once and it missed my bare feet my an inch, sticking into the floorboards under me. It was weird because I didn't feel relief that it didnt hit me or disappointment either. Nothing. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
     
  8. Growing Pains

    Growing Pains Well-Known Member

    That's exactly it. No relief, no disappointment. Just nothing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, either.
     
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