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No Title!! poss. trigger (?)

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by 41021, Mar 6, 2010.

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  1. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    :no: If i don't title this, maybe it's easier!?! If i had my way, i'd also not put my name either. :mad:

    okay, okay. i know i have to spit this out and i really don't want too and not even sure it's a wise thing to do. It's been sort of(ha ha big joke sort of) eating me alive recently due to a number of things(i don't wish to mention here). This is rather difficult as I am a fairly private person, and i prefer to keep things that way. I hope i don't regret this. if i do, can we get rid of this post, yes?

    If i don't engage immediately, give me time. I tend to better process things alone. Who knows though, i may just puke all over the place. Who's got clean up detail this weekend? I feel sorry for the person covering that shift.

    Ha, can you tell, i am adept at avoiding things? La la la - la la la la.

    ugh :sad:

    okay. okay. and i have to write this in a way that creates a bit of distance, so sorry 'bout that.

    so, anyway, I am wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience of having to talk someone out of suicide in order to save their own life and if it mucks with their head now, when speaking to others, etc (can't go there either atm--the words).

    I don't mean trying to talk a semi-reasonable person out of suicide in order to save you, but someone who is quite dangerous. oh, for me that person was a stranger.

    You know, like you'd far rather they did kill themselves, and if there were a way for you to kill them likely you would to save your life, and no one would question your actions. you have to find a way to connect with them on some basic human level (even though they are a monster and not human), and you have to uhm gently (!?!?!?) help them find a reason for living, even though you are bleeding, in pain, terrorized, being physically assaulted and trashed...ugh. VOMIT(parts of this are hitting hard/visuals-the stupidest things too). The alternative is they keep harming you up until they kill themselves, at which time they are going to take you out too. you can't plead for your own life in this situation you have to plead for theirs, in order to save yours...and there is that chance they will still kill you anyway, but it buys you time, you hope.

    ...and wtf? what is the reasoning behind this? I never understood it but would appreciate a bit of insight.


    sorry for bringing this up, it's just it has been messing with me. sometimes it kind of creeps up and casts a shadow, like when speaking with those i do care about(who are suicidal) - i have to work my way past the shadows/feelings in order to engage with those i care about. it is ok. ppl i care about are worth it and it is not always in my face or this extreme. i am generally okay...I mean i've fairly well dealt with this, for the most part, and the psycho likely died in jail so i know i am safe and all that stuff. it's just at times, like now if you can't tell, it's been messing with my head. you know what i mean? this internal conflict happens and bit's and pieces are in my face, but i think mainly it's this conflict...this i don't understand.

    ugh. so i spit that much out. (do we have a pat's self on back emoticon?). I am dizzy!

    Why so many suicides and suicide connections in my life? WTF!? is there some point? some meaning? is it random?
    funny, just realized my approach is somewhat like that of a horse, in that they will naturally kind of make big circles around and around, getting closer and closer, sometimes backing away then moving closer again and finally when they determine the object/situation to be safe enough, they hesitantly (often still circling) go to their target...still alert mind you and at the slightest movement/noise they may book (often they come back if things have remained the same). if you've ever worked with mustangs you'll see this when they approach a new object...even a water or feed trough. Was that a good diversion away from the topic? It works. It is a way for me to ride this back down again to a safe level.

    i hope
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I personally have not had to experience that horrific situation. However, I did want to tell you how well you did to write all that out. Also, that its understandable it haunts you, and also that you are incredibly strong and brave.

    I don't have anything of any insight right now, but just wanted you to know that I read and think you're pretty incredible for fighting through all that and coming out the other side.
  3. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    :hug: Scum

    fortunately, it does not always haunt me
    usually rare that it has been a problem
    and if it does get tripped
    it is usually quite easy to get a grip again

    freezing right now

    this time it was more a landslide that tripped it
    and i fear i am buried under it
    it's messing with my head
  4. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    this is so trashing my head
    i have enough going on and it's
    not helping the confusion
    i can't even write it down
    i am too scared
    i am freezing.
    all i know to do is keep trying to
    get and stay numb, and hope i can do so
    safely, for now anyway.
    i need a break, it's got to
    cut me a bit of slack but gawd
    i could scream
    my freaking head
    i give up i just can't do this

    i need it to stop
    that's all
    just for a while
    hell maybe i just need to
    force a stop ugh
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    what scares you about writing it down?

    When you worked through the other stuff, did you work through this too?
  6. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    i don't think this ever would have been an issue again. i mean, yeah, it has come up once in a while, but without symptoms. just recollections/reflections on what happened. Normal stuff.

    Once in a while over the years, i have experienced some sadness, that i never was able to relate to another human being who had been through a similar situation. I mean with rape for instance, one can find support groups and other people to talk to/identify with who have experienced something similar...you know, so one is not alone with the experience. I always felt alone with my experience especially during the time immediately following it and for the next few years(there were other people who had been hurt by this person, but under different circumstances, and i never did get to meet any of them.), although i did see one and can clearly recall her face. I don't know of any kidnapping support groups. :sad: Although rape was one component, in my case it was less of an issue for me, less traumatizing for me than the terror of facing death and the extended period of time in which it took place..the being terrified over a period of time...gawd i'm not sure how to explain that. I was far from suicidal at that time, so death being in my face was an issue.

    Some of the internal conflict, i am not sure if i ever really worked it out, and perhaps had i not become suicidal and ended up at a suicide site, i may never have needed to work it out because it simply would never have come up. It would never have been an issue. The internal conflict having to do with trying to talk this monster into finding a reason to live, so he would not kill me. I don't know if you or anyone else can understand what i am trying to say. I don't even know if i can put it to words in a way that is understandable.

    A few things have come up, i suppose one could refer to them as triggers in a way (?)but not quite. I just have to find a way to either make it go away (from my head), or reason it out...and i suspect there is no reasoning out to be had... unfortunately it was an unreasonable situation. i have to keep reminding myself of that. It's just this conflict not only is a problem, but i am a bit hypersensitive at the moment since some of my experience is like there in my face. My head for some reason, is choosing to uhmmm, ugh, kind of identify (i can't do it. :no: i can't say it. sorry-i can't get past this point).

    Funny, the things that are in my face right now, the things my head is choosing to vividly recall, are stupid little things. Little trivial details. These are not flashbacks, they are simply reflections of some of what happened. Sights, sounds, colors, smells. Tiny details about the car, about places, about things i saw while some of this was going on...like what was across the street. the colors of a particular house that have nothing to do with any of this it just happened to be across the street. The small fence surrounding that house. The image of that house is like a frozen snapshot in my head. A particular multistory building that i only saw from the outside. The fist coming down on my face and chest (not even close to the most traumatizing thing i faced rather trivial by comparison), the overpass, the floor of the car-even the dirt, the tree, the door slamming repeatedly against my upper chest and collarbone, the dump-the bright color of a single piece of clothing at that dump, the color of the sky and the few clouds (the shapes of them), the helicopter, fingers digging in my left wrist, i could go on and on...just little stupid unimportant details that are meaningless. Maybe my head goes there, because those are safe things to recall? I mean, i can give you a bloody blow by blow of everything that happened in freaking vivid detail. It's just strange, how it's those tiny details that are randomly invading and passing in and out of my normal day to day thoughts. Kind of disturbing my train of thought and interrupting my day or what i am thinking and doing.

    ok. enough for now.
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I have to be honest. I hear what you are saying. I can imagine the sort of situations that you might have to do that- save someone for your own sake, but I cant ever truly put myself in that place or understand or even comprehend how it must have felt. I do, though, hear you, and hear how distressing it was and how distressing it still is.

    Do you think it might help to say what it was that you felt unable to say?

    I'm wondering if now your brain has decided that it is time to start processing what happened to you and that is why you are being fed those details, and why its an issue now? Maybe because you're being forced to confront it, that is how and why it is doing what it is?
  8. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    naw, i've really dealt with this already. honestly.

    it's just some things recently came up (unrelated to this) that have set things off.

    I know why it is an issue now...some things in the here and now have kicked it off.

    i'm getting frustrated trying to explain it. it's me. it's not you. i just can't express what i need to and it's frustrating me. I just didn't want to feel alone with it, now. ugh. **tears** but i guess i am.
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Please don't feel frustrated. I definitely hear the need to not feel alone. Whilst I can't relate to what you went through, you are not alone in terms of how people care and want you to get through this.

    Would talking about the here and now triggers and how they relate, help?
  10. 41021

    41021 Banned Member


    That's the problem.
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Is that what you are struggling to talk about? The here and now?
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Ridiculous huh?
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Nope, not in the slightest. Is it that you want to, but find yourself unable to?
  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    it's not even so much that i am unable too, it is more that i cannot. :no:

    i need to find a way to be stronger
    but i don't know if i have it within me to be any stronger,

  15. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    so this is totally off topic, has nothing to do with what is causing me grief, except how it relates to those insignificant details that have begun to plague me.

    I noticed there was something common about a couple of those details that randomly decided to interrupt my thoughts and invade my head.

    the house;
    i tried to run to it for help. the door of the car slamming repeatedly against me, was when i tried.

    the tree;
    at one point i tried to run and he took off after me with the car intending to run me over - to stop me. i knew his intent was to kill me, to run me over and kill me, so i hugged that tree in hopes he wouldn't intentionally crash into it. again i paid for trying to run. it was stupid anyway as it was in an area where there was nowhere for me to run to. i was just desperate.

    the helicopter;
    stupid again. i broke away, and actually tried waving my arms to get the attention of a helicopter in hopes it would see me and rescue me. again, i paid for that. the clouds and sky relate to this.

    perhaps each of those offered hope? hope that i would be able to get help or get away. i just don't know why they seem significant at the moment. in terms of what i experienced, they were insignificant.

    these are some of the images that were "triggered" (for lack of a better word) recently, due to being on a suicide site and interacting with people, and having certain topics/discussions/happenings/etc come up.

    i know this is not making any sense, i am trying really hard, but i can't talk. :no:


    frustrated and ready to quit
  16. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    i think you need to give yourself a break, to be honest. You are putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself to talk when you feel unable. Why not remove the pressure. Stop trying to talk for now, give yourself a break, and be kind to yourself. Yes, you may want to talk, and soon, maybe you'll be able to, but getting frustrated with yourself won't make the situation any easier, it will just add more stress to an already horrible situation. Try and give yourself a break.

    I personally think you're doing well to write about these things. It's not a case of being strong or whatever, you have already proved you have inner iron strength to get through this. It's more about being kind to yourself, I think. With time, it will come.

    I do agree that those things you are describing came in times of hope and when you hoped things would change and you could be free.
  17. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    you don't understand, if i don't get that shit out of my head it's going to kill me. it's not the stuff that happened then i need out, it's the now stuff. now stuff just happened to dredge up the then stuff. shit this is frustrating me.

    it's not that i am unable or unwilling to talk, it's i can't.

    you don't know the half of how horrible this is, it really is

  18. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I really do hear that it is the stuff from the present that is causing you your problems right now, I really do.

    If its important for you to get it out, then maybe try using things like art, poems, letters, or anything like that.

    I'm sorry, I was trying to reply to your posts to let you know you weren't alone. Unfortunately, I have managed to distress you further, and for that I am sorry. I hope someone of use and worth comes along and can reply to you and help you. Look after yourself and good luck. I hope you manage to find a way to get it out.
  19. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    its not you. you didn't do anything. i'm sorry if i caused you to somehow feel that way.
    i have been a mess all night.
    totally freaking out.
    i am having a difficult time and i am at a total loss
    i can't handle it
    it is overwhelming me

    ugh **tears**

    i'm sorry
  20. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I give up.

    I quit.

    this is absolutely hopeless

    thing is, it truly is.

    i want to disappear.

    can i white out or black this entire thread?
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