NO TITLE... FOR NOW (something i wrote a while ago)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by touglytobeloved, Jun 5, 2009.

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  1. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Hi… why am I alone again? Where are you all? Is this my life? Is this the way I wil spend the rest of my life? Alone besides 6 billion people on this planet? And probably many more in this fucking universum? Why there is no one here when I need someone? Where are my so called friends? I have many friends, but they keep forgetting me, constantly. So, home alone again, today, tonight, same like yesterday, and the day before, …. And same as I will be tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. So alone in this fucking room with 4 walls. I had a few drinks alone because I have no one to drink with, although I have lots and many to drink for. Is this really life? Is this my life story? Is it called home alone? Or home alone 2 or 3? Doesn’t matter, but its not even close to that exciting like the movie, but yes, it can be called home alone, i will call it HOME ALONE FOREVER!!! It could be a perfect title for my story, the story about my life.
    Im siting and thinking about so many people now, at this lonely moment. I wonder if at least one of them is thinking about me now… because they should, at least one of them should, no matter if he thinks good or bad things about me. Although I think I know the answer of my question, although I know that noone is thinking about me now, although I know that you all forgot that I exist, I still hope that it might be someone that cares. But that’s me, the biggest fool in this world, still hoping in his hopeless life, still dreaming hopeless dreams. I want to remember to some of my friends, and the moments spent together… like you kurt, I bet you forgot to ask what I asked you to ask for me, but its ok, I will ask you next time when I will get internet conection. And do you remember that girl from the Island? I will have that same girl and that same island, or maybe even much better than yours. And you espen? Do you remember when we played chess online together? You beat me, but only because I haven’t played chess so long , because I didn’t had anyone to play with. And I remember you get mad because I said I cant play anymore, but ok, at least you wanted to play with me. When I ask my friends to play chess or something else with me, they say they cant, because they are busy. And where are you know? I remember you were planning something, you were planning the last and the most important moment in your life… I hope it went well for you, and no matter where are you now, we will play another chess game one day. And you tilen? Still drinking? Alone? I wanted to come to drink with you, to get drunk and to not care what will happen next. But you became so distand from me, I cant even think about that now. Yes, I miss our conversations, but we might talk again one day. And you megan, my blue butterfly… you forgot me. So and you releah. But, we had nice conversations. And as you said megan, I was the only one who could understand you, but did you understood me? Nevermind…
    Now, I don’t even know if I should start writing bout my friends from my real life, those from before were all my online friends. My real friends has forgotten me ages ago. They all live their life, and I would be just a burden if im with them, so its better to stay away, which they did. All of them. We had some moments together, we played , we helped each other, we had fun together…. But what happened now? Why is all that gone forever? Why you betrayed me? Or did I betrayed you when my life went wrong? Did my life went so wrong that could have some bad influence at your life so you decide to go away? How else would you explain why you left without trace? Without word? Without goodbye? I wonder now, was our friendship a true friendship? Or it was just a mask all the time? Or thereisnt true friendship, and all we see in the movies, and all we read in books is just someones imagination? Is that all fake? Was that what we had fake? I guess it was…. Because if it was true it wouldn’t end just like that. What was that what happened between us that cut off all bounds between us instantly? I guess, I will never know, or maybe I know and you know , but we will never admit. Denial is the best solution sometimes, but you cant deny forever, the truth will catch you one day, and you can only hope it doesn’t hurt that much. But I can tell you that it hurts much much more. But living in a world full of lies can also hurt a lot. So deny all while you can…
    But I must stop now, because I don’t want to be honest to someone who is not honest with me. And the only honest people in my life were my enemies. At least they will tell you that they don’t like you or love you. Others will just pretend that they do care, and will hurt you much more than your enemies. So maybe my enemies were my only true friends, in my whole life. A fried will never lie, a friend will never hide the truth from you. A friend will never avoid you, and will never reject your phone call, and will never say I CANT , if he can. But, now im confused, because im talking about friends, im talking about something that I’ve never had, and I ask myself, how I really know what is a friend and how would he act or behave, or what he will say or do? Im thinking now, and asking myself, if I need something urgent, who will I call? If I make some phonecalls, some will not answer my phone call, some will reject it, some will not remember whos was this number that is calling them now, although its so sad that they will be the ones that will answer the call. And yes, some of my friends will answer the call, few of them, but I wont have courage to ask something from them, I wont want to ask a favour, even if its life important favour.
    While everyone is somewhere out and having fun with his friends, im home alone. Why? My friends are with their friends having fun together. Then why am I alone? Why im not having fun with them? Is it because I don’t want? No, I do want, I want to be with them, I want to be with them all the time, but from some reason im not. Maybe, just maybe, because they have never called me to be with them. Oh yeah, they called me, once or twice, and I went with them, and…I don’t know, I might had some fun… but in most cases when I was with them, I left earlier, they made me to leave, or asked me, not directly, but we all went on his own way, so I go home, and they are coming back and continuing the party. So why would I want to go again? And why would I go when im invited once a year, while they are there every night? Why should I go there? Just to see what im missing when im not there? I wish I never went out with them, at least I wouldn’t know about that.
    So, I spent all my life unloved and rejected, alone and depressed, lonely and sad, and in so big emotional pain that sometimes Im forgetting about my physical pain. How ironic is it, the pain that grown up from source, has became so huge that made me to forget about the source. But the source is there, its my apearence, my health… in fact its me, because that’s what makes me. So, the source of my unhappiness and sorrow is me and only me, no one else. And if it wasn’t me , I would be happy. Sounds silly and unreal I know, but that’s the only solution. People say, life is for the alive, and im not alive. Life is beatifull, but only for the beautiful people. And you cant blame someone that searches for beauty. Im searching for that too, but some people have it, some will never have it.
    So, is it worth living? Pretending you are happy, wearing a mask all the time? Pretending you are not seeing the truth that is so obvious? Pretending that you don’t care for the lost battles? Is it worth living and building a kingdom from sand castles that will fall apart on the first wave?
    And a fake friend would say: it is worth living, just wait, there is always tomorrow, its gonna be better. He will lie while he is watching you in the eyes. He will say that knowing that its not true.
    And a true friend will buy you a gun and pull the trigger for you...
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Not trying to be hostile or anything, but what are you aiming to prove.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    The past is just that the past..Why don't you join a support group and meet new people..Or ask a coworker if they want to have a drink after work?? You need to put yourself out there.. Stop being invisible..O.K. your old friends have moved on.. Don't you think it's time for you to move on also..Like you said there are billions of people in this world.. I'm sure you can meet a few that you can call friend!!
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